Please Forward to Your Congressman/woman/transgender

Why this bailout strikes me as “odd.”

1) Congress is about to spend $850billion without holding even one day of hearings to determine what options are available and what people (other than elected officials and lobbyists) such as experts have to say.
2) Nobody seems interested in a solution which injects the same amount of capital but which rewards those who managed risk properly rather than rewarding parties who bet, lost, and now want their money back.
3) This “unprecedented” crisis has happened before and was “solved” without destroying the risk/reward paradigm which is essential to capitalism. Ex. The Swedish solution to their “unprecedented” financial crisis of the early 1990s involved preferred equity investment by the taxpayers. Or, as Luigi Zingales of the University of Chicago suggests http://faculty.chicagobooth.edu/luigi.zingales/research/papers/Why_Paulson_is_wrong.pdf, the solution could involve debt forgiveness or a debt-for-equity swap. Effectively, banks could simply be placed into receivership (as would happen with any other failing enterprise which cannot pay its creditors). Receivership would restructure the debt to pay something to the creditors, but they would bear the risk associated with the poor investments. I am sure there are other historical examples. The key question is why we are not hearing about any solutions which are consistent with the risk/reward tradeoff necessary for our investment system to function.

PS to Congress: Go Employ Autopederasty!

Happy Holidays - A Retrospective

LBok's threat to re-post his careful comparison of The Grinch to The Hulk (Note: They share the first name "The") got me to thinking. The holidays are indeed a time to reflect upon bygone days. Contrary to popular opinion, one should not "let bygones be bygones." Rather, embrace bygones. "Let bygones be buypresents." And so we recall some of the warm memories of past FU postings which provided warm buying opportunities.
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We all fondly remember Coco's famous post heralding the return of Christmas which spawned the concept of the Munitions Day Carp. The Carp, of course, was later memorialized in the famous poem/song Old Saint Carp is In Da House. The Rupture Carp is now virtually synonymous with Munitions Day in the public mind's eye.

The previous year, the FU celebrated the holidays by, well, I guess we didn't celebrate, really, because we were in the midst of the end of the universe. Those were scary times, but I am glad that we were there for you. And before that, we had the entirety of nothingness.

It certainly is a rich historical tapestry when viewed from today's perspective. One never could have imagined just how much the First Unichurck would grow from those humble beginnings. And the universe is still here, so that is probably for the better. Just to be safe, remember to buy.

Idle Worship

There has been an ongoing debate amongst the upper eschelon philosophers in the First Unification Church of Knowledge as to how to properly depict the lord, savior, and general good fellow, Rusty. Recent depictions of Rusty in Churck t-shirts, g-strings, and maternity wear have shown Rusty as a simple white sheep. However, it is generally agreed as a matter of historical fact that Rusty was, and is, a black sheep. This same damned thing happened to Jesus Christ. I don't know how to explain it.

Maybe it is simply the case that white is better than black. While researching this hypothesis, I ran across a very informative website called http://exposingsatanism.org/. As you can see for yourself, this outfit provides an essential public service by exposing such Satanists as Hindus, Muslims, Mormons, and people who play Pokemon.

The first thing I noticed about the Exposing Satan site was the small crawling message across the top which slowly advised me "The Antichrist will be revealed soon!!!!" Now they had my attention. One of my favorite timeframes is "soon!!!" "Are you ready?" The crawl inquired of me.

"Yes, yes I am," I shouted at my computer. The crawl wasn't listening. It rambled on about how the "Satanic trash will unite."

"Well, that doesn't sound good." I thought. "We certainly wouldn't want united Satanic trash."

