She waited with Baited Breath
The only official site of The First Unification Church of Kooking (fka the First Unification Church of Knowledge)(aka 1st Unichurck) and its house band, the Clown Squad (Affiliated with the community service organization The Underminers' Society of America). --THIS BLOG IS FOR RELIGIOUS, SCIENTIFIC AND EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY--(Not tested on animals)
36 comments:
Hi OneEar,
Madame Litzi is delighted to learn that Mila’s waiting with baited breath to connect once again with Cocoa in our evening séance. I’ve been practicing my incantations all afternoon to prepare for the soiree.
Hello Cocoa,
Perhaps some music would be appropriate for the séance this evening. What’d you think of the theme from “The Twilight Zone” playing softly in the background? Would Mila approve?
I think Mila would prefer selections from Pink Floyd's Obscured by Clouds album. That's what I'll be playing.
Everything is in place.
Hi Cocoa,
“Obscured by Clouds” is an excellent choice to accompany the séance. Barring an earthquake, I’ll be outside the vestry door at 8:30 p.m. Are we going to be alone or will this open for everyone to join in?
Ok I'm here. Allow me to describe the scene and then Litzi, I'll wait for your instructions.
Secret Word Verification is gfeebw -- not sure if that is a sign.
Hello Cocoa....
Madame Litzi is waiting outside the Churck...it's cold out here.
Okay Cocoa,
Please describe the scene as best you can. I've no idea what the Secret Word Verification means, other than a mismash of letters...
I'm sitting alone in my living room. It is dark except for the light from my computer screen, the christmas tree, and the candles surrounding Mila's picture. I have arranged her kibble on the floor to spell out her name. Pink Floyd is on the stereo. I'm feeling calm but a little nervous.
secret word is dpmdhdr
Obscured by clouds finished. Next CD in rotation was Wish You Here -- definitely a sign.
secret word -- pdgobv
but then ityped it wrong so now got ssttua
Ah, that sounds like an ideal scenario to conduct our séance….dim ligthing and the candles around Mila’s picture. This is very good. Please try to be calm. I don’t want you to have a panic attack or start hyperventilating. Just stare fondly at Mila’s photo and repeat her name over and over again, very softly and gently. Mila….Mila….Mila….
Please do this for a little bit while I start going into trance mode….I’ll be right with you in just a moment. Just keep repeating Mila…Mila….
OneEar is with us and is adding photos.
I feel I may be going into a trance as well.
Now I smell something burning. Is that good or bad?
You smell something burning? I hope to hell it isn't your window treatment going up in flames.
You really have set the stage beautifully! The black candle, the kibbles in a silver bowl, a group of people conducting another séance somewhere, and a bright celestial body which we hope is Mila approaching the Churck.
Madame Litzi is going into trance mode….Mila, Mila….Mila….remember when Cocoa would say “Mila, Leave It”? If you’re listening, please tell Cocoa if you’ve been running through the grass and playing ball since you left his side…..Mila. .. .Mila…...GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF HER KIBBLES BOWL, Cocoa…….Mila, Mila……Please speak to Cocoa….he’s concentrating on your beautiful coat, your bright eyes and your toenails clicking across the bare floor….Do you still curl up on an old musty rug? Alright Cocoa, clear your mind of absolutely everything ….WILL YOU PLEASE QUIT EATING MILA’S KIBBLES? Mila….Mila….I’m going to be quiet now and we’ll wait for Mila to say something……Cocoa, please continue call her name very gently….Mila…Mila
Hi Cocoa,
Is OneEar going into a trance to try to establish contact with Mila too?
I'm with you.
“Wish you were here” is a lovely song to have playing while you call out to Mila…Just keep saying her name. If OneEar is interfering with your waves to reach Mila, tell him to shove it where the sun don’t shine until the séance is over. You might want to word that a bit nicer….
Hello OneEar,
I was just talking about you....I hope you aren't disturbing Cocoa while he's trying to make contact with Mila.
I think you and I should step back and see what happens, don't you? Shhh...
Nothing concrete yet, but feeling something.
OneEar should be here. I'm glad he's here. Mila and he were always "close".
