well?

can you spot your hero and mine?

rusty, rusty

four-legged fool

you bathe yourself

in a pool-full

of drool

rusty, rusty

he's our man

if he can't do it

nobody can

Kenny Bloom

with his head in the womb

he beats it with a broom

as he's dancing on his tomb for

RUSTY

RUSTY

Sydney, Sydney

where are you?

We got somethin'

we'd like you to do for

RUSTY

RUSTY

Bean-pole Mike,

well, he's no dike

he knows how to play

what we like for

RUSTY

RUSTY

Jim Graham

with a sandwich

made of Spam

He knows just how to lay

that jam for

RUSTY

RUSTY

Colin Clark

He taught Mark to park

But he doesn't light a Spark

when he's smokin' in the dark

with

RUSTY

RUSTY

Shiny Happy People

Many people, or at least one, have posed the question, "Why the First Unichurck? Don' t you think it is kind of silly to worship a one-eared, slightly incompetent sheep toy invented by (your friend) Cocoa-no-Gogo?"

Have you never sat out in nature watching a sunset at dawn? Have you never smelled the sweet fragrance of flowers in a field covered with new fallen snow? Have you never heard the mating dance of a flock of wild ponies? If you have, then you know what I'm talking about, and that goes doubly if you haven't.

It has been established by "science" that happy religious people are happier than unhappy people. Honestly, it is true. Studies show it. Why would this possibly be? Because the contemplative life is best achieved by pondering an undead magical savior-ghost?

Meditation changes the human brain, and we assume that this change is for the better. (Alcohol does too, but that is a different matter). Meditation actually increases the brain size, and, in religion, size matters. So, if you are a human being that values his/her/transgender's brain, the evidence is clear. You should meditate each and every day. Warning: Do not meditate to excess or while driving. If you think that you might be a meditation-holic, you are one. It is time to slow down and get some help.

"That doesn't answer the question," you might be thinking. "Why worship Rusty when there are so many other more widely-accepted magical savior-ghosts to consider?" The answer lies in the question. What was the question again?

Now, I've gone back to the beginning of this post to remind myself about the question, and I've ended up here again. This seems to be some kind of a circular-type circle. And so it is with religion.

As Arlo Guthrie once said while misquoting someone else, "You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in."

"Rusty - The God for those who enjoy oral sex."

The FU is much like the Heaven's Gate religion, only it is not a cult and it is not run by a crazy person. (Incidentally, the HG (HG WELLS, coincidence?) used to meet at the Pat Boone Motel. Following this model, I was thinking that we should meet at the Buzz Bresette Motel. I can't remember where it is. Kittyhawk?) But, unlike the HG, the FU hasn't found its gimmick yet. Hows about oral?

When I was in high school, for several months, I attended a southern baptist church because I was trying to have sex with a girl who believed in that particular faith. As an aside, this happened in Virginia where religions followed a practice known as "segregation." On one occasion, several of our youth group went on some sort of exchange to a black baptist church, and I saw first-hand how the other side lives. They rocked! People were jumping around and singing and testifying. It was almost enough to make you believe in ghosts.

Anyway, back to pubescent intercourscepades. The preacher's daughter (not the particular object of my affection, but I would gladly have affected her too) was a comely lass who, although somewhat tom-boyish, had a nice set of feeding pimples. My friend, we'll call him Mark because that was/is his name, and the preacher's daughter, and my affect and myself were walking on the beach one night when we split off into teams. When we looked back, the preacher's daughter was giving Mark a blow-job right there on the beach! No matter how many times I nudged, winked, and gestured, my friend didn't seem to get the hint.

I trace the moment that I lost faith to the time when I found out there was no Santa Claus. However, the lack of sexual gratification on the beach while the preacher's daughter blew my friend pretty much sealed it. Wouldn't an omnipotent benevolent God hook me up?

Kindler Gentler Rusty

Munitions Day Moved to Feb 17

Due to a lack of advance sales for the First Unichurck's first official holiday, the decision has been made to reschedule the celebration of the death of our Rusty to February 17. Please adjust your lives accordingly.