Digging deeper into the meaning of this reference to "Satanic trash," I encountered the following in reference to the "Jewish cabal" (my thoughts are in parentheses)

I want to state for the public record right now, No, I am not a Jew Hater (What would give anyone that silly idea?) ....
So with the above being said, we must look expose these snakes that are bringing this world into the the new age of the anti-christ. (Perhaps the author is a Snake Hater). There are many from all beliefs and races possessed by demon spirits driven by greed and power. The Jews are not exemptfrom the demon possession. Calling a pig a pig is not being anti-pig, it is merely a statement of fact. (Apparently a Pig Hater, too). There are Jews who are using the "Gods chosen people" as a way to cover what they are doing. (What are they doing again?) They are working with other satanic groups such as the Masons, Jesuits, The Vatican, and yes these so called Christian leaders to advance a global agenda. (Oh, they are working with other satanic groups. That sounds like a satanic conspiracy. I hope someone exposes it). It's time to drop all this anti-Jew crap (I think he really means to stop calling him a Jew Hater) and expose the hidden trash that will give rise to the son or perdition. (I'm lost, are the Jews the trash or not? What about the snakes and the pigs? Further, isn't the whole point of the author's "religion" to give rise to the son? He should be encouraging the Jew-snake-pig conspiracy.)

For our next lesson, we will delve into how the Muslims, Taoists, and musicians find themselves included in the "Satanic trash" smorgasbord. Following that, we will create an exhaustive list of all of the non-begotten sons.

Rustwater Intelligence Police for Cash

The First Unichurck and RUE Enterprises Inc. Ltd. LLC, a faith-based initiative, have teamed up for a new joint venture in paramilitary policing - Rustwater Intelligence Police for Cash. RIP for Cash will be less of a vigilante mob than a highly-trained professional group of armed mercenaries. Rustwater is excited to enter the corporate war industry which continues to experience unprecedented growth and opportunities for expansion.

It is undisputed that the private sector supplies services more cost effectively than governments, so the rise of private armies is a welcome improvement in the efficient use of deadly force. Rustwater executives look forward to having cool choppers, planes, guns, and missiles and the prerogative to use them without the wasteful, inefficient restrictions created by bureaucracy and government oversight.

It has not yet been determined where the Rustwater mercenary army will operate. The market in Iraq is considered saturated, but Rustwater sees growth opportunities in other regions. Rustwater intends to specialize in thought policing and shooting people.

"Some people out there actually think they are free to believe in their own beliefs," indicated an anonymous Rustwater spokesman/woman/transgender, "and we see this unfortunate situation not as a problem but as an opportunity. Those are the people that we need to fix. Wherever there are people that need to be enlightened, whether through killing or other forms of behavior modification, Rustwater will be there."

For reasons that are too complicated for you to understand but which are entirely benevolent, Rustwater will be headquartered in Dubai.

Dwarf-like Goat Man Behind Success

Dr. Louden Buttoffskey, the renowned surgeon who has been affiliated with an until now prestigious West-coast university hospital, made scientific history last weekend when he actually managed to do the hokey-pokey.

Granted the aging doctor is not the first human to successfully enter his own winky with his wee willy. What makes his feat so remarkable is that the dwarf-like goat-man has such an unusually small giggle-stick and most assumed that it would never reach the knot in his balloon. His bald yogurt-slinger has earned the moniker "Easy Rider" for more than one reason. Often seen humping large rats or the occassional dwarf-elephant, LBok typically succeeds in his amorous pursuits precisely because of his miniscule stink hammer: His prey often doesn't even notice that he's doing them.

So, onlookers and the internet community alike were amazed when Doc Bok took a swig of his home-brewed whisky, removed all of his clothes, and then chortled, "you may feel a little prick!" He then contorted his hooved shanks up over his head and curved his body around his own back such that he resembled a very disgusting cinnabun. Covered in a brown, sticky glaze, and wrapped in cellaphane, the surgeon then carefully probed his blind eye with his one-eyed worm.

"I didn't even know whether I'd successfully tickled my pickle," Doc Bok was heard to say afterwards, "until I after I'd put my capri pants back on and noticed all of the santorum."

