Thursday, March 06, 2008
Remainder of Nation Considers Returning Florida to Spain along with Angry, Unappreciative Note
As the State of Florida once again demonstrates its inability to participate in a competent fashion with United States elections, many have called for the State to be returned to its first European keepers, the Nation of Spain. An included nasty explanatory note has been recommended to be pinned to Florida's shirt. Barring this possibility, the descendants of Juan Ponce de Leon should be charged with responsibility of the blue-haired playground, according to proponents of what is being called the "Florida is Clearly Too Stupid to be Part of the United States--and That's Saying A Lot" movement.
Reasons put forth by supporters include:
1. Number of annual executions taking place in Florida exceeding annual birthrate, so it's going to be a wash soon anyhow
2. Number of "Chads" Hung in last election confused by residents with number 1, above
3. Whole stepford-wives creepiness of Disney/Orlando/Epcot phenomenon (have you ever visited the city for a meeting? Whoa.)
4. The abundance of iguanas, parrots and gators in neighborhoods refuse to work as household appliances like those seen on the Flintstone's.
5. "God's Waiting Room" now experiencing excessive wait times for celestial discharge due to ever-increasing advances in modern medicine, which in turn increases membership in AARP, forcing the rest of us to deal with Medicare and all of its problems.
6. Until recently, was Nation's number one source for malaria and cholera, which only served to strengthen the reputation of fruity states such as California that proudly boasted of "No Malaria Vacations"
7. Has some paranormal, voodoo-magnet for Haitians (some refer to this as "rule of law" or "stable economy where my whole family won't be killed on Tuesdays for no apparent reason")
8. Full of left-over, persnickety, fault-finding, finicky, fussy Cubans who have the gall to be upset that all of their worldly possessions were snatched away from them in a wink of an eye, and not one penny went toward the personal hygiene of the new dictator (That guy has worn the same freakin' outfit every day and hasn't shaved in like 50 years. Vomit. Eat THAT, Bill Clinton and your $200 Airforce 1 Haircut!), who then, randomly, turns around and gives the whole goddamned country to his brother Earl.
9. And the most compelling reason is the evident contagiousness of Florida's bumbling retardation as demonstrated by the State of Michigan's recent donning of a similar-colored Floridian dunce-cap.
Proponents plead to act fast before another state drops and we end up with a country that "looks like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone". So much for Manifest Destiny. Thanks a lot, you Michigan/Florida dopes.