It has been pointed out that a celebration of the death of our Rusty may be premature insofar as Rusty is not dead. This type of criticism is uncalled for. It is difficult enough to get an entire society to disrupt its work schedules and to purchase massive amounts of consumable in observance of a religious dealy, so please don't get all hung up on the technicalities. Please, leave the planning to us. The terms "follower" and "believer" relate to following and believing, not to questioning and questioning. Please.

Those who purchased advanced tickets for today's holiday will receive a credit for fully 40% off the adjusted value on their next purchase of Munitions Day tickets or select RUE merchandise (discounted and popular items excluded from this offer).

Thank you for your continued faith.

Bold New Plan Unhinged

During his much anticipated remarks last night, Rusty announced his new strategy for winning the hearts and minds of followers of other major religions.*

"Our strategy of religious conversion through bombing and killing is not working, and I recognize that," explained Rusty, "what do you think I am, an idiot?" Rusty then outlined his bold new proposal. "Obviously there is only one way to convert these fools to the one True Churck, and so here is my plan - more bombs and more killing."

In order to break the dumbstruck silence following the description of his “plan,” Rusty continued nervously. "Sometimes you have to die to be saved, and that is just how it is. The people need to recognize that faith is hard, and it requires sacrifice. And so we will increase the sacrifice until we arrive at faith. That is just how it is. No further questions."

Rusty is suffering from dismal public approval ratings which have, for the first time in recorded history, fallen into negative numbers. According to the latest redemption poll, there are less than zero people who approve of the direction Rusty has taken the First Unichurck. Rusty knows he is in a hole, but he will dig himself out of it come Hell or, well, I guess it is just come Hell.

Rusty’s poll numbers have been declining since release of his youth education plan – “No child’s behind left untouched.” Designed to address growing youth violence, Rusty’s approach of sending teachers into the homes of children to attack them violently seemed to have the unintended consequence of actually increasing resentment, hatred and violence. The approach, known as “beat them at their home so that we don’t have to beat them at our school,” is generally understood to be moronic.

It is hoped that Rusty's new conversion “plan” will halt his sliding poll numbers and postpone the inevitable until some other deity is on watch.

*Targeted religions include: Anglicans and curvicans, Bahais, Bapto-methodists, Catholics and assorted sex-based sects, Confucianists and fortune cookieists, Congregationalists (Assorted), Druids, Falun Gongers, Gabars, Guys with the white shirts on bikes, Jains, Jews, Martin Lutherans, Mahayanists, Mega-churchists, Mormons, Muslims, Old-timey peoples, Pagans, Parsis, Pentecostals and other reptile enthusiasts, Rastafari, Scientologists, Shaivists, Shintos, Sihks, Spiritists (Assorted), Svetambara guys, Taoists, Tenrikyos, Theravedists, Vaishnavists, Vajrayanists, Voodoo dudes, and Zoroastrists.

Also includes “Neo” all of the above, “Orthodox” all of the above and “Reformed” all of the above. However, the Churck will not accept anyone with a nationalist denomination such as Buddhofascists or Voodonazis.

The True Meaning of Munitions Day

This is a wonderful time of year to pause and to reflect upon the true spirit of Munitions Day. January 13th is not just about who received which explosive object. It means so much more than that. Munitions Day is a day when we all join together in celebration of Rusty. And in Rusty, and because we live in the spirit of Rusty, and he in us, and we in each other, and all of us in one, and one in all, we party.

Munitions Day is a time of year when the universe conspires with itself to raise the vibratory level of consciousness on earth to one of self-peace and self-love toward ourselves. There is a feeling of childlike excitement, an air of palpable thrill, kind of like discovering masturbation. And when it is over, before the used wrapping tissues have even been disposed of, we are looking forward to doing it all over again.