LBok had been urged to attempt the feat on numerous occassions, but, until now he had succeeded only in using his fist for the old chimney sweep and, on one occasion, digging mud with the tongue shovel. Now, Bok has crossed that final frontier, he has gone where no man has gone before (except that many men have actually been to his, you know, but anyway).

Congratulations to you, Doc Bok, now you can move on to the next item on your life list.

Rustianity Welcomes Constructive Criticism

Rustianity in general and the First Unichurck in particular have come under criticism as of late for missing a few of the key elements of a mass religion.

"Sure, you have a bulletin, a website, some very fashionable clothing items, and an omnipotent God," say the detractors. "But you don't have a creation myth, a heaven myth, or the threat of mercilessly torturing all followers of other religions for all eternity."

God has asked me to relay the information that such detractors will be mercilessly tortured for all eternity. Hopefully that solves those problems, and we look forward to working with those of you who do not wish to be mercilessly tortured for all eternity.

In the name of Rusty,

Ahem.

Who Really Cares

I don't really read books anymore. However, I just watched a 20/20 show where John Stossel, the curly-headed mustachioed fellow who is always whining in favor of political incorrectness, discussed a book called Who Really Cares by Syracuse U prof Arthur Brooks. Brooks surveyed 10s of thousands of Americans to determine who donates what in America.

Brooks data shows that, in America, self-described conservatives give more to charities than liberals by about 30% despite making, on average, less money per family. Conservatives are 18% more likely to donate blood as well.

Do rich people give more? No, as a percentage of income, the working poor is the most generous group of people. The middle class (us) are the lowest givers. What is the biggest predictor of giving to charity? Whether the person is religious. Did you hear that doubters? Join the First Unichurck.

Lessons to be learned? 1) John Stossel is a whiner. 2) Liberals are generous in theory. 3) The First Unichurck is the solution to almost all of your problems.

Disclaimer: The First Unichurck is not actually the solution to almost all of your problems. We cannot correct erectile dysfunction, cheesy discharge, cartoon fungus characters, diureur, stupidity, consumerism, or bleeding from the anus (though we can apply salves).

Praise Rusty's Occity Network

The First United Church of Knowledge has teamed up with Rusty Enterprises Co. Inc. Ltd LLC, a very, very limited liability company and a faith-based initiative (RUE on the Newark Stock Exchanger) to launch the new web-based television network praising Rusty and all of his occity - Praise Rusty's Occity Network (PRON Tv).

Initial offerings from PRON Tv will include:

LonelyLamb16- Exploring the teen-aged years of Rusty's life, and told by those who knew him best, LonelySheep 16 is very, very loosely based upon the testaments of his high-school gym teacher, his former neighbor, and the guy that used to sell him cigarettes.

The Glory Hole- Rustians have long been affiliated with the social and philanthropical organization The Underminers. The Glory Hole series will dig into the history of the Underminers. We'll see how their tunnels, shafts, and other types of holes reflect the glory of the universe in which we're living and its creator, a humble, one-eared, slightly incompetent sheep called Rusty. You are guaranteed to be blown away.

Wiffey's World - Wiffey has been a controversial figure since the founding of Rustianity. Some believed she was the only true disciple while others thought she was a harlot. We'll find out.

Rusty, King of the Ewes- Delving into the histo-religio-backdroppings of the Churck, this histo-religio-drama explores how a humble, one-eared, slightly incompetent sheep could arise from the stables to become, in the eyes of many, king of the ewes.

Lisboan Dwarves- Based upon parables from the Second Book of Rugmunchians, this show is set it Portugal and will recount visions delivered unto Rusty's disciples while in Lisbon.

