Old Saint Carp Is In Da House

Twas the night before Munitions Day
N' all through ma crib
All ma peeps wuz down sleepin'
I was bonin' Adam's rib

Yah, ma peeps wuz down dreamin'
Bout the sh!t they be eatin'
But the Missuz and I wuz
A havin' a board meetin'

When down in da hole
They arose such a noize
I said, "Damn racket packet,
Dat must be ma boyzzzz."

So I pulled up ma trousers
Ta go check on ma homies
N' I cocked up ma uzi
Just in case of the gnomies

When what to my bloodshotted
Eyes should I see
But a big colored fish
N' he was looking at me.

He was giant N' ugly
N' smelled somethin' terrible
N' he laffed when he saw me
N' his breaf was unbearable

Had to choke back da vomit
Creepin' up in ma troat
When he suddenly gave birth
To a large candied goat

The goat was encased
In a gelatin sack
And it squirmed and it jiggled
Like ma neighbor on crack.

Then the fish layed some sacks
Of munitions and bombs,
Gelatiny dynamite
N' bags of napalm.

Well, I'd had me enough
Soon my uzi was purrin'
But da carp, he just laffed
N' pissed gasoline urine.

Then out of the cellar
Like giant earth worms
Came a slimy skateboard
Pulled by mini-pachyderms

The carp he called out
To that elephant show
"Get your assess in gear,
Cuz' dis place gonna blow."

Dem' elephants started burrowin',
he called them by name:
"On Stumpy, On Gimpy,
On Limpy and Lame;

Now Burny and Other Limpy
Now Crippled and Smelly;
On Crawler, On Mauler,
On Napalmy Gelly."

The carp stopped and dropped
One more bomb, and he laffed
Then he flushed his whole team
Down the dark, dirty shaft."

And I heard him exclaim,
As they sloshed down the pit,
"Get the Hell out of here
Before it all blows to sh!t."

Wiser Than Randall G. Leighton

I received an email with the following quotation at the end:

Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, and live like it's heaven on Earth.

It was attributed to "anon." A quick search reveals that this quote has been attributed to Randall G. Leighton, Mark Twain and Satchel Paige (three of America's greatest Presidents).

Regardless of the identity of the wisdomer who imparted this wisdom, there are a few obvious omissions:

Dress like you don't have a mirror
Watch like the TV is interesting
Write like anyone gives a shit
Drive like you won't see tomorrow
Stalk like the restraining order has been lifted
Screw like your friends are all watching
Speak like no one understands you, and
Spend like no one is hungry

Rupture Alert!!!

Heed this counsel. Prepare thineselves; for the brambles and the thickets are brambly and thickety. Doest whatsoever thou wouldst to doest whatsoever it is that thou doest, but doest it in a big hurry.

These signs thrice witnessed shall announce his coming:

First, the chosen One shall announce his coming.
Check. (See above).

Second, the internal combustion engine shall be further improved, from an air quality perspective anyway, by the addition of a catalytic converter mechanism in the exhaust system.
Check. (See 1974 or thereabouts).

Third, a commercially lucrative rock opera shall announce the final triumph of money over art. (See Rusty Sessions information below. Call now for tickets).