Rustianity Welcomes Constructive Criticism

Rustianity in general and the First Unichurck in particular have come under criticism as of late for missing a few of the key elements of a mass religion.

"Sure, you have a bulletin, a website, some very fashionable clothing items, and an omnipotent God," say the detractors. "But you don't have a creation myth, a heaven myth, or the threat of mercilessly torturing all followers of other religions for all eternity."

God has asked me to relay the information that such detractors will be mercilessly tortured for all eternity. Hopefully that solves those problems, and we look forward to working with those of you who do not wish to be mercilessly tortured for all eternity.

In the name of Rusty,

Ahem.

Best Religion Known to Man or Beast

P. Daugel Boone, award winning author of the seminal guide "How To Give Yourself Awards For Your Writing" has just awarded oneear.blogspot.com with the prestigious award "Best Fantasy Website!"

Let us all take a moment to pat me on the back. It is an honor, well, deserved.

Who Really Cares

I don't really read books anymore. However, I just watched a 20/20 show where John Stossel, the curly-headed mustachioed fellow who is always whining in favor of political incorrectness, discussed a book called Who Really Cares by Syracuse U prof Arthur Brooks. Brooks surveyed 10s of thousands of Americans to determine who donates what in America.

Brooks data shows that, in America, self-described conservatives give more to charities than liberals by about 30% despite making, on average, less money per family. Conservatives are 18% more likely to donate blood as well.

Do rich people give more? No, as a percentage of income, the working poor is the most generous group of people. The middle class (us) are the lowest givers. What is the biggest predictor of giving to charity? Whether the person is religious. Did you hear that doubters? Join the First Unichurck.

Lessons to be learned? 1) John Stossel is a whiner. 2) Liberals are generous in theory. 3) The First Unichurck is the solution to almost all of your problems.

Disclaimer: The First Unichurck is not actually the solution to almost all of your problems. We cannot correct erectile dysfunction, cheesy discharge, cartoon fungus characters, diureur, stupidity, consumerism, or bleeding from the anus (though we can apply salves).

Exciting New Product

Too many t-shirts? Well, what if you got pregant? The new Snotty & Spoogy "Rains of Power" maternity shirt is perfect for almost any occasion. It is so comfortable, it would even be perfect for a golf outing.

http://www.cafepress.com/oneear

To Make a Point

As many of you know, I used to be quite an artist. My specialty was always one-dimensional renderings, and, as of late, I've gotten inspired to create some new and interesting works.



I call this one "Pile of Money Vanished?"



This one is called "It's Raining Weapons But You Can't See Them Because You're Blind"



And "Point of Order"

I'm working on a new piece at the moment which has the working title "Untitled 44." I expect to be finished sometime in the fall of '08.

Ron Paul Inflexible

Correction: The FU previously incorrectly published information indicating that Presidential Candidate H. Ron Paul was reknowned for his ability to fellate himself. We retract this statement and apologize for any confusion. We have it on good authority that he is physically unable to complete this feat. Apparently whoever he fellated, it was not himself. Perhaps it was another candidate.

Regardless, the FU is considering supporting Ron despite his shortcomings. Texan H. Ron Paul and his running mate, The Crazy Admiral, are burning up the internets with their Presidential campaign, and the First Unichurck wants to jump into the flames early. To provide logistical support for this campaign, we will be splitting up the congregation into 4 teams, each to be assigned to one of the 4 segments of the internets - A)self-help-seeking/personal obsession sites; B)pornography; C)amateur author/musician/filmmaker sites; and D) pornography.

In order to help out Ron, we will need to determine the following:

1- When is this so-called election and how does one submit his/her/transgender's choice?
2- Who are the other candidates and do they rape babies and/or kittens?
3- Given the obvious connection with L.Ron, would TomKat, Vinnie Barbarino, and KirstieKreme Ally line up for some support? It never hurts to ask (unless the answerer punches you in the face or seizes your bank account).
4 - How else can we harness the fanatics and conspiracy-theorists?

Now, the only problem I see is that Ron is a Texan. Every southern president since Eisenhower turned out to be either incompetent or a jackass. To wit:

Lyndon B. Johnson - Texan - Jackass
Jimmy Carter - Georgian - Incompetent
George HW Bush - Texan - Incompetent
Billary Clinton - Arkansan - Jackass
Geo. Bush - Texan - Incompetent Jackass

L.Ron is virtually guaranteed to be either incompetent or a jackass. I guess we need to determine which before we really put the full thrust of the FU support behind him.

4 Mo Years

Perhaps the FU should withdraw its support from L.Ron Paul and instead attach it to Geo. Bush. Only he appears to embrace the Colyp School of Financial Money which relies upon an intricate system of credit card cash advances.

According to the Treasury Department, from 1776-2000, the first 224 years
of U.S. history, 42 U.S. presidents borrowed a combined $1.01 trillion from
foreign governments and financial institutions, but in the past four years
alone, the Bush administration borrowed $1.05 trillion.
http://www.cnsnews.com/ViewNation.asp?Page=%5CNation%5Carchive%5C200511/NAT20051104b.html

All that I can tell my kids is, "You're welcome."

