Brett Favre Is a Big Baby

Can you believe this guy? Brett Favre is such a hypochondriac. Those of you who watched the hated Dallas Cowpokes defeat the noble Green Bay Packers last night watched the all-too-familiar sight of Brett Favre leaving the game because of a boo-boo. It seems like every 5 or 10 years, this guy has some excuse or another to ride the pines. What a cry-baby.


Also, the officials from that game are now going to hell, and the Bears still suck. Other than that how did you enjoy the play, Mrs. Lincoln?


Incidentally, I watched the first half of the game in a bar at a location where I was nominally attending a meeting. A woman there told me, despite the fact that I hadn't asked and didn't really care, that she had recently had a nose-job. Of course, I'm able to relate because I've had hand-jobs and blow-jobs, and I found them enjoyable. I don't think I would like a nose-job, but, then again, I'm not a woman. I don't like shopping either, but, if your thing is buying stuff or having a nose in your stuff, good for you. Apparently, this kind of discussion is inappropriate for a meeting.

How to Build a Time Machine

I have been working on a new invention. It is called a "time machine." No, it is not a machine that tells you the time. That device is called a "clock."

Rather, my machine allows the user to think as though he/she/transgender exists at different coordinates in time. Perhaps it should more accurately be called a "time-transfer machine."

Please don't get hung up on the name. We can call it a "jack-off drive" for all I care about the name. Actually, a "jack-off drive" would be fairly easy to market.

So, as I was saying, my new "jack-off drive" is revolutionary, and everybody needs one. I can't go into the engineering details of the "jack-off drive" (TM), but, let's just say that it makes an otherwise lengthy commute into a beautiful, cataclysmic, ecstatic umph.

Well, now I've lost interest in whatever I was doing.

Thanks

Well, happy thanksgiving all.

My family has this "tradition" of reminiscing during family get-togethers. I suspect that this is a common affliction. For some reason, my nieces and my children delight in hearing stories about the rare times when I was naughty as a child. Both of my sisters chime in with their favorite tales about when I threw them down the staircase or convinced them that the walls in my room were filled with candy.

I just take the punishment and chalk it up to Karma.

Here's hoping that you are able to ridicule your loved ones this holiday. Give thanks to those that keep us humble.

2008 Voters Guide

With the 2008 Presidential election really heating up, we've been asked to create a more sophisticated analysis about who should receive the coveted FU endorsement:
If you are able to follow this flowchart from beginning to end, then you will note that there is a high likelihood that the Republican Party nominee will get the FU nod and wink. If the internets are any reflection of reality, this should mean Ron Paul will win the FU vote. As it was written.

UPDATE: Consider that Hillary as president would reflect 28 consecutive years with either a Bush or a Clinton in the White House. We can only hope that Jeb or Neil gets his shit together in time to carry the lineage to Roger or Chelsea.

Forewarning

When I'm a geezer, I shall wear red wool socks,
And sleeveless dirty t-shirts
And a fashionable Rustywhear apron
If I happen to be burning some meat.
I will drink whisky, and brandy old-fashioneds
And tequila, but probably not gin,
And the occasional 116 oz table-tapper
To make up for the sobriety of my sleep.
I will vomit every third day of drinking
For no good reason but alcohol poisoning
And something about pancreatitis
And the poor condition of my liver.
I shall sleep in the flowers of other people’s gardens
Until they poke me with a stick or other sharp object
And ask me to leave promptly and peaceably
The authorities already on their way.
I will search out free tacos and other happy hours
And sing show tunes on the airplane
And play my guitar in public places
Despite the public’s strong preference that I not.
But for now I must wear a nice jacket,
And a relatively clean shirt, and pants,
And set a good example for the children
About how to keep from falling down.
But then again, after they’re sleeping,
Or when I get away for a Rusty,
Shall I not sample the appetizer
Of my geezer days to come.

Ron Paul Support Increasing Among Sexually Normal

If only there was a way to make an otherwise insignificant boob into an instantly recognizeable celebrity about whom the public can't inquire enough. I've got it. Ron Paul should make a steamy "home-made" sex tape, leak it out, and then try to stop everybody from watching it.

This tried and true technique worked for no less celebrities than Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and Screech.

