Thursday, March 06, 2008

Remainder of Nation Considers Returning Florida to Spain along with Angry, Unappreciative Note

As the State of Florida once again demonstrates its inability to participate in a competent fashion with United States elections, many have called for the State to be returned to its first European keepers, the Nation of Spain. An included nasty explanatory note has been recommended to be pinned to Florida's shirt. Barring this possibility, the descendants of Juan Ponce de Leon should be charged with responsibility of the blue-haired playground, according to proponents of what is being called the "Florida is Clearly Too Stupid to be Part of the United States--and That's Saying A Lot" movement.

Reasons put forth by supporters include:
1. Number of annual executions taking place in Florida exceeding annual birthrate, so it's going to be a wash soon anyhow
2. Number of "Chads" Hung in last election confused by residents with number 1, above
3. Whole stepford-wives creepiness of Disney/Orlando/Epcot phenomenon (have you ever visited the city for a meeting? Whoa.)
4. The abundance of iguanas, parrots and gators in neighborhoods refuse to work as household appliances like those seen on the Flintstone's.
5. "God's Waiting Room" now experiencing excessive wait times for celestial discharge due to ever-increasing advances in modern medicine, which in turn increases membership in AARP, forcing the rest of us to deal with Medicare and all of its problems.
6. Until recently, was Nation's number one source for malaria and cholera, which only served to strengthen the reputation of fruity states such as California that proudly boasted of "No Malaria Vacations"
7. Has some paranormal, voodoo-magnet for Haitians (some refer to this as "rule of law" or "stable economy where my whole family won't be killed on Tuesdays for no apparent reason")
8. Full of left-over, persnickety, fault-finding, finicky, fussy Cubans who have the gall to be upset that all of their worldly possessions were snatched away from them in a wink of an eye, and not one penny went toward the personal hygiene of the new dictator (That guy has worn the same freakin' outfit every day and hasn't shaved in like 50 years. Vomit. Eat THAT, Bill Clinton and your $200 Airforce 1 Haircut!), who then, randomly, turns around and gives the whole goddamned country to his brother Earl.
9. And the most compelling reason is the evident contagiousness of Florida's bumbling retardation as demonstrated by the State of Michigan's recent donning of a similar-colored Floridian dunce-cap.

Proponents plead to act fast before another state drops and we end up with a country that "looks like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone". So much for Manifest Destiny. Thanks a lot, you Michigan/Florida dopes.


litzi said...

Hi Doc Bok,
Your disgust with the State of Florida is absolutely justified. I had the misfortune to visit the Bradenton/Sarasota area on several occasions and nicknamed it “the crotch of creation”. The biggest drawback is the reptiles; it’s impossible to go outside and not see several of them leaping around. Ditto for mosquitoes; gnats; cockroaches; flies; sand fleas, etc.

The weather is unbearable. The humidity is often equal to the temperature most of the year.

And last is the excess of Senior Citizens…behind the wheel. It appears that no matter how old or infirm an individual is, he/she can obtain a Driver’s License. The highways and byways are crammed with geezers who have no business operating a motor vehicle.

Perhaps Cuba could annex Florida; Raúl Castro might enjoy some additional land to hold complete autocratic control over.

Doc Bok said...


Thanks for your support. I must contend, however, that I consider "crotches" generally pleasurable, at least to their owners. And usually those to whom temporary occupation has been granted.

Your idea about Cuba is intriguing; turn-about is fair play, no?

OneEar said...

LBOk, I think you owe an apology to people with mental retardation. It is inexcusable for you to compare them to Floridians.

I like the concept of circumcising the US of its Florida. Perhaps a Panama-like canal (moat) would effectively sever the Flor-skin.

litzi said...

I don’t think the general population in Florida are eejits; they’re merely long in the tooth. Old codgers who’ve been put out to pasture or left out in the sun too long.

litzi said...

Obeah, a term used in the West Indies to refer to folk magic, sorcery and religious practices is practiced in many Caribbean countries. It’s similar to Voodoo, rootwork and hoodoo. Perhaps Obeah has seized the minds of many Floridians, which would explain their inability to be a “Part of the United States”.

Colin said...

¡Viva España!

OneEar said...

Well hello, Colyp.

I thought you were a young girl from Minneapolis, but then I checked your blog, and I see that I was a mistake.

Doc Bok said...

how did you figure out that you were a mistake from Colyp's blog?