Victims & Churck Elders Reach Historic Settlement

Following an all-night session of tense negotiations, the First Unichuck has announced a historic settlement with alleged victims of alleged clergy alleged abuse. Expected to result in the largest such settlement since the Boston Catholic boy-raping thing, the FU settlement involves more than 500 alleged victims. Attorneys for the sheep as well as attorneys for the FU and FU leader OneEar announced the deal after a sleepless night of negotiations. According to the sheep's attorneys, "the victims appear satisfied with the settlement. None of them objected to the arrangement or to our rather sizeable attorney fee. They just ate some hay."

FU leader OneEar offered his condolences. "First, I would like to offer my sincerest, deepest, and hardest apologies to the sheep and their families, and I would like to reassure them and the general public that this should not happen again. The FU will do whatever to ensure that elders do not have inappropriate relations with non-consenting minor sheep." OneEar claims to have obtained a deep empathy for the victims and their families following extensive, private one-on-one meetings. "I really cannot overemphasize the need for more of these one-on-one meetings," claimed Ear.

Asked why the negotiations needed to occur during an all-night session, Ear responded, "Many important decisions, such as whether a nation should withdraw its fighting force from a foreign civil war, can be made only with the clear thinking achieved through the lack of sleep. Plus, we told some ghost stories."

Suck My Boycott

What is the FU missing that all of the really trendy religions have? That's right, boycotts. Whether it is the Reverend Al Sharpton, the Reverend Jerry Falwell or those people that are always bitching about what is on TV, it seems that all truly pious people have something which they insist upon not-buying. And, they do it in a very loud manner.

Announcing, the First Unichurck's first holy boycott in the furtherance of justice, goodness, and publicity! For as long as need be for us to get on the national news, FU followers shall boycott all forms of citrus. No more limes in your Cuba Libre, no more lemons with your Cuervo, and no more orange in your weiss-beir. Rickets be damned. (Coco, you are going to have to find a new way to mask your drinking at work. Have you considered Peppermint Schnapps?)

Hey hey
Ho Ho
Put us on the nightly news (after the macabre titillation over the VaTech tragedy expires).

Blood In Your Stool? Join Us!

Perhaps, the problem is that we have been too broad in our outreach. In trying to appeal to everybody, we have appealed to no bodies. Perhaps we should tailor our message to a particular segment of the population. Let's start with those who have blood in their stool.

The campaign will go something like this. If you are talking to someone and the conversation turns toward who has blood in their stool, you could interject, "Blood in your stool? You should join the First Unichurck." Then, give him/her/transgender the pamphlet - Why The First Unichurck is the only religion that makes any sense for a person with blood in his/her/transgender's stool.

If you are speaking before a group, say at your local Lion's Club or Underminer's Society, all the better. You will have the opportunity to steer the conversation appropriately. "Let's see a show of hands for who has blood in their stool. Keep em up. Now, how many of you belong to a religion that addresses the blood in your stool? Right. Now, put your hands back up if you have blood in your stool. Some of you who raised your hands last time are not raising them this time. Come on now, put em up. Ok, all of you who are not raising your hands come up here and deposit some stool on this big sheet of plastic so that we can make sure that you are in the right group. " etc. You can see how this will work to our advantage.

Once we have captured the large and growing blood-in-the-stool crowd, we can move on to other groups such as blood-in-the-urine and halitosis. In other words, let's let the churck grow organically.

UPDATE! How about "cigars in his/her/transgender's stool?" Would that be better?

EVEN FARTHER UP DATE!! More great reasons to drink urine.

THAT'S AS FAR UP AS IT REACHES DATE!!! Now I know what has been missing from the Clown Squad sound - a 6 inch floral bouquet.

Sneezing the Gospel

According to Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point, social events can and do behave like contagious diseases. The "tipping point" occurs in epidemiology when an illness reaches a critical mass which causes its infection rate to escalate to an epidemic rate. This same course of growth also can occur with social activities.

What we need to do is to spread the FU like an infectious disease. It will be sort of like a holy case of syphilis. Gladwell has set up the step-by-step plan to follow:

1) Mavens incubate the disease and then contact others through "connectors" who have many social contacts in other communities. We may have a problem here. The FU community is relatively self-contained (in-bred, if you will). However, perhaps it would work to rent a "connector" and to connect with her by the hour, in the name of religion.