For time is temporal, and, at least at the speeds we travel, linear (relatively speaking). But we have a problem. Even though we were made by Rusty to know Rusty, we can only know Rusty if He reveals Himself to us. Mercifully, in the vast darkness of ignorance in which we live, there is a beacon of light shining strong and pure. What is the source of that light? A match held by Rusty, bound by gelatin, and extended toward all who are prepared to light the fuse of faith.

It has been said that Rusty is not far from any one of us. That truth is never truer than on Munitions Day. A giant, colorful carp riding a skateboard pulled by miniature elephants through an underground shaft to lay gelatin sacks of explosives on the pillows of good girls and boys? We all know that this is a fantastical story. There is no bomb. But Rusty. Rusty is the bomb.

After the Rupture Carp has come and gone, and after we have all exchanged gifts and receipts so that we can take back the crap that doesn't fit, and after we have dropped our hints to just get us a gift card next year to save us all the hassle, we are left with the Glory of Rusty. He is utterly pure, free from all evil, totally without blame or error. He never lowers His standards. There are some things He wouldn't do no matter how drunk He got. Holiness is what makes Rusty Rusty. Nothing else matters.

So here is a little poem to get you in the mood for the season:

M - is for the Mess of carp on the table,
U - is for Undermining,
N - is for the Niceties of workplace blogging;
I - is for Einstein,
T - is for Two-step,
I - is for Einstein, I already went over that,
O - is for Overlord,
N - is for Nuzzling,
S - is for Something.

D - is for Down,
A- is for Assparagus,
Y - is for Urine.

And Rusty should be in there too somewhere.

Kids These Days

What is wrong with these kids these days? I was out doing some FU recruiting last night, and when I was explaining how we worship a one-eared, lazy, and slightly incompetent sheep with an apocalyptic vision of tomorrow, these kids looked at me like I was crazy?!?

Likewise, many of our youth-targeted sales initiatives have been disappointments. Despite our focus on urine and feces (two things that every youth needs), we have been unsuccessful in tapping into the critical "disposable income/no discretion" demographic.

Coco made the first effort with the catchy tune "Her Wookie's A Leaker" which I cleverly adapted to "Her Nookie's a Leaker." (Speaking of leakers, what happened to Thursday, Coco?)

Next, we launched the attractive "Monkey Thoroughing Poo" series of apparel. This was much less successful than anticipated.

What do these kids want?

Royal Flush

So, I says to God, I says, "Alright already, Rusty, I'll do it. Jesus Christ, give me a break!" He had been threatening to pipe in Celine Dion music during my stay in hell. I doubt that a good and loving deity could really be so cruel, but I'm not going to chance it.

So, I hereby launch my campaign to be your next Second District Sewerage District Commissioner.

What makes me qualified, you might ask.

1) My opponent believes in strangling kittens, punching old ladies, and raping penguins. I don't.

2) My opponent wants to "cut and run." I want to "patch and lie."

3) My opponent shat his pants during the first two years of his life. I can honestly say that I never shat his pants.

So, when you ask yourself, "Which candidate is best for my feces and urine?" I ask you to think of me.

OneEar - For a Better Sh1tter.

Wouldn't Be Prudent

Our God, Rusty, has called on me to run for public office. I told him I need some time to think about it, but I really have already made up my mind that I'm not going to do it.

Sure, it would be great to fill appointments with advocates of my own brand of religious zealotry. But I'm just not prepared to open myself to public criticism again.

Plus, who wants to be Sewerage District Commissioner for the second district. I don't even live in the second district, and we have a septic system at my house. It just strikes stinks of hypocrisy.

So, back to my problem. How can I let God down gently without damning myself to eternal hellfire?

And in the End, There Was Rusty

And so, this explains where Rusty came from, how his disciples found him, and how OneEar became "Number One."

Hopefully, this makes the whole thing clearer and will save your soul from the Rupture and will inspire you to do good works.

In the name of Rusty.

Ahem.

Rusty's Unextinct The Rhino Operation

Rusty's Unextinct the Rhino Operation (code Rut-Ro) has begun reanimation processes to re-originate the black rhino. In a sharp split from his past directives, Rusty is now endorsing certain classes of the undead including Saviors and rhinoceri (but not garden variety zombies or accountants).