I'm not sure whether any previous Presidential candidates have done this, though I believe that Millard Fillmore once infamously sent a rather ribald telegraph transmission to the "wrong" operator. You could get away with that sort of thing if you belonged to the "Know-Nothing Party."

Anyway, back to Ron Paul's enormous support, why not wield it to his advantage? After all, if the public can't determine whom it should adore based upon pornographic home-made videos, then this just isn't the America that I've grown to love.

Is the Looking Glass Half Empty?

As a result of my recent infatuation with ExposingSatanism.org, I ran a search to find out where else the site was discussed. Not surprisingly, I found the site of a critic intent upon revealing ExposingSatanism.org to be written by an ignorant, bigoted blow-hard.

Sounds about right, I thought. But let's check on the critic's credentials.

Kerr Cuhulain the author of this article, is known to the mundane world as Detective Constable Charles Ennis. Ennis, a former child abuse investigator, is the author of several articles on child abuse investigation that appeared in Law & Order Magazine. Better known to the Pagan community by his Wiccan name, Kerr Cuhulain, Ennis was the first Wiccan police officer to go public about his beliefs 28 years ago. Kerr is now the Preceptor General of Officers of Avalon.

Right.

The aforementioned critique of ExposingSatan.org is contained on the site The Witches Voice which claims to be the place for neo-pagan news and networking on the net since 1997. I see. The first story I read from that site provides the details of a traditional event in Devon, England where flaming barrels of burning tar are carried on people's backs for some religious reason that is not altogether clear. This year, this resulted in only 36 people being treated for burns.

I'm thinking about closing the First Unichurck. It seems kind of superfluous given, you know, reality.

Foiled

I've got it.






The foil could be a pedophiliac roller derby player.





He will be surrounded by demonic children courtesy of the Krypt Kiddies/.




Good work everyone.

If by "foil" we mean Yin v. Yan, perhaps this is more appropriate

"Anti-OneEar"

Motion to the floor, Haebeus Corpus, Legal Mumbojumbo, etc. All voices shall be heard and duly ignored.

A Motion to the Floor: Nomination for Official Foil of Unichurck

Please submit additional nominations as appropriate, and let the hanging chads swing by their respective nooses.

Witches

I was intrigued by the fact that, out of the myriad of issues explored on the Sataneering site, Doc Bok discovered and immediately focused on the issue of women with penises. Where did he find this? Why does this hold such fascination for him? Is this just a wild fantasy which Satan ejaculated into his mind? Or is there something more bizarre going on?

Seeking to solve this mystery, I explored the witchcraft section of ExposingSatan.org. My first question, what do witches believe?

One common belief is that nature is to be worshiped and is sacred. Many look to the whole earth in general as god. Others look outward to the stars and planets. Others incorporate everything into their worship. Witchcraft gives one the freedom to pick and choose who is divine and worthy of worship. There are many deities (gods or goddesses) to choose from. So for simplicity, Witchcraft is the worship of mother earth, awareness of the cycles of the universe and becoming in tune with nature around them. Many look for inspiration and guidance in myth, ancient religion, and even science fiction.

Nature is sacred? Please. Being in tune with nature? Not in my Churck you don't. Nothing is in tune at the First Unichurck. This is sick, sick stuff. What is the moral code of these perverts?

They try to live by the above law, "harm no one." Most will tell you that the spells are done to bring benefits and well being. Witches will tell you the reason harmful spells are not done because what ever is sent out comes back seven fold. That is true from what the Bible says you reap what you sow!
Galatians 6:7 be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. You sow Witchcraft; you reap the lake of fire!

Anyone who tries to live by the law "harm no one" should be shot. Or better yet, thrown into a lake of fire (Are your ears burning, California?).

I read enough to know that witches should be burned at the stake. Anyone who respects nature and avoids harming others is not welcomed in organized religion. As for chicks with dicks, I guess I'll leave them up to Dok Bok's expertise, since I'm not sure how we got started talking about them in the first place.

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UPDATE: I just discovered where Dok Bok encountered the reference that so tickled his fancy - http://exposingsatanism.org/halloween.htm

My apologies for suggesting that this was only his personal fantasy.

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FURTHER UPDATE: Now I can't stop thinking about these nature women riding on broomsticks. Maybe there is something mind-bendingly sinister going on here.

