The Few, The Proud

Today's lesson in religiosity, again suckled from the bountiful bosom of ExposingSatan.org, explores the unfortunate fact that very few of you properly understand the dictates of the supreme spirit. One might expect an omniscient being to be a little bit better at getting his/her/transgender's point across, but such is life.

As the Sataneers correctly note (under the strangely titled section, Are We Hateful? ):

It is a sad fact that we are now in the great apostasy, which God warned us about several thousands of years ago. We are not only in the great apostasy, but we are seeing events unfold on the world stage which are bringing us ever closer to the end of these last day...

It makes us weep to watch the growing deception, to cry out against it, and to be heeded by so few and opposed by so many. Why is that essential correction which Scripture so clearly demands left to a few of us nobodies and shunned by church leaders who would be heeded by millions?

I don't necessarily agree that it is sad that we live during the great apostasy. Where else would you rather be in time? If you have to live a temporal existence, wouldn't you choose to do it during the grand finale? "Big finish," Rusty always says.

But the Sataneers do pose a good question. Why are there so few of us who correctly see through the grand deception? Why doesn't everybody else wake up?

This reminds me, shouldn't the FU adopt a foil for Rusty - some sort of anti-sheep? I'm not really sure how we could explain his/her/transgender's existence, what with Rusty being omnipotent. But a fallen angel really seems to add something to the whole picture. Maybe we could just say something vague about "free will" or "original sin."

Ron Paul Inflexible

Correction: The FU previously incorrectly published information indicating that Presidential Candidate H. Ron Paul was reknowned for his ability to fellate himself. We retract this statement and apologize for any confusion. We have it on good authority that he is physically unable to complete this feat. Apparently whoever he fellated, it was not himself. Perhaps it was another candidate.

Regardless, the FU is considering supporting Ron despite his shortcomings. Texan H. Ron Paul and his running mate, The Crazy Admiral, are burning up the internets with their Presidential campaign, and the First Unichurck wants to jump into the flames early. To provide logistical support for this campaign, we will be splitting up the congregation into 4 teams, each to be assigned to one of the 4 segments of the internets - A)self-help-seeking/personal obsession sites; B)pornography; C)amateur author/musician/filmmaker sites; and D) pornography.

In order to help out Ron, we will need to determine the following:

1- When is this so-called election and how does one submit his/her/transgender's choice?
2- Who are the other candidates and do they rape babies and/or kittens?
3- Given the obvious connection with L.Ron, would TomKat, Vinnie Barbarino, and KirstieKreme Ally line up for some support? It never hurts to ask (unless the answerer punches you in the face or seizes your bank account).
4 - How else can we harness the fanatics and conspiracy-theorists?

Now, the only problem I see is that Ron is a Texan. Every southern president since Eisenhower turned out to be either incompetent or a jackass. To wit:

Lyndon B. Johnson - Texan - Jackass
Jimmy Carter - Georgian - Incompetent
George HW Bush - Texan - Incompetent
Billary Clinton - Arkansan - Jackass
Geo. Bush - Texan - Incompetent Jackass

L.Ron is virtually guaranteed to be either incompetent or a jackass. I guess we need to determine which before we really put the full thrust of the FU support behind him.

Fly Me to the Moon

It has been a year or so since I've had the occasion to fly anywhere, so I'm not up on the latest in airport security protocols. Since I will be flying down to Rusty '07 in a few weeks, I thought it was time to brush up on the do's and don'ts of air travel these days. Can anyone clarify a few points for me:

• Is it now acceptable to wear shoes? Socks? Pants?
• I understand that all liquids now must be contained in clear (ziplock-type) baggies. Does this apply to personal lubricant? Should you bring extra bags for urine? Can you mix toothpaste, cologne, triple antibiotic and fungal cream in the same bag?
• Is it still ok to bring a 5 Liter bag of wine (after removing the box) to drink in-flight?
• For how long prior to flying must you avoid clipping your nails?
• For how long prior to flying must you avoid voiding?
• Is our current national danger level color Unbelievably Dangerous or Unfathomably Dangerous? Are you supposed to be in a state of panic during the entire flight or only during boarding?
• Can you still sing show tunes during the tail end of the flight (after the wine is getting low)?
• When are you supposed to turn off cell phones? laptops? pace-makers? radial saws?
• Which guy is the Air-Marshall? Is it the guy with the big hat, shiny spurs, and the badge?
• Can you carry on your own handcuffs? gimp suit? gimp?
• Do they still ban fruit and drugs? Even on afternoon flights?
• Do they still discourage passengers from carrying on a crate full of hundreds of pieces of electronic paraphenalia ostensibly used for musical purposes but without any way of proving it because it is all inextricably tangled and the batteries are all dead and there is no amp to plug it all into anyway?

These are a few things I need to know.

Too Many Inappropriate Commercials Blues

I’ve got vaginal itching,
And little critters on my toes.
I’ve got vaginal itching,
And little critters on my toes.
I’ve got flames on my hemmroids
A pus filled pimple on my nose.

I’ve got a mutant rodent
I’m sucking on this wolfie’s teet
I’ve got a mutant rodent
I’m sucking on this wolfie’s teet
I just filled up my depends
And still got fungus on my feet.

Baby, burn my boob box
I can’t watch the nightly news
Oh, baby, burn my boob box
I can’t watch the nightly news
I’ve got the “can’t bear to watch,
Too many inappropriate commercials” blues

Can you hear me now?
Great.
Can you hear me now?
Great.
Can you hear me now?
It's time we discussed tampons.
Beep beep, here comes the little red Jeep.

I’ve got erectile dysfunction
And my hair is falling out.
I’ve got erectile dysfunction
And my hair is falling out.
I’ve got too much leaky discharge,
It stains, I wish I could shout it out.

Baby, burn my boob box
I can’t watch the nightly news
Oh, baby, burn my boob box
I can’t watch the nightly news
I’ve got the “can’t bear to watch,
Too many inappropriate commercials” blues.

Good Old Precious

The recent cold snap here in the Midwest is causing me to rethink my decision to place the poles of redemption outdoors. Several of the FU Dancers are now stuck in compromising positions, and their complaints are becoming quite shrill.

I had read, in several of the leading treatises on the subject, that first time strippers should avoid the pole. However, I didn't realize that there was any danger of the shall we say "moist tissues" becoming affixed to the frozen pole. My bad.

I recall a similar scene in the movie The Christmas Story. So, this got me to thinking. Perhaps we should leave them out there through the holiday season. It will be kind of a Munitions Day manger scene type thing.

Pole Position

I was feeling a little sorry for myself over the holidays. Sorry to be profane, but I got to the point where I had to say, "Froach this mubil-harfing sterk!" I've been giving my froaching heart and soul to try to grow this mubil-sterking Churck. I've formed companies, I've formed governments, and yet, the FU is just not growing as fast as other religions.

Christianity adds 46 million per year, Islam adds 29 million per year, and here we are with a lousy 6 or so members. Even Jesus had 13 disciples. Come on people.

Ms. Litzi's proposal to screen XXX movies got me to thinking. (I assume she was being fascetious as it is obviously inappropriate to show XXX movies at a religious institution).

Announcing the FU Dancers and the pole of redemption. I found a source where we can order the pole. Selling home poles for "the hottest health & fitness craze to sweep the nation in years," Lil'Mynx seems like just the kind of resource we need to bring this fantasy home.

I also located a blog By Strippers For Strippers which has a veritable plethora of gamps. Many of them sound like just the kind of people we need to ride our poles. We will have them perform to Solomon's Song. It will be a BYOB kind of deal with $12.00 Pepsis. You know the drill.

And as fast as that, it was over