BTW - Note that the above reference was from 2005!?!

Long Live The King

Check out this news story about an episode just before Elvis' "death" when he chased away some muggers. You must watch the video reinactment.

http://www.nbc15.com/home/headlines/9204162.html

FU Supports Ron Paul

In an uncharacteristically partisan move, the First Unichurck is announcing its early support for Ron Paul as our next President of these United States.

I believe that Ron is the seasoned actor who once bore the nickname "The Hedgehog." During his film career, he demonstrated the capacity for "autofellatio," and it is expected that this skill will serve him well as leader of the Republican Party. It is hoped that Ron will restore some of the dignity to the White House that has been tragically absent since the exit of Tricky Dick.

Trouble

What does that mean exactly "Trouble"? What would happen if you got into "Trouble"?

Today we had our department picnic. When this event was first proposed at one of our department meetings, I had visions of a late afternoon affair with plenty of alcohol and good music and a relaxed atmosphere that might result in some wiling away of the early evening, chatting and playing backyard games. Maybe even a few of the women would change into cutoffs and perhaps there would be a little cleavage here and there.

Unfortunately, reality came no where close to matching my depraved sense of what should be. Reality consisted of 49 sober people sitting in the hot humid air eating burgers and checking their watches. 12:00 to 1:30--this was the official allotted time for our "picnic" I've taken lunches longer than 12:00 to1:30!!!! Who are these people that I work with? Why can't they get into a little trouble?

Thank God someone brought beer (ME!) and there was a handful of us who imbibed and tried to make it into a picnic. However at one point several of us wandered off no more than 25 feet from the main group to play that Baggo game and be merry. Upon concluding our game we turned back to the main group only to discover that they had all departed. Every last one of them had left and gone back to work! There was a handful of us who stayed and finished the beer but even they were worried about getting into trouble.

I encourage all of you to go out today and get into a little trouble.

Praise Rusty's Occity Network

The First United Church of Knowledge has teamed up with Rusty Enterprises Co. Inc. Ltd LLC, a very, very limited liability company and a faith-based initiative (RUE on the Newark Stock Exchanger) to launch the new web-based television network praising Rusty and all of his occity - Praise Rusty's Occity Network (PRON Tv).

Initial offerings from PRON Tv will include:

LonelyLamb16- Exploring the teen-aged years of Rusty's life, and told by those who knew him best, LonelySheep 16 is very, very loosely based upon the testaments of his high-school gym teacher, his former neighbor, and the guy that used to sell him cigarettes.

The Glory Hole- Rustians have long been affiliated with the social and philanthropical organization The Underminers. The Glory Hole series will dig into the history of the Underminers. We'll see how their tunnels, shafts, and other types of holes reflect the glory of the universe in which we're living and its creator, a humble, one-eared, slightly incompetent sheep called Rusty. You are guaranteed to be blown away.

Wiffey's World - Wiffey has been a controversial figure since the founding of Rustianity. Some believed she was the only true disciple while others thought she was a harlot. We'll find out.

Rusty, King of the Ewes- Delving into the histo-religio-backdroppings of the Churck, this histo-religio-drama explores how a humble, one-eared, slightly incompetent sheep could arise from the stables to become, in the eyes of many, king of the ewes.

Lisboan Dwarves- Based upon parables from the Second Book of Rugmunchians, this show is set it Portugal and will recount visions delivered unto Rusty's disciples while in Lisbon.

Suck on this, Pluto-lovers

"Scientists" have discovered TRESS-4, a planet which is 1.7 times larger than Jupiter. Kind of makes you feel inadequate, doesn't it Pluto?

Note that TRESS-4 is described as a "Fluffy" planet. So, stay the hell off!

Pron Pron Pron!!!

The First Unichurck proudly announces the proud launching of the new Praise Rusty's Occity Network. Now, whenever anyone enters "pron" into his/her/transgender's webbrowser, he/she/transgender should arrive directly at the site he/she/transgender wanted - the site dedicated to the Lord Rusty and all of his occitiness.

We'll even be launching new PRON t-shirts including sizes X, XX, and XXX.

Stay tuned pron-lovers.

Dicking Around Update!

If you are reading this, you are too close. As suspected, the amount of time Americans spend dicking around has reached epidemic proportions. According to a survey by Salary.com, the "average" American worker spends almost 2 hours per workday dicking around. This prompts one to wonder, "What is Salary.com's statistical methodology?"

The Bureau of Labor Statistics of the US Guvmint reports "an average weekday for persons employed full time and who worked on that day included 9.3 hours working, 7.6 hours sleeping, 3.0 hours doing leisure and sports activities, and 0.9 hour doing household activities. The remaining 3.2 hours were spent in other activities, such as those described above. (These estimates include related travel time.)" Note, there is no mention of dicking around by the BLS!?!

Now, who are you going to believe, a dot.com jobsite or The Guvmint? The proof is in the reading. You are, de facto, dicking around. We must go with the internets on this one.