Allies Celebrate BJ day!

They said it couldn't be done, but we did it! We've managed to blow $400,000,000,000.00 in Iraq! I say "Don't stop now, we've got this GDP on the ropes."

To grasp the magnitude of our accomplishment, review some of the comparisons provided by the National Priorities Project. They indicate that this sum of money is sufficient to buy 7 Million teachers. But consider the size of the teachers' lounge you would need. Hello? Doesn't anybody think any more? We really need to do something about the educational system if you don't see the problem here.

These spend-thrift do-gooders also claim that $400B would pay for 20 million 4 year college scholarships. Screw that, I'm done with college. I want my money to go where it will do some good - to some politically connected contractors in some god-forsaken shithole.

I say we set our sights higher - $1,000,000,000,000.00. It will be like Jason and the Argonuts bringing home the Golden Fleece! And we will reap our just reward.

Check Please

As soon as we reach the $400,000,000,000.00 milestone in the war on fear of Iraq, I would like to pay my tab and cash out. There are 110M households in the US, so I figure if I throw in $4,000, that should cover my family's share to date plus a tip. By paying off the principal now, I hope to avoid further interest, penalties and dead people.

Granted, if I hadn't spent my money killing people in Iraq, I probably would have blown it on beer, cigars, and my kids' college fund. So, I'm really not all the farther behind, aside from the rotting corpses of parents and children and the world-wide animosity. Still, I really don't feel like paying any more.

People keep telling me that Iraq will evolve into a civil war without US occupation. I continue to wish Iraq the best in pursuing that endeavor. I just don't feel like paying any more.

People keep reminding me that the US was attacked on 9-11 and that the world is different now. True, so how about this for logic. Since the US was attacked and since the world is different, how about letting me keep my money. Perhaps I'll buy some duct tape. I'd even consider buying stock in Exxon-Mobil and Archer-Daniels if that is what you really want.

If we need a kill'em-dead foreign policy, then let's just leave it at that. We can blow people up in fairly short order. If they don't rebuild to our specifications, then we can blow them up again. That would be much cheaper and more straightforward than this "nation-building" nonsense. As it stands, I've spent $4,000 on a $800 job, and they're still messing around. I don't feel like paying any more.

Bold New Plan Unhinged

During his much anticipated remarks last night, Rusty announced his new strategy for winning the hearts and minds of followers of other major religions.*

"Our strategy of religious conversion through bombing and killing is not working, and I recognize that," explained Rusty, "what do you think I am, an idiot?" Rusty then outlined his bold new proposal. "Obviously there is only one way to convert these fools to the one True Churck, and so here is my plan - more bombs and more killing."

In order to break the dumbstruck silence following the description of his “plan,” Rusty continued nervously. "Sometimes you have to die to be saved, and that is just how it is. The people need to recognize that faith is hard, and it requires sacrifice. And so we will increase the sacrifice until we arrive at faith. That is just how it is. No further questions."

Rusty is suffering from dismal public approval ratings which have, for the first time in recorded history, fallen into negative numbers. According to the latest redemption poll, there are less than zero people who approve of the direction Rusty has taken the First Unichurck. Rusty knows he is in a hole, but he will dig himself out of it come Hell or, well, I guess it is just come Hell.

Rusty’s poll numbers have been declining since release of his youth education plan – “No child’s behind left untouched.” Designed to address growing youth violence, Rusty’s approach of sending teachers into the homes of children to attack them violently seemed to have the unintended consequence of actually increasing resentment, hatred and violence. The approach, known as “beat them at their home so that we don’t have to beat them at our school,” is generally understood to be moronic.

It is hoped that Rusty's new conversion “plan” will halt his sliding poll numbers and postpone the inevitable until some other deity is on watch.

*Targeted religions include: Anglicans and curvicans, Bahais, Bapto-methodists, Catholics and assorted sex-based sects, Confucianists and fortune cookieists, Congregationalists (Assorted), Druids, Falun Gongers, Gabars, Guys with the white shirts on bikes, Jains, Jews, Martin Lutherans, Mahayanists, Mega-churchists, Mormons, Muslims, Old-timey peoples, Pagans, Parsis, Pentecostals and other reptile enthusiasts, Rastafari, Scientologists, Shaivists, Shintos, Sihks, Spiritists (Assorted), Svetambara guys, Taoists, Tenrikyos, Theravedists, Vaishnavists, Vajrayanists, Voodoo dudes, and Zoroastrists.

Also includes “Neo” all of the above, “Orthodox” all of the above and “Reformed” all of the above. However, the Churck will not accept anyone with a nationalist denomination such as Buddhofascists or Voodonazis.

The Foggiest Notion

Man sitting on dead horse.

Be Kind To Animals Campaign

There is no segment of the population which is more loyal and kind-hearted than animal lovers. So I have developed a plan to court this large, faithful population to the True Churck.

It happens on a daily basis somewhere in America. A man and a woman, previously the satisfied and satisfying home hosts to a pet dog or cat, suddenly throw the situation into turmoil by birthing a baby human. Tragedy enues.

