I've become accustomed to the fact that nobody likes to correspond with me for very long. Not long into a dialogue, there is often an awkward pause which typically seems to occur after I have taken my turn. Then, watches will be examined, pens will be placed back into pockets, papers will be stacked and placed into portfolios, and hasty retreats will be beaten. I find this strange for two reasons: 1) I would think that I'd be no less interesting to communicate with than anyone else. In fact, I find myself very intriguing. 2) You might think I would be a better communicationist, particularly since my livelihood involves communicating (or attempting to communicate) with people. Some might think my propensity for alienation would be debilitating. However, it is hard to argue with successfulness.
Opponent: "So, for reasons x, y, and especially z, your client is not entitled to your unrealistic, unwarranted, and frankly ridiculous demands."
Me: " I really enjoy discussing this with you. But, I'm feeling that this would work much better by moonlight."
Opponent: "Er, to reiterate, we are awaiting a more reasonable counteroffer."
Me: "They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Some time ago, we got a baby goat named "Azalea" as a companion for our first goat, but then I accidentally killed the baby while vaccinating it. You might say I loved it to death, only my love was incompetent."
Opponent: "What does this have to do with anything. Please focus on the negotiations."
Me: "I cherish these moments together. Do you think our families would enjoy meeting?"
Opponent: "What? No!"
Me: "Azalea is buried in the back yard next to my dog Zeke. My neighbor still reminds me about this. It is near the property line."
Opponent: "Where should we send the check?"
Disclaimer: The above is not literally true, except for the part about me winning negotiations and accidentally killing our baby goat and burying it in the yard next to my dog Zeke. And the part about my neighbor. And the part about alienation.
The only official site of The First Unification Church of Kooking (fka the First Unification Church of Knowledge)(aka 1st Unichurck) and its house band, the Clown Squad (Affiliated with the community service organization The Underminers' Society of America). --THIS BLOG IS FOR RELIGIOUS, SCIENTIFIC AND EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY--(Not tested on animals)
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Velma Loses Her Glasses (Seis)
Where in the Hell were we? Oh yes, Portugal. We're en route to that infamous moment when Alceste loses his glasses on New Year's Eve 1991 in Espana, more specifically Madrid.
But why refer to Alceste as "Velma?" The Clown Squad has, at times, shown surprising similarities to Scooby-Doo and the gang. Due principally to my height but also because I do enjoy the occasional snack, I've been tagged Scooby Doo. Coco, with his gangly posture and unkempt appearance plays Shaggy, though he was not along on this adventure. LBok is obviously Scrappy-Doo. This is due not so much because he is an annoying dwarf but because most fans wish he had never been invented. Bundeskraut usually plays Fred, though I think that this was Colyp's role while in Spain.
But what of Daphne? Many, if not most, of our gang's adventures involve the search for a willing Daphne. We've had many participants over the years, most of whom have been less than satisfactory. Some, if not all, of our wives, girlfriends, girl-friends, girl-acquaintances and girl-strangers over the years have been asked, in so many words, to be Daphne. Many have declined, and the rest have failed.
Anyway, that leaves Velma. Alceste, like Velma, displays a certain "frumpiness." Though he lacks her analytical tendencies, he, like Velma, typically cuts quickly to the heart of a problem. Whereas Velma might deduce something like, "This dirt only could have come from the abandoned gypsum mine shaft where Mr. Thompson stored his armadillo-flipper," Alceste would be likely to say, "Stop tracking in dirt you fucking dickheads." Also, Alceste wears glasses and, as you will see, he has the same propensity as Velma for losing them.
-Got up early, went for breakfast beers and sandes-got tickets -checked out a Hermitage - got some groceries & a couple bottles wine to kill the time ->saw a yak - got the evil eye from the conductor - train.
-Got to Lisboa at night - met Alceste's friend at the station, had a cute Texan with her, ate with two airheads at a nice restaurant near the center -grilled swordfish - rushed to catch the train - sin alcohol - crowded car - met freak bros., banker from Brazil, other drunks in the dining car -> they gave us some rum - one pulled the emergency alarm and stopped the train - we went back to our cabin but too hot to sleep, I went back out, met Australians =two chicks and a dude, & Madrid guy ->shot shit for two hours, went back to sleep. (So, now we're on the return train from Lisbon to Madrid. We had gone out wandering in the dining car again and had encountered a new set of drinking friends. The "freak brothers" were a couple of soccer players who were far drunker than any of us. One of them stopped the train by pulling the emergency alarm, and this caused quite an ordeal. We all played "dumb" while the conductors tried to find the problem. We should have turned the idiot in because he ended up costing us about an hour sitting still in the stifling heat. He did have rum, though. I remember the Australians were very entertaining, though I don't recall why. Presumably, they laughed at my jokes.)
Madrid - beds filled with Germans - Al y yo finished and started bottle DYC, drank a bit w/ the Germans, 2 wines & chocolate. (So, now we're back in Madrid. When we got to our apartment, we discovered that our German room-mate Gunther had filled our beds with Germans. He had 3 or 4 friends visiting from Germany for the New Year's celebration, and Gunther must have figured we wouldn't mind if they made themselves at home. How presumptuous.)
Remember that our accomodations, though not properly described as "spartan," were yet quite minimal. My bedroom was a 4 foot x 9 foot former closet which was just barely big enough for a bed. Alceste had the largest bedroom, and he slept on a mattress/nest of clothing and blankets on the floor. I think Colyp was still sleeping on Alceste's floor at this time, but this was just about the time when John-the-gay-New-Yorker moved out and Colyp took over his room.
