Sorry About the Brain Thing

Everything that I will attempt to say to you this morning will be from my heart, except for a couple of lines which will be from my liver and a brief word from my penis. I am fully cognizant of the effect that my words have on the entire world, but, unfortunately, I do not care. Please disregard what I just said.

Let’s pray. Dear Rusty, I pray that you give my followers the ability to look deep within my heart, liver and penis and to join in my anguish, pain, and love. I have never, and by that I mean always, met and faced the issues head-on, and I have never felt the need to wear underpants beneath my robes. I have never sidestepped or skirted unpleasantries. To the contrary, I have embraced unpleasantries. I have had wild, crazy sex with unpleasantries. That is how brave I am, and I hope to exhibit such bravery this morning.

Behold, I was shapen in inequity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. But I forgave her. Behold, thou desireth truth in the inward parts (innards); I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall not smell so ripe. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and a clean liver and penis; and renew a right spirit within me.

I have sinned, dear friends. The First Unification Church of Knowledge has long wrestled against the reborn, the living dead. But I, dear friends, I was weak, and I allowed myself to be seduced into their brain-eating ways. Yes, I was a zombie.

As an aside, I must tell you that being a zombie is not all that it is cracked up to be. For one thing, they tend to be terrible conversationalists.

Me: So, what do you guys do for fun?
Z: Brains.
Me: I see, is there a bar at your clubhouse?
Z: Brains.

And so on. You might as well try to have a conversation with a government employee. And their diet sucks! I guess I don’t mind if a guy eats some brains once in a while, but every meal? Also, the stench of rotting flesh loses its appeal rather quickly. You do have to admire the zombie camaraderie, as it is a pretty tight fraternity. But talk about hazing.

Anyway, I ask the forgiveness of all whom I have wronged by joining the zombies. My wife, my children, the First UniChurck, RUE Enterprises, the Clown Squad, my employees (or at least Lindsey. I don’t really need to apologize to Fred because he only works part-time), and most of all, Rusty. I love you all. Despite our differences. Despite your faults. You may be flawed, but you are worthy of my forgiveness.

No one is to blame but OneEar. I take the responsibility, and I will never again eat the brains of another living human, no matter how delicious they may be.

Thank you. Thank you and Rusty bless.