2) Stickiness. The disease needs to be contagious. I think we have this one covered. The FU is pretty sticky.

3) Context. I have no idea what this means, so I assume that it is not important. Let's just stick with the first two steps.

Now, we need to pick the very best FU post, the stickiest, in order to have the greatest chance of spreading the FU word. Please vote for your all-time favorite post from Rusty Never Sleeps. The winner will be used to infect the world. It seems to be working for American Idle.

Common Denominator

I just heard another news report lamenting the demise of the daily newspaper. Oh really? What's next, loss of the sacred gramophone? Why on Earth would anyone need to rely upon a stack of chopped up wood pulp delivered by a guy driving a 1982 Polluter in order to get the news?
Why not just have Ugh chisel the news out on a stone tablet for you? I'm not sure why everyone's bloomers are in a bunch about the loss of this outdated technology. I, for one, am glad to trade all of the glossy paper insert mess for the internet's banner ads. And with the internet, if you are interested in a news story and want further details, other opinions, fact checking, oh, who am I kidding?

Regardless, I would think that we could all agree that the internet provides a superior delivery mechanism for daily news. Which brings me to one of the points raised during this story about the tragic demise of the paper. According to Ugh, people tend to only view websites which reinforce their beliefs and positions. Ugh posits that this trend explains increasing polarization in our populace. With newspapers, readers were bound to run into controversial and opposing opinions and might even read them. But with the internet, people only seek out information with which they already agree.

This got me to thinking about the Official Site of the First Unichurck and its loyal followers, or lack thereof. You may have noticed that there have been many visitors who visit 1 to 5 times, never to be heard from again. Using the Ugh Theory of Media, I wonder whether the Churck fails to provide enough affirmation for what people already believe.

I'm not sure what there is to disagree with here. Is it the zombies? Is it the discussions about race, gender, music, homosexuality, bestiality, and the end of the world? I wouldn't think those would be controversial subjects. Granted, I've taken a relatively strong stance against the war on fear. After our experience with the war on poverty and the war on drugs, who would have expected a war on fear to fail. (Does anyone remember what the term "war" means?)

But we're turning away parishioners by the ones and twos. So, I have resolved to discuss only topics with which there can be no disagreement.

1) The tax code sucks. Honestly, I've spent about half of my life in school, and I can't figure out most of the forms derived from the tax code, let alone the code itself. The system which describes how we pay dues takes up an entire shelf of books (without even mentioning the shelves upon shelves of books dedicated to interpreting the dues rules). Can't we all agree that this is silly.
2) We don't need any more investigative inquiries into murders. The husband did it.
3) A sponge guy should not wear square pants.
4) Celebrities are just not that informative. Maybe we really care about whether Britnay wears drawers, but do we care about Susan Sarandon's opinion about whatever? (Does she wear drawers?)
5) It is really funny when a grown man shits himself and his hotel room but not so funny if you happen to be the one to step in it.
6) Pluto never deserved to be a planet in the first place.
7) Jockomo feena nay

You, the reader, are wonderful, and you are right about everything.

Munitions Day Moved to Feb 17

Due to a lack of advance sales for the First Unichurck's first official holiday, the decision has been made to reschedule the celebration of the death of our Rusty to February 17. Please adjust your lives accordingly.

It has been pointed out that a celebration of the death of our Rusty may be premature insofar as Rusty is not dead. This type of criticism is uncalled for. It is difficult enough to get an entire society to disrupt its work schedules and to purchase massive amounts of consumable in observance of a religious dealy, so please don't get all hung up on the technicalities. Please, leave the planning to us. The terms "follower" and "believer" relate to following and believing, not to questioning and questioning. Please.