Gunther the German and we clowns maintained a certain detente through mutual respect, only without the respect. John-the-gay-New-Yorker, however, found us more difficult to stomach., and he had been fairly miserable since Alceste and I moved in. I don't recall what set him off first. Perhaps it was the bathtub full of dirty laundry soaking for days. We didn't have a washing machine and could not seem to find a laundromat, so we would just load our clothes into the tub to let them soak for awhile. We would just stand on top of the clothes to shower (kind of like making wine). Perhaps John-the-gay-New-Yorker did not enjoy wine-making. Perhaps what set him off was the fact that we seemed to always be losing and/or breaking all of the kitchen utensils and appliances. Though, to be fair, we did find a substantial amount of replacement stuff during our dumpster diving. John-the-gay-New-Yorker didn't seem to appreciate our recycling program either. Perhaps John-the-gay-New-Yorker most disliked the fact that we would stumble in at 3 or 4 or 5 am, drunk, singing, and hungry and sometimes accompanied by a group of random others. Whatever it was, John-the-gay-New-Yorker found it difficult to have us for housemates.
We knew we had a problem when, shortly after we had moved in, Alceste and I were sitting in his room drinking wine when John-the-gay-New-Yorker poked his head threw the doorway. "Uh, guys." he began cautiously, "Do you think we could set aside some time to schedule a meeting?" Gunther was standing behind John-the-gay-New-Yorker, obviously at his request. Alceste and I looked at one another with slight confusion.
"I'll have to check my appointments." I finally answered. But Alceste, as I've said, is more direct. "John, we're all right here, what the fuck do you want?" I don't remember which of John-the-gay-New-Yorker's complaints was his first, but, as you can see, in addition to his actual concern, there was also a clash of styles.
But why refer to Alceste as "Velma?" The Clown Squad has, at times, shown surprising similarities to Scooby-Doo and the gang. Due principally to my height but also because I do enjoy the occasional snack, I've been tagged Scooby Doo. Coco, with his gangly posture and unkempt appearance plays Shaggy, though he was not along on this adventure. LBok is obviously Scrappy-Doo. This is due not so much because he is an annoying dwarf but because most fans wish he had never been invented. Bundeskraut usually plays Fred, though I think that this was Colyp's role while in Spain.
But what of Daphne? Many, if not most, of our gang's adventures involve the search for a willing Daphne. We've had many participants over the years, most of whom have been less than satisfactory. Some, if not all, of our wives, girlfriends, girl-friends, girl-acquaintances and girl-strangers over the years have been asked, in so many words, to be Daphne. Many have declined, and the rest have failed.
Anyway, that leaves Velma. Alceste, like Velma, displays a certain "frumpiness." Though he lacks her analytical tendencies, he, like Velma, typically cuts quickly to the heart of a problem. Whereas Velma might deduce something like, "This dirt only could have come from the abandoned gypsum mine shaft where Mr. Thompson stored his armadillo-flipper," Alceste would be likely to say, "Stop tracking in dirt you fucking dickheads." Also, Alceste wears glasses and, as you will see, he has the same propensity as Velma for losing them.
-Got up early, went for breakfast beers and sandes-got tickets -checked out a Hermitage - got some groceries & a couple bottles wine to kill the time ->saw a yak - got the evil eye from the conductor - train.
-Got to Lisboa at night - met Alceste's friend at the station, had a cute Texan with her, ate with two airheads at a nice restaurant near the center -grilled swordfish - rushed to catch the train - sin alcohol - crowded car - met freak bros., banker from Brazil, other drunks in the dining car -> they gave us some rum - one pulled the emergency alarm and stopped the train - we went back to our cabin but too hot to sleep, I went back out, met Australians =two chicks and a dude, & Madrid guy ->shot shit for two hours, went back to sleep. (So, now we're on the return train from Lisbon to Madrid. We had gone out wandering in the dining car again and had encountered a new set of drinking friends. The "freak brothers" were a couple of soccer players who were far drunker than any of us. One of them stopped the train by pulling the emergency alarm, and this caused quite an ordeal. We all played "dumb" while the conductors tried to find the problem. We should have turned the idiot in because he ended up costing us about an hour sitting still in the stifling heat. He did have rum, though. I remember the Australians were very entertaining, though I don't recall why. Presumably, they laughed at my jokes.)
Madrid - beds filled with Germans - Al y yo finished and started bottle DYC, drank a bit w/ the Germans, 2 wines & chocolate. (So, now we're back in Madrid. When we got to our apartment, we discovered that our German room-mate Gunther had filled our beds with Germans. He had 3 or 4 friends visiting from Germany for the New Year's celebration, and Gunther must have figured we wouldn't mind if they made themselves at home. How presumptuous.)
Remember that our accomodations, though not properly described as "spartan," were yet quite minimal. My bedroom was a 4 foot x 9 foot former closet which was just barely big enough for a bed. Alceste had the largest bedroom, and he slept on a mattress/nest of clothing and blankets on the floor. I think Colyp was still sleeping on Alceste's floor at this time, but this was just about the time when John-the-gay-New-Yorker moved out and Colyp took over his room.
Gunther the German and we clowns maintained a certain detente through mutual respect, only without the respect. John-the-gay-New-Yorker, however, found us more difficult to stomach., and he had been fairly miserable since Alceste and I moved in. I don't recall what set him off first. Perhaps it was the bathtub full of dirty laundry soaking for days. We didn't have a washing machine and could not seem to find a laundromat, so we would just load our clothes into the tub to let them soak for awhile. We would just stand on top of the clothes to shower (kind of like making wine). Perhaps John-the-gay-New-Yorker did not enjoy wine-making. Perhaps what set him off was the fact that we seemed to always be losing and/or breaking all of the kitchen utensils and appliances. Though, to be fair, we did find a substantial amount of replacement stuff during our dumpster diving. John-the-gay-New-Yorker didn't seem to appreciate our recycling program either. Perhaps John-the-gay-New-Yorker most disliked the fact that we would stumble in at 3 or 4 or 5 am, drunk, singing, and hungry and sometimes accompanied by a group of random others. Whatever it was, John-the-gay-New-Yorker found it difficult to have us for housemates.
We knew we had a problem when, shortly after we had moved in, Alceste and I were sitting in his room drinking wine when John-the-gay-New-Yorker poked his head threw the doorway. "Uh, guys." he began cautiously, "Do you think we could set aside some time to schedule a meeting?" Gunther was standing behind John-the-gay-New-Yorker, obviously at his request. Alceste and I looked at one another with slight confusion.