I ...
oohhh, Cocoa, what's happening? Is Mila making contact?
OneEar,
Is anything ablaze? Is there any food left for Mila? Maybe it's a good thing you are around....
My son was crying. I went to check on him and he had bite marks on his leg. He is fine but I am sure that this was Mila's way of saying "hello".
Thank You Litzi. I feel much better now. Thanks for the Christmas gift
I just felt a warm presence on the back of my neck; perhaps it was Mila breathing on me…Where’s OneEar?
Lie down.
Madame Litzi is coming out of trance mode….my mind’s entering the earth’s force…..Splat!......ugh! What a mess!
I hope the bite marks on your son’s leg aren’t serious. My God, I wasn’t expecting anything like this to happen. Perhaps you should give your son a warm glass of milk and a big huge hug! And be sure to tell him you love him…
You’re very welcome. And I thank you for including me in the fun this evening! I wish you and your entire family a very Merry Christmas. And the same to you OneEar!!
Goodnight, Gentlemen!!
Good Night Litzi. Thanks.
Sleep well, Sweet dog.
I didn't anticipate how similar this would feel to a one-night stand. And, of course, Coco finished early. Anyway, thanks, and I'll give you a call sometime.
Bye Mila.
Hi bratwarstundasauerkraut,
It’s nice to speak with you. Hmmm, would you mind if I shortened your name? No offense, but it’s rather long and difficult to spell. Perhaps I could call you “bratwars”?
I’m a bit puzzled why you’ve asked me to assist you in helping you through the transition with your beloved dog. Does she have a name and why do you think she’ll be crossing the River Styx into hell? Just because she’s getting older, lumpy, smelly and annoying (that sounds like an apt description of me) is that a reason to put her down? Don’t you have a relative or close friend who’d be willing to adopt her? Is your dog ill or in any physical pain?
Bratwars, when you got your dog, it was a commitment to care for her as long as she lives or to make other provisions to provide
a loving home for her elsewhere. Pets are like children; you don’t jut toss them out with the bathwater because they’re annoying you on a particular day. Poor Cocoa lost Mila almost 6 months ago, and still misses her everyday. Perhaps you might want to take a look at what a responsible pet owner he was and try to emulate his behavior. Maybe you should ask Cocoa if he’d like to adopt your dog. We’ve all got busy lives but we must learn to take responsibility for those who depend upon us for their very existence.
So, if you’re having your pet put down simply because you feel she’s a pain in the ass, no, I won’t hold a séance to help you out.
And, what’s the BFD about having to Google Britney Ass-paragus Spears if you fell it necessary to ogle her nether regions? I commend OneEar for removing the link to ms. slutsville. I can see why OneEar, Loud But Off Key and Cocoa No GoGo don’t invite you to their “Rusty” meetings too often; you are a bit of a boar. And I used the proper spelling...
Hi OneEar,
Wow, what closet did you pull bratwarstundasauerkraut out of? He needs to take a few lessons in humanity from you, Cocoa and Loud But Off Key. I’ve probably alienated him from ever speaking to me again, but he needs to have this head rescrewed on or his brains realigned.
I’m sorry to hear you felt like you’d been through a “one-night” stand after the séance last night. I’d be honored to hold another spiritualist meeting to communicate with the spirits for you if the need ever arises. Cocoa was a delightful host and I was impressed by all the lovely preparations he did to make the evening such a success. Was his son alright this morning?
In all honesty, I wondered what I was getting myself into yesterday; if “the séance” was going to be a big “goof” and I was going to be the brunt of a lot of snide jokes. But I came away from the computer last night with a totally different opinion about the “three” of you and it was an enjoyable “event”.
Litzi,
Re: Bratwurstundsauerkraut
Zoinks!!
You got him all wrong. Actually you may recall that your initial reactions to OneEar, LBok and Cocoa contained similar repulsions. It takes awhile to catch on to our ennui-driven sarcasm. The World, in fact, has not quite warmed up to the Clown Squad sarcasm … and this may be one of the reasons sales have been so sluggish.
I will agree with you that B_und_S needs to be more like me. I've been telling him that for years. Indeed, if all of the Clown Squad were more like me, then I think things would be different.
