Catcher in the Wry

Prosecutor kills himself and NBC gets sued.

REPUBLISHED FROM 6/2/06
My plan is to create an elaborate trap designed to catch Stoned Phillips or some other TV investigative journalist by posing as a sexual predatee.

You may have witnessed one of the hundreds of special reports whereby a network talking head teams up with a crack team of young, sexually questionable kids to pretend to be even younger, sexually precocious kids on MySpace. Once the crack team encounters a sick f^ck intent upon preying on a youngster, the crack team lures the sick f^ck to a house filled with hidden cameras. After the sick f^ck enters (and occassionally drops his pants), the talking head emerges and berates the sick f^ck for being a sick f^ck.

Now I agree that this makes for great entertainment. What sort of perverted moron wouldn't want to watch a perverted moron questioning a perverted moron? Plus, pedophiles rank below Nazis and attorneys on the scale of public sentiment, so it is very gratifying to watch them squirm.

I am just afraid that, eventually, the public may tire of these shows. Thinking ahead, after this trend has run its course, (but before the pay-per-view telecasts of public executions), I foresee a time when we will be at a loss for good, quality television. And so, back to my concept.

I will get a child to pose to be a pedophile posing to be a child on MySpace. Once the crack team sets to work, Stoned will lure the "pedophile" back to his photo-lair. When the child drives up in his miniature car, he will park far away so that, without perspective, Stoned won't realize the dimunitive size of his prey.

The child will walk toward the house on stilts smoking a cigarette and complaining about his bunions. He will shake his fist in rage at the sky and mumble something about Part D and "the way things used to be." Then, he will sit down and feed the pigeons (or squirrels).

Once he runs out of pigeon (or squirrel) food, his head will droop forward as he drifts off to nap. Eventually, he will awaken, pull some crumpled papers out of his pocket, read through a few, and then look abruptly toward the house as though he has just remembered the purpose of his visit. Rising again atop his stilts, he will resume his amble toward the house.

Meanwhile, inside, Stoned will have worked himself into a journalistic froth. Like a stallion at the dog track, Stoned will be pacing, snorting and fuming and barely able to bridle his impulse for unrestrained journalism.

Once the child arrives at the door, the child will refuse to open it until the child tells the child what the child will do to the child. Once the child tells the child what the child will do to the child, the child will pull from his trenchcoat a shotgun and shoot the child through the door. Don't worry, the child can't be prosecuted because the child is a minor.

Victims & Churck Elders Reach Historic Settlement

Following an all-night session of tense negotiations, the First Unichuck has announced a historic settlement with alleged victims of alleged clergy alleged abuse. Expected to result in the largest such settlement since the Boston Catholic boy-raping thing, the FU settlement involves more than 500 alleged victims. Attorneys for the sheep as well as attorneys for the FU and FU leader OneEar announced the deal after a sleepless night of negotiations. According to the sheep's attorneys, "the victims appear satisfied with the settlement. None of them objected to the arrangement or to our rather sizeable attorney fee. They just ate some hay."

FU leader OneEar offered his condolences. "First, I would like to offer my sincerest, deepest, and hardest apologies to the sheep and their families, and I would like to reassure them and the general public that this should not happen again. The FU will do whatever to ensure that elders do not have inappropriate relations with non-consenting minor sheep." OneEar claims to have obtained a deep empathy for the victims and their families following extensive, private one-on-one meetings. "I really cannot overemphasize the need for more of these one-on-one meetings," claimed Ear.

Asked why the negotiations needed to occur during an all-night session, Ear responded, "Many important decisions, such as whether a nation should withdraw its fighting force from a foreign civil war, can be made only with the clear thinking achieved through the lack of sleep. Plus, we told some ghost stories."

Allies Celebrate BJ day!

They said it couldn't be done, but we did it! We've managed to blow $400,000,000,000.00 in Iraq! I say "Don't stop now, we've got this GDP on the ropes."

To grasp the magnitude of our accomplishment, review some of the comparisons provided by the National Priorities Project. They indicate that this sum of money is sufficient to buy 7 Million teachers. But consider the size of the teachers' lounge you would need. Hello? Doesn't anybody think any more? We really need to do something about the educational system if you don't see the problem here.

These spend-thrift do-gooders also claim that $400B would pay for 20 million 4 year college scholarships. Screw that, I'm done with college. I want my money to go where it will do some good - to some politically connected contractors in some god-forsaken shithole.

I say we set our sights higher - $1,000,000,000,000.00. It will be like Jason and the Argonuts bringing home the Golden Fleece! And we will reap our just reward.

Thanks Al

Just when you think this internet that Al Gore invented is filled with nothing but tripe, you run across The World's #1 Sheep Sex and Dating Personals Site.

What other evidence do you need to prove that there is a Rusty?

Rusty 007

Predictions for Rusty 007

1) B&S will miss his flight and end up leaving before he arrives.
2) Coco will not find his camera but will lose a shoe.
3) The throbbing vein on the front on Alceste's temple will finally burst, but LBok will not remedy the situation because he will be too bizzy telling some random floozy about how much money he makes. Duck tape will be applied.
4) LBok will get laid, but not in the way he had hoped.
5)OneEar's solo performance of "Put a dollar in my cup and help me up" will bring tears to the eyes of everyone who knows him.
6) Unexpected people are expected. Will it be Sparky? Miss Litzi? Mom? Joe the Lucky Clown's Head? Sven? Meg the Liar? Harry the Monster? Tune in to find out.