"I'll have to check my appointments." I finally answered. But Alceste, as I've said, is more direct. "John, we're all right here, what the fuck do you want?" I don't remember which of John-the-gay-New-Yorker's complaints was his first, but, as you can see, in addition to his actual concern, there was also a clash of styles.
UPDATE: I have been advised that the infamous "Guys, could we set aside some time to schedule a meeting" conversation took place after not only Alceste and I but also Colyp, LBok and Coco were all more or less residing at the 3 1/2 bedroom flat with Gunther-the-German and John-the-gay-New-Yorker. The likely reason why John wanted a meeting just dawned on me.
Admittedly, we were not the best housemates. Frankly, Alceste, Colyp and I could barely stand one another either, and we had known each other for 5 years by this time. But John just couldn't take the combination of filth and gluttony, not to mention the smell. If I remember correctly, and I don't see how I could, John-the-gay-New-Yorker was also a tee-totaller. We weren't. So, John-the-gay-New-Yorker moved away and Colyp took over his room.
Gunther also disliked many of our lifestyle habits, but he was much more game about playing along. I think he found us to be something of an entertaining curiosity. For example, on one occasion, Alceste, Colyp and I were sitting in Alceste's room drinking wine when Gunther strode in. In his stern German accent he informed us "Guys, there is a chicken in the kitchen."
"Yes." I replied. One day while walking home from work, I had encountered a stuffed taxidermy rooster in a dumpster, so I brought it home and put it underneath the kitchen sink. We called him, "the Cock." We would take it out on our excursions playing guitar in the park for change, and it turned out to be quite a draw with the children. It was Gunther's preference that the bird not be stored in the kitchen. However, none of us wanted that filthy thing in his sleeping area.
The cupboard under the sink was also what we called the "dishwasher." After we had burned food to the bottom of one of the pots or pans, we would fill it with water and place it in the cupboard. Then, we would forget about it. Our assumption was that we would find a new one, and we often did.
While John found these kind of tactics intolerable, Gunther would just stare at us with a slight smile as though he were trying to solve a clever riddle. The riddle was not that clever.
Monday, June 25, 2007
When....when will we hear again about Velma and her glasses?
This question haunts us; haunts us all.
CSI
Maybe this only happens on my TV, but whenever there is a murder reported on one news channel, the same murder gets reported numerous times on every other news channel. What are the odds? Thank you for asking.
If you do a little research, you will find that there are typically 16,000 or so murders per year in the US. That means there are 44 murders on the average day. The one murder that gets all of the news coverage usually dominates the media for about a week (unless the killer is a Heisman trophy winner). Meanwhile, 306 other non-newsworthy people will have been killed. That is weird.
What about the story about a little kid that got abducted? Thank you for asking.
Unbelievably, there are 800,000 child abductions in the US per year (2,200 per day). Most of those involve family members in custody battles. However, there are still 58,000 non-family abductions in the US per year. That is about 160 per day. And yet, my TV shows me the same abduction over and over again for a week.
That is curious.
If you do a little research, you will find that there are typically 16,000 or so murders per year in the US. That means there are 44 murders on the average day. The one murder that gets all of the news coverage usually dominates the media for about a week (unless the killer is a Heisman trophy winner). Meanwhile, 306 other non-newsworthy people will have been killed. That is weird.
What about the story about a little kid that got abducted? Thank you for asking.
Unbelievably, there are 800,000 child abductions in the US per year (2,200 per day). Most of those involve family members in custody battles. However, there are still 58,000 non-family abductions in the US per year. That is about 160 per day. And yet, my TV shows me the same abduction over and over again for a week.
That is curious.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Al Gore's Transvestitism
Has anyone else noticed that this internet is all full of words and images and sounds? Isn't there anything decent on this thing?
Where can you find justice or holiness or a Baco-dog (TM)?
Not on this fucking internet, that is for sure.
Where can you find justice or holiness or a Baco-dog (TM)?
Not on this fucking internet, that is for sure.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Man Is a Political Animal
Now I see the problem. All of the really cool, popular blogs are doing politics and ours is merely religious.
Well, I've never been one to segregate churck from state, and I've got as many opinions oozing down my inner thighs as the next person, so let's get down with some political banter. Here are my predictions for the coming year:
Well, I've never been one to segregate churck from state, and I've got as many opinions oozing down my inner thighs as the next person, so let's get down with some political banter. Here are my predictions for the coming year:
- Tommy Thompson and Fred Thompson join forces as "The Thomspon Twins" - a mid-1980's new wave trio.
- John McCain tea-bags Ron Paul in an alley after an anti-pro-in-migration rally protest.
- Bill Frist diagnoses Adolph Giuliani with an accessory spleen.
- Hilary Rodham Clinton gets the Dirty Sanchez from Joe Biden who later admits that he stole the idea from Screech from TV's "Saved by the Bell."
- Barak Obama admits to using marijuana and cocaine, but the brother still can't get the black vote until he pimps his Volvo.
- Mitt Romney's insistence on detailing how "hot" his then girl-friend was at age 15 creeps out all but the most devout Mormons.
- Newt Gingrich's campaign is doomed when he pulls back his mask to reveal that he is, in truth, Newt Gingrich.
- The amount John Edwards paid for a hair-cut in LA is dwarfed by the amount he paid to blow a donkey in Juarez.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Velma Loses Her Glasses (Cinco)
To continue, the time is winter of 1990, the place is Europe. Alceste and I had been in Spain for a few months. This is after Colyp arrived but before Coco and LBok showed up. Alceste, Colyp and I were on vacation from our jobs teaching English in Spain. We had grabbed a train from Madrid to Lisbon in our continuing adventures living the life of a smelly American, getting drunk, falling down, and acting stupid. Continuing on Day 2 of our train excursion to Portugal, my notes are italicized, my current comments parenthetical.
-Morn, woke at 10, shower, s
nack & got on train to Sintra. Train ride uneventful - walked up hill following directions in "Let's Go," but couldn't find turn off - took the "long unscenic route." ended up hiking up the impenetrable face of the fortress. We penetrated. Brigg y yo scouted for about 30 minutes and finally found a route. The ascent was beneficial if only for the fact that it demonstrated how out of shape we are. Colyp's knee functioned adequately though he had to think about bending it - met nobody interesting - drank flask of gin - ate sandwiches -> trains leave promptly.
