Old Saint Carp Is In Da House

Twas the night before Munitions Day
N' all through ma crib
All ma peeps wuz down sleepin'
I was bonin' Adam's rib

Yah, ma peeps wuz down dreamin'
Bout the sh!t they be eatin'
But the Missuz and I wuz
A havin' a board meetin'

When down in da hole
They arose such a noize
I said, "Damn racket packet,
Dat must be ma boyzzzz."

So I pulled up ma trousers
Ta go check on ma homies
N' I cocked up ma uzi
Just in case of the gnomies

When what to my bloodshotted
Eyes should I see
But a big colored fish
N' he was looking at me.

He was giant N' ugly
N' smelled somethin' terrible
N' he laffed when he saw me
N' his breaf was unbearable

Had to choke back da vomit
Creepin' up in ma troat
When he suddenly gave birth
To a large candied goat

The goat was encased
In a gelatin sack
And it squirmed and it jiggled
Like ma neighbor on crack.

Then the fish layed some sacks
Of munitions and bombs,
Gelatiny dynamite
N' bags of napalm.

Well, I'd had me enough
Soon my uzi was purrin'
But da carp, he just laffed
N' pissed gasoline urine.

Then out of the cellar
Like giant earth worms
Came a slimy skateboard
Pulled by mini-pachyderms

The carp he called out
To that elephant show
"Get your assess in gear,
Cuz' dis place gonna blow."

Dem' elephants started burrowin',
he called them by name:
"On Stumpy, On Gimpy,
On Limpy and Lame;

Now Burny and Other Limpy
Now Crippled and Smelly;
On Crawler, On Mauler,
On Napalmy Gelly."

The carp stopped and dropped
One more bomb, and he laffed
Then he flushed his whole team
Down the dark, dirty shaft."

And I heard him exclaim,
As they sloshed down the pit,
"Get the Hell out of here
Before it all blows to sh!t."

Happy Holidays - A Retrospective

LBok's threat to re-post his careful comparison of The Grinch to The Hulk (Note: They share the first name "The") got me to thinking. The holidays are indeed a time to reflect upon bygone days. Contrary to popular opinion, one should not "let bygones be bygones." Rather, embrace bygones. "Let bygones be buypresents." And so we recall some of the warm memories of past FU postings which provided warm buying opportunities.
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We all fondly remember Coco's famous post heralding the return of Christmas which spawned the concept of the Munitions Day Carp. The Carp, of course, was later memorialized in the famous poem/song Old Saint Carp is In Da House. The Rupture Carp is now virtually synonymous with Munitions Day in the public mind's eye.

The previous year, the FU celebrated the holidays by, well, I guess we didn't celebrate, really, because we were in the midst of the end of the universe. Those were scary times, but I am glad that we were there for you. And before that, we had the entirety of nothingness.

It certainly is a rich historical tapestry when viewed from today's perspective. One never could have imagined just how much the First Unichurck would grow from those humble beginnings. And the universe is still here, so that is probably for the better. Just to be safe, remember to buy.

Only 65 shopping days until Munitions Eve

With Munitions Day fast approaching, shoppers are scrambling to find just the right explosive for their friends and loved ones. There are now just 65 days, 16 hours until the crack of Midnight on Munitions Eve - when the gunpowder will have been laid by the fireplace with care, and the grenades will have been carefully strung by their pins on a dynamite fuse tied oh so carefully into a bow.

You can just hear the squeals from the children when they crawl from under their beds and go scampering into the basement to see what Rupture Carp has brought them. Look, an unexploded bunker-buster! A shrapnel tattoo for Timmy! And a sun-roof in the house for mom and dad! (Due to time zone differences, Munitions Day arrives earlier in Iraq).

Now, praise Rusty and pass the ammunition!

Just Another Manic Maundy

As you may know, Maundy Thursday is the Thursday before Easter. It is significant in Christian mythology because it represents the day on which the Last Supper is said to have occurred. The Last Supper is a famous fresco painting in Milan. If you have read The DaVinci Code, which I have not, you are able to deduce something important from the painting. I am not. And so, we celebrate.

There are countless acceptable options for Manic Maundy celebrations.

1. Progressive Last Supper - Each couple hosts for 20 minutes a meal which moves between 6 households. This works best with people who live in the same State and is an entertaining way to have dinner with all of the crucifixin's.
2. Euchre-wrist tournament - Set up tables of 4 for a "winner takes all, loser wears a crown of thorns" tournament. Teams alternate between playing euchre and arm wrestling in a round-robin fashion until there is a clear winner and a clear loser. Then, the fun begins.
3. Blood-of-savior belly shots. Drink your favorite fortified wine from the navels of other guests.
4. Stone Judas. This one is probably self-explanatory. In light of the Gospel of Judas, released last week by National Geographic, "Stone Barnabas" can be substituted for "Stone Judas."
5. Save passover lambs. Friends and family gather to protest the senseless and ongoing slaughter of the noble, humble and peaceful sheep. Use creative protest signs with slogans such as, "Why not kill the stupid goat?" and "Yeah, get the goat."

Feel free to leave personal stories about how your family celebrates Manic Maundy.

• Like Tiger Woods, we would like to take this opportunity to apologize for using the term "manic." We mean no disrepect to manics, maniacs, or other crazies. They deserve our respect just like normal people, and, when properly medicated, they can be very pleasant.