BTW - Sorry I had to switch to the new blogger because the old one wouldn't let me in anymore. It is the same reason why I go to the new bar and the new dentist.

BTWW - My apologies to any Amish blog-readers. I didn't mean to offend you with my post a few days ago, and I know that you don't all have sexual intercourse with sheep. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Please go back about your business regardless of whether it involves sheep and sex. I guess that should apply to the non-Amish, too. Everybody go back about your business whether or not you are screwing sheep.

Old Order Amish and FU Team Up on Gay Sheep Problem

Elders from Old Order Amish communities and the First Unichurck have been holding a series of high level summits to address the growing problem of gay sheep. OneEar, on FU's behalf, reports that the meetings have been very enjoyable.

"This matter came to my attention after a gentleman from Minnesota alerted me to the fact that, as far as 20% of the rams are concerned, rams are just as nice to screw as ewes. This got me to thinking. Apparently the Amish had been thinking the same thing, and so we hit it off. And they've got the sheep."

One unintended consequence of this unlikely union is that many of the younger Amish, known as Reformed Neo-Old Order Amish, have been exposed for the first time to "modern" FU traditions. Nezkariah, a 20 something ReNOA follower who now goes by the moniker Nee-Z, explained some of the FU attraction. "In my humble opinion, the most appealing attributes of their belief system include f^cking some hos and bling bling." Nee-Z further expounded, "rumspringa my ass, I gots ta get bizzy! And I don't roll in no buggy neither. F^ck that shizzle"

OneEar believes that it may be premature to slaughter and eat all of the gay sheep. "The elders and I agree that there is some serious leg-work to be done on this issue, and it may be years before we really know the answer. Can we really say that all rams are equally enjoyable to service as all ewes? Not yet we can't. Now, could somebody please get Nezkariah out of my porn collection?"

Check Please

As soon as we reach the $400,000,000,000.00 milestone in the war on fear of Iraq, I would like to pay my tab and cash out. There are 110M households in the US, so I figure if I throw in $4,000, that should cover my family's share to date plus a tip. By paying off the principal now, I hope to avoid further interest, penalties and dead people.

Granted, if I hadn't spent my money killing people in Iraq, I probably would have blown it on beer, cigars, and my kids' college fund. So, I'm really not all the farther behind, aside from the rotting corpses of parents and children and the world-wide animosity. Still, I really don't feel like paying any more.

People keep telling me that Iraq will evolve into a civil war without US occupation. I continue to wish Iraq the best in pursuing that endeavor. I just don't feel like paying any more.

People keep reminding me that the US was attacked on 9-11 and that the world is different now. True, so how about this for logic. Since the US was attacked and since the world is different, how about letting me keep my money. Perhaps I'll buy some duct tape. I'd even consider buying stock in Exxon-Mobil and Archer-Daniels if that is what you really want.

If we need a kill'em-dead foreign policy, then let's just leave it at that. We can blow people up in fairly short order. If they don't rebuild to our specifications, then we can blow them up again. That would be much cheaper and more straightforward than this "nation-building" nonsense. As it stands, I've spent $4,000 on a $800 job, and they're still messing around. I don't feel like paying any more.

Two Balloons in the Wind

Those Were the Days

I remember back when I was employed, there was this time when my boss was lecturing me about some stupid thing or another, and he said unto me, and I quote, “think outside the box.”

“Think outside the box,” I thought to myself. “I didn’t even know there was a g0d@mned box.” “He dictates idiotic memos about every other piece of feces excreted by his brain, why didn’t he send me the f^ck!ng `box’ memo?”

Fearing the reception such comments might receive, I opted to mutter, “Yus, Mastah, outside the box, Mastah.” Apparently, this was not the response Mastah hoped to receive, either. And so we agreed that he would keep his company and I would keep mine.

I have heard “think outside the box” stated several times since, and I still have no idea what it means. Is there some box that I’m not aware of? Where is this f^ck!ng box?

Of course, now that I’m an employer, I’ve come full circle. When the staff is lined up for morning inspection, part of my daily diatribe includes a directive for them to “think outside the box.” Then, I watch their eyes in hopes that they will glance toward the box and reveal its location. When they don’t, I storm off in a huff muttering, “Don’t you dare call me Mastah, inside-the-box thinkers!”

Smell Ya Later

I'm quitting the band. Last night I went to the jam, you know, the one across the street. As usual, I ended up playing the bass because, as usual, I was the worst guitar player in the room.

Nonetheless, I have a good time when I go, and they always give me free beer which is one of my favorite brands. They have a "table tapper" which holds 110 oz and includes a frozen dildo-looking thing that keeps it cold. But, I digress.

I'm quitting the band. Last night, there was a female singer who showed up, and I am going to make her a *Star*. Her name was something, she is in her 20s, and she has an exotic accent. When I asked her from where she is, she said several words which led me to conclude that she is probably from Poland or East Germany. After concluding that it really doesn't matter, I elected not to pursue the subject.

Forget about her nationality, you've got to hear her chops. When she got up on stage, she asked the guys if they could play several songs. I think I understood the words she was saying, but none of them sounded like songs of which I had heard. Eventually, consensus arrived at "Highway to Hell." I probably haven't listed to AC/DC since 10th grade, but I have to say that the song does rock. And the eastern girl TORE IT UP! She proceeded to sing 3 or 4 songs that nobody knew, but somehow she carried it. It sounded - -- good.

This is when the lightbulb shattered in my brain. Epiphany. A band should have a singer.