-Notable: 1) Colyp's knee pain (excrutiating) 2)sobriety and its painful consequences. (This castle I remember. The Castle of the Moors, is, like many castles, difficult to enter. Difficulty entering is one of the features that made it a good, you know, castle. We couldn't find the right road or path, but we could clearly see the castle up on top of the hill. We'll just hike up, we figured, until we can't go up any more, and then we'll be at the castle. We hadn't appreciated the fact that this is, you know, a castle. As you can see, there is a fairly steep cliff covered with boulders and overgrowth which one must traverse before then encountering the tall rock wall. To add to our problems, Switch was wearing loafers and Colyp had severely injured his knee somehow and could not bend it. We spent several hours trying to figure out how to get in and finally did make it into the place. By this time, we were extremely tired, hungry and out of booze.)
(UPDATE: Alceste reminds me of another part of this tale. After we had stormed the castle, we were, as stated previously, very tired. We hadn't seen another soul in the entire castle area, and the 4 of us were sitting in some type of tower area with a great view overlooking the city. We were retracing our footsteps leading to the idiotic decision to hike "up." Needless to say, there was a lot of second-guessing. Given the lack of other people and commenting on the beautiful view, Alceste stated very matter-of-factly, "This would be a great place to bring a bitch." Just at that inopportune moment, a pair of American tourists, a man and a woman, entered from behind us into our tower (they had taken the easy way up). The woman gave Alceste a look of disgust, looked suspiciously at her escort, turned her nose skyward at a sharp, 45 degree angle, and the two of them exited as promptly as they had entered. Apparently not, Alceste.)
X-mas Eve - Dinner at the Comida & Bebida = cabbage soup and fat raw steak on dirty tablecloth. Waiter 1) reuses dishes without washing & 2)reuses bread. (This I also remember. We were back in Lisbon after the day-trip storming the castle, and we were treated to the worst meal eaten by human beings in recorded history. We hadn't realized that few restaurants would be open on Christmas Eve and that those that were open would be completely reserved. Alceste, Colyp and I walked around for much of the evening and into the night looking for a restaurant. I don't recall what Brigg & Switch did, but they weren't with us. We finally found a dive back by the train station and sat down to order. The "waiter" took the table cloth from the next table, shook it, and put it on our table. He grabbed some plates out of a stack in a tub, gave them a wipe and then set them before us. Same with the bread.
None of us speak Portugese, and, though Spanish is very similar, we couldn't communicate with this guy. Apparently we must have ordered cabbage soup cooked with dirty sweat socks because that is what we were served. Cabbage soup is never good, but this was stuff was bad even for cabbage soup. Then came the "meat." If anyone has seen a three-legged horse running around Portugal, I think I know what happened to its other leg. You've heard the saying, "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse." I guess none of us was really that hungry. We ate what we could, but the fact that the meat wasn't even really cooked made it difficult to stomach.
-Got up Xmas - at Bfast, sandwiches to go, took ferry to other side of Tagus. Played war & drank - Colyp lost. On train - finished drinking Xmas presents. Alceste almost died of fever. Met Mozambique Anna and her dog Spot -> Colyp got some tongue from the dog & talked to Anna. (I don't specifically rememer any of this, but it all sounds familiar. I hadn't realized until now that Alceste's fever dated back this far.)
-Got to Faro - raining - stayed at the Pinto - wandered - ate dinner -> Sin Pao = "no bread for Americans." I had fish. Music -> fountain -> dog attack -> cool architecture. Colyp can't run but had a knife -> came back and went to bar -> saw some legs & stole a "reserved" sign. ->sleep (Faro is a port in the Algarve region on the Southern tip of Portugal. I think the dog attack happened on the boardwalk when Colyp and I stopped to take a leak and a German Shepherd ferociously chased us back up onto the boardwalk and down the street. Colyp, with this bad leg, couldn't run, but he pulled out a pocket knife to threaten the dog. The dog was not threatened).
-Bfast = egg, dogs, beans, bacon, lettuce, tomato $5.00. (I don't think I really meant dogs.) Market, met Death again -> got groceries and bottle of Aldo Nova (possibly the worst liquor ever) & some terrible mixer along with the worst bottle of Port we've had here. -> Nap 20 lbs of blankets for nut X-rays. (One would think that I would recall meeting Death a second time or that I would have mentioned the first meeting, but yet I don't recall meeting Death at all. I also doubt that any of us had his nuts X-rayed in Faro, Portugal, but there it is right in my notes. Alceste, any recollection of this?)
Went to museum - it was closed. Went to catch bus - couldn't find it. Ended up drinking beer at an outdoor cafe. Nap -> beers, dinner at Fin del Mundo. Great chicken, back to room to drink worst drink ever after visiting completely empty bar. Called home. (I'm glad to see that I called home)
Went to Empty Bar - no bartender, noone. Went to Hotel Eva & considered crashing a wedding party, hung out on the roof.
Back to Empty Bar (Dali) but there were people this time - had a few, went to look for more action, found a poster of street club, good reggae band - teach the bass-player the tune type. Had a few - moved on to another bar where guitarist jammed accompanied by rythm machine - met a chick and some English dudes - Colyp getting down, Disco African Dude, Spent $100 and went home drunk- met American chick who followed us home. (Nope, don't remember any of this).
Caught bus -> heat, rough roads, Aldera Nova hangover - pushed to the edge of vomiting. (This sounds familiar).
Conductor on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere - punched tickets & got back off bus. (I remember this because it seemed so bizarre. We got on the bus and noted the fact that we hadn't been asked to show our tickets. The bus took off and we made sat dumbly nursing our hangovers and fighting the waves of nausea. After about an hour on the bus, there was a guy standing on the side of the road in a conductor outfit. The bus pulled over, picked him up and began driving again. The conductor then came through the bus and punched everyone's tickets. When he had finished, he made his way back to the front and the driver pulled over and left him again out in the middle of nowhere. I guess he is the lonesome conductor who lives on the side of the roadways).