Rusty's godly directive to "Get f^cked by a rhino" will be analyzed over coming months by the First Unichurck high council. Chief spokesman OneEar has indicated that, in this instance, he would rather that someone else be "the chosen One."

The True Churck has begun stockpiling petroleum jelly, screw drivers, and other prying implements in anticipation of the high council's canonical imperative.

The New Rusty

American Idle

Concerns have been expressed, disquietudes disquieted, and apprehensions unapprehended about the current depiction of our savior, Rusty.

It is no easy task to create a cartoon representation of the source of all life and soul, especially when he is a one-eared, slightly incompetent sheep. Thus far, the Churck has allowed him to be depicted by his enemies.

You will recall the famous volley in the cartoon crusades when Rusty was depicted with a pickle and a sausage and a thought. In a variation of "turn the other cheek," the Churck mooned his detractors by embracing their image of Rusty. A complete line of Rustywhear soon followed, designed and distributed by RUE, Inc., a faith-based initiative. However, apparently not all followers of the True Churck see the wisdom of this strategy. As mentioned, we have received countless concerns, disquietudes and apprehensions which I will not bother to count.

At the recent meeting of the high Churck council, all of the attending bishops got drunk, fell down and acted stupid. Bishop Busty Foxxx of Detroit did not even bother to attend. Thus, the problem remains unresolved. Please submit your proposed images of his holiness and we will take them under advisement.

Thank Rusty

Our good and gracious Rusty has done it again! I was pining away in my cubicle this afternoon, when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a special delivery marked "Rush."

Wonderful, I thought, I love rush. Many of my favorite objects are rush! Upon closer examination, I learned that the box also was marked "Insulated" and "Perishable." Even better. Insulated perishable rush object(s)! What else could I learn from the packaging? "Up" with an arrow pointing, of all directions, upwards. Now we were getting somewhere. My imagination raced with all of the possibilities, and I could hardly restrain myself from tearing into the present.

But wait a minute. What if those crafty batterers had sent me a package bomb or some anthrax or a Kathy Lee Gifford album? Was I willing to take the risk? After much deliberation, I elected to open the box.

What to my wondering eyes should appear but an insulated box filled with smoked bratwurst from Wisconsin!?!?! The smoked meat was accompanied by the referenced invoice. If you look carefully, you will see that the order for the smoked meat was placed by none other than Rusty himself! I am going to cherish these bratwurst forever and forever.

Thank you Rusty for this food that I have received.

Rusty says, Eating Gelatin is OK!

Kay said,
"gelatin is not kosher in case you were concerned"

Dear Kay,

These arbitrary dietary rules and restrictions are just another reason to leave you Old World Religion behind and join up with Rusty's First UnichurK. Rusty not only permits the consumption of gelatin, but he encourages it. In fact, Rusty Enterprises in one of the world's leading suppliers of gelatin and gelatin-like products.

What makes Rusty's gelatin so special? Well, as you may or may not be aware, gelatin is made from "cowlagen"…and Rusty Enterprise uses only the purest source of cowlagen –COWS! To find out more about how we process our cows in our state-of-the-art rendering facility located in beautiful Charlestown, MA, and to discover why Rusty Enterprises has earned the title "the Gentle Renderer," click here.

Many companies may say that their most valuable asset is their employees but at Rusty Enterprises we know it's true…especially since our entire staff consists of Abu Gogo workers who are prized for their small features and keen sense of smell, and who are also easily tricked into contracts of long servitude. The Abu Gogo oversee the processes that transforms various cow elements into assorted Rusty gelatin and gelatin-like products and you can learn more about that here.

So, Kay, when it comes to gelatin we encourage you to gather as much information as possible and then come out to one of Rusty's First UnichurK ceremonies where you can sample a Gummy Lamb. We promise you won't burn in Hell and the first one is free.

"Let he whose sins have been absolved throw stones at everyone else."