Moreover, B_und_S is rather timid (almost like a little girl) and we have been trying to get him to be a regular contributor for months. I am sure it will all work out in the end.
B_und_S, I'll "take care" of Taylor for you. What is the condition of Taylor's liver? Is it harvestable? Also, you have forgotten about your alternate name "One Note Solo" aka "ono" and your love for squirrels.
Litzi,
Let me help to clarify Bunds's position, as well. You see, his dog, Taylor, once broke into the pantry at his In-Laws's house, ate an entire bag of cat food, and proceeded to have diarrhea all over the house, concentrating efforts on their brand-new wall-to-wall carpetting. I think Bunds has some very deep-seated emotions about this animal as a result. It also may have changed the emotional dynamic between Bunds and his wife's family, but I'm not for sure on that one.
Hi Cocoa,
Alright, perhaps my initial judgment of Mr. Bratwurstundsauerkraut was a bit harsh and I’ll make a concentrated effort to treat him with respect. I don’t recall ever being “similarly repulsed” to you, OneEar and Loud But Off Key. I’ve always found your sarcasm and humor delightful and most amusing.
If Bratwurstundsauerkraut can forget trying to be Charon ferrying the souls of the deceased across the River Styx, (his dog Taylor, in this case), I’d like to get to know him better.
Hi Loud But Off Key,
Yes, I can see why “Bund” is pissed at his dog Taylor for crapping all over his in-laws’ brand new carpeting, and how the incident could have altered his family dynamics permanently. But Bund can’t be held totally responsible for Taylor’s behavior; he wasn’t the one who defecated all over the house and he probably was unaware that the cat food would have such dire consequences.
If one of Bund’s kids ate too much chocolate and starting puking all over, would he want to usher it into the hereafter? He should ease off Taylor a bit….or give him to Cocoa.
Hi Bratwurstundsauerkraut,
Yes, I understand that Taylor is annoying you and I’ve also heard about the unfortunate diarrhea incident all over the new wall-to-wall carpeting. Perhaps you should get Taylor her own house (Doggie style) and make her stay in that general vicinity instead of allowing her to wonder all over hell and create untold problems. Or you could put her on a leash when she’s visiting your in-laws’ to avoid another cat food fiasco.
B_und_S (that’s a very nice sobriquet); I didn’t “make” Mila bite Cocoa’s son. I think it was her way of announcing her presence to Cocoa. The only thing I take credit for is helping him concentrate on bringing Mila’s spirit back to earth for a few seconds.
I’ve found that kids usually don’t need any urging when it comes to biting anything, albeit it food or an inanimate object. Perhaps you could make “biting Taylor” into a little game with your child; I always found bribery works well. “If you bite Taylor GENTLY on the hind leg, I’ll give you a candy cane”. You get your so sought after revenge, Taylor is softly gnawed and your kid gets the best reward of all-sweets!
I hope we can be friends; I’m truly sorry I misunderstood your intentions towards Taylor…you seem like a nice person. Happy Holidays, B_und_S!
B&S, I never really cared for your dog in the first place, because she always thought she was too good for me. So go ahead. Also, didn't you notice the pantyhose on "Ono"'s head? That was the dead give-away that you is he.
And these Clowns are my closest friends despite/because of the fact that I only get/have to see them once or twice a year. Does that strike anyone as sad?
I wouldn't mind being "softly gnawed."
Actually, some while back I had an idea for a scene in a movie where a man is fleeing from some entity of evil and winds up in an enclosure full of sheep. "It is a safe here among these gentle lambs," he thinks to himself. But then the lambs turn on him and softly gnaw him to death.
OneEar, your words have touched me.
Hi Cocoa no gogo,
You’re a romantic softie at heart, aren’t you? Ending up in an enclosure full of peaceful sheep is a lovely vision; what the hell made them turn on you?
Hi OneEar,
Yes, it’s sad that you’re only able to reunite with the Clown Squad once or twice a year. What’s the deterrent keeping all of you from seeing one another more often?
Litzi, I think I am the deterrent. At least we've all agreed upon that before.
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