-Got to Evora -> raining, found hostel at $35/night, went to Capela dos Ossos
ie the bone church = macabre - no smell or at least not as bad as us. True Believer interrogated Alceste -"Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" Alceste took easy way out to save us a lot of time. Went to train station and back to hostel. (The bone church is something one doesn't forget. The walls are mostly constructed out of human bones such as femurs stacked on top of each other (like logs, the long way). There are corpses hanging around and skulls everywhere. The guy who accosted Alceste correctly guessed that Alceste spoke English and stood uncomfortably close, stared into his eyes, and held his shoulders when asking "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" Alceste paused for a minute, looked over at me, and then said, "Yes, yes I do.)"
UPDATE: Portugal's tourism site for Evora does not include the Capela Dos Ossos among the sites to see. Very curious.
-Ate at restaurant below hostel ->pork fried in clam sauce = good
-Went for beers -> no open bars, went to Mr. Snobs & then home.
-Morn- cathedral in main square with collection of relics, museum of Evora, Roman Temple of Diana - went by other palace, went for lunch of cheap sandwiches & beer. more cathedrals. Dinner = whole roasted chicken @$7.50, not quite as good as the other but a better deal. Back to hostel to nap & drink remainder of Aldera Nova & bad port. Out for beer, got tip, found pub with small "bar" sign, had a few beers surrounded by 15 year olds, went home.
(We're still days away from the moment when Alceste lost his glasses, and the tension is building like a night spent drinking the world's worst liquor while surrounded by 15 year old Portugese).
-Morn, woke at 10, shower, s
nack & got on train to Sintra. Train ride uneventful - walked up hill following directions in "Let's Go," but couldn't find turn off - took the "long unscenic route." ended up hiking up the impenetrable face of the fortress. We penetrated. Brigg y yo scouted for about 30 minutes and finally found a route. The ascent was beneficial if only for the fact that it demonstrated how out of shape we are. Colyp's knee functioned adequately though he had to think about bending it - met nobody interesting - drank flask of gin - ate sandwiches -> trains leave promptly. 
-Notable: 1) Colyp's knee pain (excrutiating) 2)sobriety and its painful consequences. (This castle I remember. The Castle of the Moors, is, like many castles, difficult to enter. Difficulty entering is one of the features that made it a good, you know, castle. We couldn't find the right road or path, but we could clearly see the castle up on top of the hill. We'll just hike up, we figured, until we can't go up any more, and then we'll be at the castle. We hadn't appreciated the fact that this is, you know, a castle. As you can see, there is a fairly steep cliff covered with boulders and overgrowth which one must traverse before then encountering the tall rock wall. To add to our problems, Switch was wearing loafers and Colyp had severely injured his knee somehow and could not bend it. We spent several hours trying to figure out how to get in and finally did make it into the place. By this time, we were extremely tired, hungry and out of booze.)(UPDATE: Alceste reminds me of another part of this tale. After we had stormed the castle, we were, as stated previously, very tired. We hadn't seen another soul in the entire castle area, and the 4 of us were sitting in some type of tower area with a great view overlooking the city. We were retracing our footsteps leading to the idiotic decision to hike "up." Needless to say, there was a lot of second-guessing. Given the lack of other people and commenting on the beautiful view, Alceste stated very matter-of-factly, "This would be a great place to bring a bitch." Just at that inopportune moment, a pair of American tourists, a man and a woman, entered from behind us into our tower (they had taken the easy way up). The woman gave Alceste a look of disgust, looked suspiciously at her escort, turned her nose skyward at a sharp, 45 degree angle, and the two of them exited as promptly as they had entered. Apparently not, Alceste.)
X-mas Eve - Dinner at the Comida & Bebida = cabbage soup and fat raw steak on dirty tablecloth. Waiter 1) reuses dishes without washing & 2)reuses bread. (This I also remember. We were back in Lisbon after the day-trip storming the castle, and we were treated to the worst meal eaten by human beings in recorded history. We hadn't realized that few restaurants would be open on Christmas Eve and that those that were open would be completely reserved. Alceste, Colyp and I walked around for much of the evening and into the night looking for a restaurant. I don't recall what Brigg & Switch did, but they weren't with us. We finally found a dive back by the train station and sat down to order. The "waiter" took the table cloth from the next table, shook it, and put it on our table. He grabbed some plates out of a stack in a tub, gave them a wipe and then set them before us. Same with the bread.
None of us speak Portugese, and, though Spanish is very similar, we couldn't communicate with this guy. Apparently we must have ordered cabbage soup cooked with dirty sweat socks because that is what we were served. Cabbage soup is never good, but this was stuff was bad even for cabbage soup. Then came the "meat." If anyone has seen a three-legged horse running around Portugal, I think I know what happened to its other leg. You've heard the saying, "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse." I guess none of us was really that hungry. We ate what we could, but the fact that the meat wasn't even really cooked made it difficult to stomach.
-Got up Xmas - at Bfast, sandwiches to go, took ferry to other side of Tagus. Played war & drank - Colyp lost. On train - finished drinking Xmas presents. Alceste almost died of fever. Met Mozambique Anna and her dog Spot -> Colyp got some tongue from the dog & talked to Anna. (I don't specifically rememer any of this, but it all sounds familiar. I hadn't realized until now that Alceste's fever dated back this far.)
-Got to Faro - raining - stayed at the Pinto - wandered - ate dinner -> Sin Pao = "no bread for Americans." I had fish. Music -> fountain -> dog attack -> cool architecture. Colyp can't run but had a knife -> came back and went to bar -> saw some legs & stole a "reserved" sign. ->sleep (Faro is a port in the Algarve region on the Southern tip of Portugal. I think the dog attack happened on the boardwalk when Colyp and I stopped to take a leak and a German Shepherd ferociously chased us back up onto the boardwalk and down the street. Colyp, with this bad leg, couldn't run, but he pulled out a pocket knife to threaten the dog. The dog was not threatened).