Those who purchased advanced tickets for today's holiday will receive a credit for fully 40% off the adjusted value on their next purchase of Munitions Day tickets or select RUE merchandise (discounted and popular items excluded from this offer).

Thank you for your continued faith.

Bold New Plan Unhinged

During his much anticipated remarks last night, Rusty announced his new strategy for winning the hearts and minds of followers of other major religions.*

"Our strategy of religious conversion through bombing and killing is not working, and I recognize that," explained Rusty, "what do you think I am, an idiot?" Rusty then outlined his bold new proposal. "Obviously there is only one way to convert these fools to the one True Churck, and so here is my plan - more bombs and more killing."

In order to break the dumbstruck silence following the description of his “plan,” Rusty continued nervously. "Sometimes you have to die to be saved, and that is just how it is. The people need to recognize that faith is hard, and it requires sacrifice. And so we will increase the sacrifice until we arrive at faith. That is just how it is. No further questions."

Rusty is suffering from dismal public approval ratings which have, for the first time in recorded history, fallen into negative numbers. According to the latest redemption poll, there are less than zero people who approve of the direction Rusty has taken the First Unichurck. Rusty knows he is in a hole, but he will dig himself out of it come Hell or, well, I guess it is just come Hell.

Rusty’s poll numbers have been declining since release of his youth education plan – “No child’s behind left untouched.” Designed to address growing youth violence, Rusty’s approach of sending teachers into the homes of children to attack them violently seemed to have the unintended consequence of actually increasing resentment, hatred and violence. The approach, known as “beat them at their home so that we don’t have to beat them at our school,” is generally understood to be moronic.

It is hoped that Rusty's new conversion “plan” will halt his sliding poll numbers and postpone the inevitable until some other deity is on watch.

*Targeted religions include: Anglicans and curvicans, Bahais, Bapto-methodists, Catholics and assorted sex-based sects, Confucianists and fortune cookieists, Congregationalists (Assorted), Druids, Falun Gongers, Gabars, Guys with the white shirts on bikes, Jains, Jews, Martin Lutherans, Mahayanists, Mega-churchists, Mormons, Muslims, Old-timey peoples, Pagans, Parsis, Pentecostals and other reptile enthusiasts, Rastafari, Scientologists, Shaivists, Shintos, Sihks, Spiritists (Assorted), Svetambara guys, Taoists, Tenrikyos, Theravedists, Vaishnavists, Vajrayanists, Voodoo dudes, and Zoroastrists.

Also includes “Neo” all of the above, “Orthodox” all of the above and “Reformed” all of the above. However, the Churck will not accept anyone with a nationalist denomination such as Buddhofascists or Voodonazis.

Be Kind To Animals Campaign

There is no segment of the population which is more loyal and kind-hearted than animal lovers. So I have developed a plan to court this large, faithful population to the True Churck.

It happens on a daily basis somewhere in America. A man and a woman, previously the satisfied and satisfying home hosts to a pet dog or cat, suddenly throw the situation into turmoil by birthing a baby human. Tragedy enues.

The animal guest is doomed to a life of tail pulling, eye poking, and unhealthy food droppings. The dog or cat will never again be the center of attention upon whom the parents dote. The fountain of love previously lavished upon the animal showers instead upon the "widdle baby." For the estimated 60 million dogs and 70 million cats in the US, there is no greater calamity than the birth of a human.

Announcing, in our ongoing effort to attract members and to save noble creatures from a life of horror, the Great American Homo Out. We will do everything in our power to see to it that not another homo sapien is born, ever. Part PETA, part Planned Parenthood, the GAHO will be a celebration of life without human reproduction. Think about what a wonderful world it will be for future generations without all of those crying, snot-nosed, tail pulling infants.

Good Old Precious

The recent cold snap here in the Midwest is causing me to rethink my decision to place the poles of redemption outdoors. Several of the FU Dancers are now stuck in compromising positions, and their complaints are becoming quite shrill.