Dear Followers;

For the last several periods of time, along with our music and ministry endeavors, Rusty has called upon us to pioneer a religious business endeavor to support and fund our ministry efforts. By Rusty's grace, this has grown into a fairly substantial enterprise, Rusty Enterprises Corporation Limited Inc., a very very limited liability company (RUE on the Newark Stock Exchange).

Our business plan is Jeremiah 33:1-11 - reveal things we do not know, restore the wealth of the land to us, and cause the nations of the earth to tremble. Unfortunately, conventional lending institutions do not accept this business plan. I hope they enjoy the eternal hellfires of damnation.

Despite the hurdles placed before us by non-believers, banks, and other materialists, RUE has grown supernaturally. As Rusty's prophets have been prophesying in many prophesies, Nothing's gonna turn us back now, straight ahead and on the track now. We're gonna make our dreams come true, doin' it our way!"

RUE is, indeed, doin' it our way, and our way is Rusty's way. RUE's success is part of Rusty's grand plan for the universe, and we therefore ask that you pray for our success - pray in the form of giving us your money.

As Rusty revealed to his disciples in the Clown Squad's award winning musical, Salmon Boy, "Don't sell sex, sell religion!" Rusty revealed the corollary is this commandment, "Thou shalt buy religion and all of its accoutrements including the Rusty thong, the Baaaa if you love Rusty bib and other Rustywhear."

Granted, Rusty is less concise and more crass than some other deities, but that does not denigrate the truth of his wisdom whatsoever.

Rusty shall guide us out of the wilderness of original sin to the all-inclusive resort of righteousness. We solemnly bow our heads together and pray - pray that Rusty will grant you the wisdom and the courage to recognize how important it is for you to buy each and every RUE product for each and every person that you know. RUE shall succeed because it must succeed. I would not recommend trying to argue against that logic or you will find yourself in the scalded company of a certain group of bankers.

Home Riot Program Undergoes Name Change

You may recall that I recently expressed the sentiment, "If they don’t stop depicting us as a bunch of crazed, violent fanatics, I am going to blow something up!? (original post) I then revealed my new Home Rioting program which was referred to as DI_ (fill in the blank with a Y).

Well, it turns out that a certain three letters of the alphabet constitute a trademarked trademark. We all learned how complicated intellectual property law can be during Coco's unsuccesful efforts to trademark water. You can pick your battles, as they say, but you can't pick your friend's nose. Having said that, the program will be renamed. Yes, I am caving in to the bowers that pee. But I will make lemonade out of this piss.

We now offer exclusive franchising opportunities in "Cozy Expressions Home Rioting." This is more of a pyramid system than a Ponzi scheme, although it does contain the benefits of both. We promise you will never have to work a day in your life again. You'll spend your leisure time trashing your living room and trying to cajole your friends and loved ones into joining. What could be better? And you can Do It ALL Yourself.

Church Under Attack

The gauntlet has been dropped, dear followers, and the True Church is under attack. The latest barrage of assault comes in the form of cartoons. Yes, cartoons, for God’s sake. This is no Beetle Bailey cartoon attack, this is pure Hagar the Horrible.

If they don’t stop depicting us as a bunch of crazed, violent fanatics, I am going to blow something up! First, we had to suffer through attacks by Hollywood and the secular media – “Rusty, Rusty Superstar,” and “The Last Temptation of Rusty,” to name just a few (actually, a couple). Just because a few bishops may have gotten a little too cozy with a few lambs doesn’t give anyone the right to label us “Sheepf^ck$rs.”

Enough is enough (contrary to what I wrote in my famous treatise “Is Enough Really Enough?”). Now is time for countermeasures, and the most productive response I can think of is a riot. Because many of us have real lives as well, it is unrealistic to try to get all followers together for a traditional riot.

Instead, I have devised a revolutionary new concept in rioting – The DIY Home Riot. On Saturday at 2:44am (just after bar time), we will all simultaneously trash our own living rooms in a powerful united show of force. Please RSVP your availability to riot so that we can get a rough head count.

The Rupture is Upon Us!!!!!!!

Rusty is coming.