-Bfast = egg, dogs, beans, bacon, lettuce, tomato $5.00. (I don't think I really meant dogs.) Market, met Death again -> got groceries and bottle of Aldo Nova (possibly the worst liquor ever) & some terrible mixer along with the worst bottle of Port we've had here. -> Nap 20 lbs of blankets for nut X-rays. (One would think that I would recall meeting Death a second time or that I would have mentioned the first meeting, but yet I don't recall meeting Death at all. I also doubt that any of us had his nuts X-rayed in Faro, Portugal, but there it is right in my notes. Alceste, any recollection of this?)
Went to museum - it was closed. Went to catch bus - couldn't find it. Ended up drinking beer at an outdoor cafe. Nap -> beers, dinner at Fin del Mundo. Great chicken, back to room to drink worst drink ever after visiting completely empty bar. Called home. (I'm glad to see that I called home)
Went to Empty Bar - no bartender, noone. Went to Hotel Eva & considered crashing a wedding party, hung out on the roof.
Back to Empty Bar (Dali) but there were people this time - had a few, went to look for more action, found a poster of street club, good reggae band - teach the bass-player the tune type. Had a few - moved on to another bar where guitarist jammed accompanied by rythm machine - met a chick and some English dudes - Colyp getting down, Disco African Dude, Spent $100 and went home drunk- met American chick who followed us home. (Nope, don't remember any of this).
Caught bus -> heat, rough roads, Aldera Nova hangover - pushed to the edge of vomiting. (This sounds familiar).
Conductor on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere - punched tickets & got back off bus. (I remember this because it seemed so bizarre. We got on the bus and noted the fact that we hadn't been asked to show our tickets. The bus took off and we made sat dumbly nursing our hangovers and fighting the waves of nausea. After about an hour on the bus, there was a guy standing on the side of the road in a conductor outfit. The bus pulled over, picked him up and began driving again. The conductor then came through the bus and punched everyone's tickets. When he had finished, he made his way back to the front and the driver pulled over and left him again out in the middle of nowhere. I guess he is the lonesome conductor who lives on the side of the roadways).
-Got to Evora -> raining, found hostel at $35/night, went to Capela dos Ossos
ie the bone church = macabre - no smell or at least not as bad as us. True Believer interrogated Alceste -"Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" Alceste took easy way out to save us a lot of time. Went to train station and back to hostel. (The bone church is something one doesn't forget. The walls are mostly constructed out of human bones such as femurs stacked on top of each other (like logs, the long way). There are corpses hanging around and skulls everywhere. The guy who accosted Alceste correctly guessed that Alceste spoke English and stood uncomfortably close, stared into his eyes, and held his shoulders when asking "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" Alceste paused for a minute, looked over at me, and then said, "Yes, yes I do.)"UPDATE: Portugal's tourism site for Evora does not include the Capela Dos Ossos among the sites to see. Very curious.
-Ate at restaurant below hostel ->pork fried in clam sauce = good
-Went for beers -> no open bars, went to Mr. Snobs & then home.
-Morn- cathedral in main square with collection of relics, museum of Evora, Roman Temple of Diana - went by other palace, went for lunch of cheap sandwiches & beer. more cathedrals. Dinner = whole roasted chicken @$7.50, not quite as good as the other but a better deal. Back to hostel to nap & drink remainder of Aldera Nova & bad port. Out for beer, got tip, found pub with small "bar" sign, had a few beers surrounded by 15 year olds, went home.
(We're still days away from the moment when Alceste lost his glasses, and the tension is building like a night spent drinking the world's worst liquor while surrounded by 15 year old Portugese).
Friday, June 08, 2007
That Which We Call A Seat
By any other name would smell as sweet.
Last night, a woman told me that she is able to sit with her legs in a certain cross-legged fashion and to thereby masturbate by bouncing one leg. Needless to say, I've spent the better part of this morning adjusting my seating position, but no such luck.
Has anyone had any luck with this concept?
Last night, a woman told me that she is able to sit with her legs in a certain cross-legged fashion and to thereby masturbate by bouncing one leg. Needless to say, I've spent the better part of this morning adjusting my seating position, but no such luck.
Has anyone had any luck with this concept?
Immaculate Deception
This so-called magic bull just doesn't add up. How could a person like Paris Hilton possibly capture the attention of the American news media? She is an heiress. Who isn't? She is a drunk. Who isn't? Her blow-job video has been spread all over the internet. Whose hasn't?
She couldn't possibly do it alone. There must be an accomplice. But who?
She couldn't possibly do it alone. There must be an accomplice. But who?
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Velma Loses Her Glasses (Cuatro)
Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Colyp, Alceste and I were living the life of a smelly American, getting drunk, falling down, acting stupid in Espana, more specifically Madrid. I've recently run across a small note pad from 1990 (or was it 1991?) which contains my notes from the Christmas to New Years period of travels in and around Spain. The journey begins as we prepare to load a train from Madrid to Lisbon a few days before Christmas.
\Sat-Left at 11:00
-Drinking since party at Lingua maipc(??undecipherable, and I don't recall any party).
-Drank 1L. cheap wine - packed bags - Sang Ode to Judea & Bobby McGee - Forgot food for the 1st time - 2 liters wine for train ->flask=gin/vodka (One of us usually carried the flask to tide us over on long trips. It must have been filled with gin mixed with vodka on this occasion. That means we were running low on booze and had emptied two bottles).
-Got in wrong seats drunk skunks, then found our seats. Colyp told us of his misadventures, Alceste y yo yelled at him for the next hour - we were hated (I don't remember what Colyp told us that made us yell at him for an hour. The possibilities are virtually limitless).
-sang songs w/the Brazilian Sleeper, Julia, & The Friend *Rita Moreno (I don't recall whether we brought the guitar on this journey or whether we were singing Acapulco. I don't know who or what Julia was or what Rita Moreno was doing in our train car. I had forgotten about the Brazilian Sleeper until re-reading this. She was a young Brazilian lass who was quite lively when we first met but then proceeded to sleep for the entire voyage and eventually used each of us respectively as her pillow.)