The animal guest is doomed to a life of tail pulling, eye poking, and unhealthy food droppings. The dog or cat will never again be the center of attention upon whom the parents dote. The fountain of love previously lavished upon the animal showers instead upon the "widdle baby." For the estimated 60 million dogs and 70 million cats in the US, there is no greater calamity than the birth of a human.

Announcing, in our ongoing effort to attract members and to save noble creatures from a life of horror, the Great American Homo Out. We will do everything in our power to see to it that not another homo sapien is born, ever. Part PETA, part Planned Parenthood, the GAHO will be a celebration of life without human reproduction. Think about what a wonderful world it will be for future generations without all of those crying, snot-nosed, tail pulling infants.

What to do, what to do?

Let's assume that we have $400 Billion US. What should we do with it?

Apocalypse Soon?

A Congressman from California,apparently the vanguard of the Clown revolutionaries, has recognized that the Rupture is upon us. Mr. Doolittle, representative of the 4th district, brought his clear grasp of international affairs to a recent debate:

(The war in Iraq) he said, "leads to what the Bible ultimately says: Armageddon will take place in the Middle East. The Bible mentions the Euphrates River in Iraq as the place of prelude to the final battle of Armageddon that will bring about the world's end. "

Finally, some of the leadership of this nation has engaged in the careful analysis necessary to fully and completely adopt an apocalyptic vision of the future of the world. Only by carefully examining the webpages of the Bible (the approved version, not the rough draft) in the King's English (and King James was not gay, by the way. He just stopped at that club one time on a whim) can one find the proper strategy to employ in Iraq. Alternatively, one could simply purchase the TRIPE voice over internet to God phone system from Rusty Enterprises in order to get a direct line.

Either way, perhaps if we all pull together, we can bring about the end of the world before the end of the next election cycle.

Kim Getting On Nerves Of FU

North Korea is really starting to p!ss me off. First they launched a rocket more than 30 feet offshore. Now, they are threatening to look up nucular weapons on wikipedia!

If they don't knock it off, the US is going to .... wait, I think we're busy.

The New Adventures of Snotty and Spoogy - War Jokes

War! Infitada! Declared on Churck

In a surprizing and as yet incomprehensible strategic move, fitness-celebrity John Basedow has declared that he is tired of repeating that he is, therefore, only interested in cosmetically significant fitness results.

Anyone can get in "good" cardiovascular shape and extend his functional
life-expectancy by 10 to 20 years, but hey, who's going to hang around for that
long to see results when you're trying to pick up barely-legal boys at
rest-stops? It's the pec-implants,
frosted-a-la-1970's-hairdo-that-my-mom-sported-with-much-greater-class-and-success,
purple wife-beaters and the triangle symbol that takes you places. And,
BTW, FITNESS MADE SIMPLE is declaring
"I-Dee-Claire-WAR-W-A-R" on the First Unichurck. I've had it with that
maimed sheep and all his ramblings. He's only got one ear, for Gosh's
sake. We're going to show him what a few thousand sit-ups per day
because I don't have a real job that would otherwise take up my waking
hours can do. I and my army of
purple prancing Peter Pans will look one more time in the mirror--just for a
sec--and then teach him some lessons in the fine art of socially crippling but
financially lucrative narcisism--he REALLY could use a lesson in saturation
advertising. We're on every station on cable!! Heeheeheeeheeee!
Thilly Theep. I will frost his curly locks before the week is out.
It will be the mother of all frostings. And maybe a Brazilian wax, while
we're at it.

On War

von Clausewitz' classic treatise On War begins with the simple question, "What is War? (Was ist der Krieg)" He answers that question a mere paragraph later with the statement, "War therefore is an act of violence to compel our opponent to fulfil our will." (J.J. Graham translation, 1873).

Note that "our will" and "our opponent" assume a "we" with consensus. This assumed consensus is problematic in societies with diffused power and various agendas. If "we" cannot agree on our intentions, we do not have a shared will to fulfil. This is the principle reason why we are failing in the war on Iraq, the war on terror, and the war on poverty.

Let's take the most important case, the war on poverty. In that case, the opponent is poverty. Poverty is defined as "the state of having little or no money and few or no material possessions". So, now we know which state to attack.

What is the appropriate act of violence? We could choose beheading or cutting off nipples like the ancient Irish? Or, we could blow up some cities like more contemporary warriors. Before deciding how to hurt the state of poverty, we must decide what we want to compel poverty to do.

What is "our" will? Let us assume that our will is to enrich ourselves. By that I mean enrich myself. I don't give a damn about you (for rhetorical purposes). But what of your desire to enrich yourself? When we try to determine the appropriate act of violence to compel the state of poverty to fulfil "our" will, we run smack dab into the concept of "me."

The solution to this dilemma is the immediate suspension of any and all dissention. We need to be united in our violence. Remember, there is no "I" in "team," but there is a "me" "met" "mate" "at" "meat" "tea." That sounds like something a monkey could be taught to say by sign language.

von Clausewitz' model tries to "emphasise the necessary and general, and to leave a margin for the play of the particular and accidental; but to exclude all that is arbitrary, unfounded, trifling, fantastical; or sophistical."

Now do you see the big mistake?