The Few, The Proud

Today's lesson in religiosity, again suckled from the bountiful bosom of ExposingSatan.org, explores the unfortunate fact that very few of you properly understand the dictates of the supreme spirit. One might expect an omniscient being to be a little bit better at getting his/her/transgender's point across, but such is life.

As the Sataneers correctly note (under the strangely titled section, Are We Hateful? ):

It is a sad fact that we are now in the great apostasy, which God warned us about several thousands of years ago. We are not only in the great apostasy, but we are seeing events unfold on the world stage which are bringing us ever closer to the end of these last day...

It makes us weep to watch the growing deception, to cry out against it, and to be heeded by so few and opposed by so many. Why is that essential correction which Scripture so clearly demands left to a few of us nobodies and shunned by church leaders who would be heeded by millions?

I don't necessarily agree that it is sad that we live during the great apostasy. Where else would you rather be in time? If you have to live a temporal existence, wouldn't you choose to do it during the grand finale? "Big finish," Rusty always says.

But the Sataneers do pose a good question. Why are there so few of us who correctly see through the grand deception? Why doesn't everybody else wake up?

This reminds me, shouldn't the FU adopt a foil for Rusty - some sort of anti-sheep? I'm not really sure how we could explain his/her/transgender's existence, what with Rusty being omnipotent. But a fallen angel really seems to add something to the whole picture. Maybe we could just say something vague about "free will" or "original sin."

Pacific Tectonic Plate on the Move Again!!

Last Tuesday, the Pacific Plate took up the baton in it's eons-old race against the North American plate. This caused homes in the San Francisco area to rattle. As a recent immigrant to the San Andreas fault, I have put some water aside and done some thinking about earthquakes and why I could do without them. I feel, therefore, basically as prepared as the local veterans. And the Legionnaires.
My biggest fear in all of this is that "the Big One" is going to occur at the precise moment that I am conducting my own morning ritual of making my "Big One".

I will not be able to grab water, drink it as fast as I can until it is gone, get under a doorframe and do all the interpretive dance moves recommended by FEMA if my colon is, how shall we say, "in motion". That is a relatively unstoppable, uninterruptable event, even if the earth moves below me. Now, were I the offspring of Alceste, the opportunity to streak across my apartment, half-naked with feces smeared all over my little body would probably carry a certain amount of defiant appeal. I have no such luck, unfortunately.

Maybe that Satan-exposer can help me with some sort of advice like his explanation of witches symbolized riding broomsticks so it would look like they had weiners and the crops would grow. That guy seems to be full of knowledge. But how in the hex did he get a "dot org" website with all that goobledy-gook? Any other takers?

Grand Comic Design

I really cannot get enough of this Exposing Satanism website.

For today's lesson, I would like to explore how J.K. Rowling, aka Satan, is tricking so-called Christians into something or other:

There are many books out about Witchcraft but none so cleverly packaged
like the latest. Satan is up to his old tricks again and the main focus is the children of the world. The latest craze is a series of books by author J. K. Rowling, known as Harry Potter.
The scramble to get the books is not just for children. Just as many adults are amused and are absorbing the content of these books. And what is sickening, Christians, or so-called Christians, are part of the fan club. I knew nothing of Harry Potter until mail started coming in asking if it was ok for teachers in Christian schools to be reading children books about mythology and witchcraft!!!! Did you read that correctly? In Christian schools!!!!!

Obviously children have no business reading books. Books are for weighing down things that you are gluing together. But even more egregious of a sin than teaching them to read is teaching children mythology!?!

Immediately preceding the above quotation, the Exposing Satan author cites as his authority the words of a spirit quoted by Timothy:

1st. Timothy 4:1-2 Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;

When you see comedic genius such as this, it makes you wonder whether there isn't some sort of grand, comic design to the whole universe.

Still Drinking On Fridays

I am what you might call a creature of habit. You might just call me a creature. You wouldn't be the first.

So, it occurs to me that it would be much easier to rewrite history than to travel through time. During the Gorbachev years, I remember hearing the quotation from a Soviet commentator, "Our history has never been so uncertain." I couldn't agree less.

Call me a revisionist, but it is better than being called a creature. So, I would like to predict that my contribution to history will be ___(Note to self: fill in blank later with accurate data).