-passed out (right on schedule).
-woke up wrapped up by the B.Sleeper - went out for Big Mace - Met the French Dude again - Drank Champagne - Asked Colyp for the XMas Present (I don't know to what the Big Mace refers, and I don't recall the French Dude. I had woken and left the others in the train car while I went exploring in the lounge car. I encountered some new friends and drank champagne with them. Previously, Colyp had let slip the information that, in order to make up for his past transgressions, he had purchased a Christmas present for Alceste and myself which was a bottle of decent liquor. I think it was scotch, but it may have been cognac. Anyway, Colyp had this with him in his baggage, and I wanted to break it out. Obviously, I was Number One while Alceste and Colyp were sleeping. Colyp wouldn't give it to me).
-resorted to sending in the women (So, I resorted to sending in some women to coax it away from him. This worked like a charm and Colyp joined me in the lounge car with our new champagne drinking friends and the bottle of something. Crack the bottle and the simple vessel transforms into a beautiful fountain showering bountiful memories lost forever).
-Alceste took over as pillow for the B.Sleeper.(I already went over this situation).
-Colyp missed score of food with Julia (No idea what this means).
-Got to Lisboa and met up w/Brigg & Switch. (Brigg, you'll recall, was the high-school friend of the RA from our freshman dorm hall who had let us sleep on his roof for some reason. Switch was the RA from our freshman hall. They both lived in Madrid, and we occasionally hung out together on our escapades. In fact, if memory serves me, and I don't see how it could, Brigg was the first to christen us with the name "The Clown Squad. We called them Brigg & Switch after the sales scam known as the "Bait & Switch" ("Baitar & Cambiar") because they were forever offering unfulfilled promises and less than satisfactory results. Some other time I'll tell you about the occasion when they ditched us cold and broke with no accomodations at the Las Rosas bull-fighting festival and we had to sleep in the bushes. Anyway, apparently we had arranged to meet them in Lisbon. I'm not sure who thought this would be a good idea).
-Went to hostel - got some sandwiches - went to castle = cool, overgrown, had reindeer - went to monastery = impressive but yet disappointing - went to dinner = baked trout - went to nap
(I don't remember any of this, even the reindeer?!? A wikipedia search causes me to believe that this was the Castle of São Jorge and that the monastery was the Jerónimos Monastery)
-woke at 10pm ->Colyp, Alceste y yo went for beer -
-beers, sandwiches, bottle of port. Back to hostel to sleep.
Notables: 1)Port in castle; 2) Dinner; 3)Red light district where multi-lingual bouncers know profanity in 20 languages; 4)interesting proposition - met Sandra and Jani who made proposal: "We all go for drink, go to hotel, go to Crematu disco" We huddled up -concluded hookers -said "no." They bolted slightly offended. (I vaguely recall this interchange with this couple of young ladies, but I'm not sure what made it noteworthy. Perhaps it was the abrupt directness of their group sex proposition. This is one of many times when poverty allowed us to easily avoid the tough decision). 5) Hostel was cold, bed was hard.
TO BE CONTINUED
\Sat-Left at 11:00
-Drinking since party at Lingua maipc(??undecipherable, and I don't recall any party).
-Drank 1L. cheap wine - packed bags - Sang Ode to Judea & Bobby McGee - Forgot food for the 1st time - 2 liters wine for train ->flask=gin/vodka (One of us usually carried the flask to tide us over on long trips. It must have been filled with gin mixed with vodka on this occasion. That means we were running low on booze and had emptied two bottles).
-Got in wrong seats drunk skunks, then found our seats. Colyp told us of his misadventures, Alceste y yo yelled at him for the next hour - we were hated (I don't remember what Colyp told us that made us yell at him for an hour. The possibilities are virtually limitless).
-sang songs w/the Brazilian Sleeper, Julia, & The Friend *Rita Moreno (I don't recall whether we brought the guitar on this journey or whether we were singing Acapulco. I don't know who or what Julia was or what Rita Moreno was doing in our train car. I had forgotten about the Brazilian Sleeper until re-reading this. She was a young Brazilian lass who was quite lively when we first met but then proceeded to sleep for the entire voyage and eventually used each of us respectively as her pillow.)
-passed out (right on schedule).
-woke up wrapped up by the B.Sleeper - went out for Big Mace - Met the French Dude again - Drank Champagne - Asked Colyp for the XMas Present (I don't know to what the Big Mace refers, and I don't recall the French Dude. I had woken and left the others in the train car while I went exploring in the lounge car. I encountered some new friends and drank champagne with them. Previously, Colyp had let slip the information that, in order to make up for his past transgressions, he had purchased a Christmas present for Alceste and myself which was a bottle of decent liquor. I think it was scotch, but it may have been cognac. Anyway, Colyp had this with him in his baggage, and I wanted to break it out. Obviously, I was Number One while Alceste and Colyp were sleeping. Colyp wouldn't give it to me).
-resorted to sending in the women (So, I resorted to sending in some women to coax it away from him. This worked like a charm and Colyp joined me in the lounge car with our new champagne drinking friends and the bottle of something. Crack the bottle and the simple vessel transforms into a beautiful fountain showering bountiful memories lost forever).
-Alceste took over as pillow for the B.Sleeper.(I already went over this situation).
-Colyp missed score of food with Julia (No idea what this means).
-Got to Lisboa and met up w/Brigg & Switch. (Brigg, you'll recall, was the high-school friend of the RA from our freshman dorm hall who had let us sleep on his roof for some reason. Switch was the RA from our freshman hall. They both lived in Madrid, and we occasionally hung out together on our escapades. In fact, if memory serves me, and I don't see how it could, Brigg was the first to christen us with the name "The Clown Squad. We called them Brigg & Switch after the sales scam known as the "Bait & Switch" ("Baitar & Cambiar") because they were forever offering unfulfilled promises and less than satisfactory results. Some other time I'll tell you about the occasion when they ditched us cold and broke with no accomodations at the Las Rosas bull-fighting festival and we had to sleep in the bushes. Anyway, apparently we had arranged to meet them in Lisbon. I'm not sure who thought this would be a good idea).