I had read, in several of the leading treatises on the subject, that first time strippers should avoid the pole. However, I didn't realize that there was any danger of the shall we say "moist tissues" becoming affixed to the frozen pole. My bad.

I recall a similar scene in the movie The Christmas Story. So, this got me to thinking. Perhaps we should leave them out there through the holiday season. It will be kind of a Munitions Day manger scene type thing.

Fallen, Barbecued Hero

What do you have to do to get some attention these days? Malachi Ritscher was not just any man. In fact, no man is any man. No, Malachi Ritscher was passionate, strong-willed, and flammable. And, on November 3, 2006, Malachi set himself on fire in the name of something.

And yet, despite the fact that his self-combustion was videotaped, and despite his carefully planned and executed diary/suicide note, and despite pouring gasoline on himself and then lighting his own wick near a busy intersection in downtown Chicago, nobody seemed to notice for 5 days. I guess people just don't appreciate a genius when they see his charred carcass smoldering by the off-ramp.

As an aside, I note that Mr. Ritscher "paid $25 to become an ordained minister with the Missionaries of the New Truth..." Perhaps that would be a good fund-raising system. I also note that he "claimed to be able to recite the infinite number Pi to more than 1,000 decimal places." If only he had found the True Churck before he found the matches.

But, back to the point. What kind of stunt could FU followers possibly pull to get some decent publicity?

Eureka!

Coco could acquire a list of the patients on whom LBok will be performing surgery in a given month. Then, Alceste could sneak into their homes to acquire some small personal momentos. (Coco would create the diversion). The momentos could be irradiated with special lettering and then inserted into the patients by LBok during surgery. BundesKraut could file suit against all of the people on some pretense or another and depose them all on the same day. At their deposition, the lights would be dimmed and a giant x-ray machine would be activated to reveal, in glowing letters on keepsake objects within their own bodies, the message, "Baaaaaaa if you love Rusty." Bring up the stage lights and the FU Dancers are positioned on their poles. ML fires up the vibrator chips and everybody erupts into a pineapplesque orgasm.

We'll put the whole thing on YouTube.

Pole Position

I was feeling a little sorry for myself over the holidays. Sorry to be profane, but I got to the point where I had to say, "Froach this mubil-harfing sterk!" I've been giving my froaching heart and soul to try to grow this mubil-sterking Churck. I've formed companies, I've formed governments, and yet, the FU is just not growing as fast as other religions.

Christianity adds 46 million per year, Islam adds 29 million per year, and here we are with a lousy 6 or so members. Even Jesus had 13 disciples. Come on people.

Ms. Litzi's proposal to screen XXX movies got me to thinking. (I assume she was being fascetious as it is obviously inappropriate to show XXX movies at a religious institution).

Announcing the FU Dancers and the pole of redemption. I found a source where we can order the pole. Selling home poles for "the hottest health & fitness craze to sweep the nation in years," Lil'Mynx seems like just the kind of resource we need to bring this fantasy home.

I also located a blog By Strippers For Strippers which has a veritable plethora of gamps. Many of them sound like just the kind of people we need to ride our poles. We will have them perform to Solomon's Song. It will be a BYOB kind of deal with $12.00 Pepsis. You know the drill.

FU Seeks Damages From Borat

We are p1ssed! The movie Borat has offended our sensibilities, and we shall not take this lying down.

"You haven't even seen this movie," you say.

True. But that does not preclude my ability to file suit.

"This movie doesn't even mention the First Unichurck," you say.

Exactly. This guy thinks he can make fools out of us by failing to acknowledge our existence while he makes hundreds of dollars. Well, he's got another guy cumming.

I have instructed OneNoteSolo (aka Bundes Kraut) to make a federal case out of it. As far as the amount of our damages, I'm going to draw a card from the deck, and, whatever the number is, that will be the number of "0's" after $4.