Following an all-night session of tense negotiations, the First Unichuck has announced a historic settlement with alleged victims of alleged clergy alleged abuse. Expected to result in the largest such settlement since the Boston Catholic boy-raping thing, the FU settlement involves more than 500 alleged victims. Attorneys for the sheep as well as attorneys for the FU and FU leader OneEar announced the deal after a sleepless night of negotiations. According to the sheep's attorneys, "the victims appear satisfied with the settlement. None of them objected to the arrangement or to our rather sizeable attorney fee. They just ate some hay."
FU leader OneEar offered his condolences. "First, I would like to offer my sincerest, deepest, and hardest apologies to the sheep and their families, and I would like to reassure them and the general public that this should not happen again. The FU will do whatever to ensure that elders do not have inappropriate relations with non-consenting minor sheep." OneEar claims to have obtained a deep empathy for the victims and their families following extensive, private one-on-one meetings. "I really cannot overemphasize the need for more of these one-on-one meetings," claimed Ear.
Asked why the negotiations needed to occur during an all-night session, Ear responded, "Many important decisions, such as whether a nation should withdraw its fighting force from a foreign civil war, can be made only with the clear thinking achieved through the lack of sleep. Plus, we told some ghost stories."
The only official site of The First Unification Church of Kooking (fka the First Unification Church of Knowledge)(aka 1st Unichurck) and its house band, the Clown Squad (Affiliated with the community service organization The Underminers' Society of America). --THIS BLOG IS FOR RELIGIOUS, SCIENTIFIC AND EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY--(Not tested on animals)
3 comments:
Hi OneEar,
PETA and sheep around the world offer you heart felt thanks for this marvelous post! You’ve addressed the ovines concerns head on; perhaps now they’ll be able to sleep in their pastures peacefully. Baaa!
Do you think you ought to remove the pickle from your picture to assure the sheep that you mean business?
ML,
Consider the pickle removed. I've never been much of a PETA supporter. I'm all for the ethical treatment of animals, but my ethics involve eating them.
Hi OneEar,
The pickle adds a splash of color to your avatar. I wonder if they go well with baked lamb or if mint sauce is still de rigueur? Most PETA supporters tend to be whacko’s and overly zealous…although vegetarianism has it’s merits.
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