-Went to hostel - got some sandwiches - went to castle = cool, overgrown, had reindeer - went to monastery = impressive but yet disappointing - went to dinner = baked trout - went to nap
(I don't remember any of this, even the reindeer?!? A wikipedia search causes me to believe that this was the Castle of São Jorge and that the monastery was the Jerónimos Monastery)-woke at 10pm ->Colyp, Alceste y yo went for beer -
-beers, sandwiches, bottle of port. Back to hostel to sleep.
Notables: 1)Port in castle; 2) Dinner; 3)Red light district where multi-lingual bouncers know profanity in 20 languages; 4)interesting proposition - met Sandra and Jani who made proposal: "We all go for drink, go to hotel, go to Crematu disco" We huddled up -concluded hookers -said "no." They bolted slightly offended. (I vaguely recall this interchange with this couple of young ladies, but I'm not sure what made it noteworthy. Perhaps it was the abrupt directness of their group sex proposition. This is one of many times when poverty allowed us to easily avoid the tough decision). 5) Hostel was cold, bed was hard.
TO BE CONTINUED
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Hello Lamp-post
"Where has Coco gone?" LBok asks. Good question. Maybe he is busy birthing a child.
Or maybe, just maybe the Official Site of the First Unification Church of Knowledge has failed of late to deliver enough quality timely news. Well, hint taken. Here is the very latest in knowledge.
1) A California man has sued the maker of a vitamin drink for giving him an unstoppable erection. In an unrelated story, I filed suit agains the same vitamin drink maker, but for the opposite reason.
2) A California woman who lived with 120 rats and who was hospitalized for treatment of the animal bites all over her 81 year old arms said she started with two rats but then it "got out of hand." This recalls what happened with Michael Jackson after the movie "Ben."
3) A Washington DC Judge is suing a dry cleaner for $54M because they lost his pants. Between this guy and Marion Barry, I'm getting the impression that running for office in DC might be right up my alley.
4) Principal of Catholic school in Ohio gets probation in foot-kissing case. Holloway told authorities he paid each student $15 and kissed their bare feet 50 times each in the school's library and gym to pay off the bet on a student-teacher volleyball game.
"It's going to be a long road to get back to a normal life for myself," he said.
5) Does anyone have any idea of what happened to Paris Hilton? I haven't heard anything about her in quite some time, and I'm getting worried.
Or maybe, just maybe the Official Site of the First Unification Church of Knowledge has failed of late to deliver enough quality timely news. Well, hint taken. Here is the very latest in knowledge.
1) A California man has sued the maker of a vitamin drink for giving him an unstoppable erection. In an unrelated story, I filed suit agains the same vitamin drink maker, but for the opposite reason.
2) A California woman who lived with 120 rats and who was hospitalized for treatment of the animal bites all over her 81 year old arms said she started with two rats but then it "got out of hand." This recalls what happened with Michael Jackson after the movie "Ben."
3) A Washington DC Judge is suing a dry cleaner for $54M because they lost his pants. Between this guy and Marion Barry, I'm getting the impression that running for office in DC might be right up my alley.
4) Principal of Catholic school in Ohio gets probation in foot-kissing case. Holloway told authorities he paid each student $15 and kissed their bare feet 50 times each in the school's library and gym to pay off the bet on a student-teacher volleyball game.
"It's going to be a long road to get back to a normal life for myself," he said.
5) Does anyone have any idea of what happened to Paris Hilton? I haven't heard anything about her in quite some time, and I'm getting worried.
Monday, June 04, 2007
New Cuisine Takes Kitchen By Storm
On Saturday, I invented an exciting new entree'. The Bacon-Dog (TM). We had some left over bacon from breakfast, and when I was cooking hot-dogs for lunch, I thought, "Why not."
Folks, let me tell you how excited I am about this new invention. In retrospect, it seems as obvious as the nose on your face. Like the first guy who said to himself, "Hey, I've got some left-over chili, I'll bet that would be good on my hotdog," I feel as though I've made a tremendous contribution- one small step for my stomach, but one giant leap for stomach-kind.
I'm having my attorneys work up the documents to franchise the Bacon-Dog (TM) concept. In the meanwhile, anyone interested in using my recipe "(1) bacon (2) hot dog - mix in bun" can contact me for details on where to send your licensing fees.
Folks, let me tell you how excited I am about this new invention. In retrospect, it seems as obvious as the nose on your face. Like the first guy who said to himself, "Hey, I've got some left-over chili, I'll bet that would be good on my hotdog," I feel as though I've made a tremendous contribution- one small step for my stomach, but one giant leap for stomach-kind.
I'm having my attorneys work up the documents to franchise the Bacon-Dog (TM) concept. In the meanwhile, anyone interested in using my recipe "(1) bacon (2) hot dog - mix in bun" can contact me for details on where to send your licensing fees.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Peach Bush
As I was driving in to work this morning, I noticed that the VW Passat in front of me had a hand-made poster that read, "Impeach Bush Now!" covering the entire back window. I couldn't help but stop and really think hard about the fact that, "That car must be a son-bitch to parallel park with that big poster blocking the back window."
The thought also crossed my mind that this particular protester, whom I could not see due to, you know, the sign, was somewhat geographically challenged even if well intentioned. The folks in charge of impeachment are at least a thousand miles from my commuting route. At most, 2 or 3 of them visit here a few times a year. I don't think this VW Passat is going to change the political direction of this country unless it goes to Washington D.C.
Further, if the Passat is really committed to its cause, there should be posters covering the front windshield and side windows as well. That would show them.
The thought also crossed my mind that this particular protester, whom I could not see due to, you know, the sign, was somewhat geographically challenged even if well intentioned. The folks in charge of impeachment are at least a thousand miles from my commuting route. At most, 2 or 3 of them visit here a few times a year. I don't think this VW Passat is going to change the political direction of this country unless it goes to Washington D.C.
Further, if the Passat is really committed to its cause, there should be posters covering the front windshield and side windows as well. That would show them.
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