There is no segment of the population which is more loyal and kind-hearted than animal lovers. So I have developed a plan to court this large, faithful population to the True Churck.
It happens on a daily basis somewhere in America. A man and a woman, previously the satisfied and satisfying home hosts to a pet dog or cat, suddenly throw the situation into turmoil by birthing a baby human. Tragedy enues.
The animal guest is doomed to a life of tail pulling, eye poking, and unhealthy food droppings. The dog or cat will never again be the center of attention upon whom the parents dote. The fountain of love previously lavished upon the animal showers instead upon the "widdle baby." For the estimated 60 million dogs and 70 million cats in the US, there is no greater calamity than the birth of a human.
Announcing, in our ongoing effort to attract members and to save noble creatures from a life of horror, the Great American Homo Out. We will do everything in our power to see to it that not another homo sapien is born, ever. Part PETA, part Planned Parenthood, the GAHO will be a celebration of life without human reproduction. Think about what a wonderful world it will be for future generations without all of those crying, snot-nosed, tail pulling infants.
The only official site of The First Unification Church of Kooking (fka the First Unification Church of Knowledge)(aka 1st Unichurck) and its house band, the Clown Squad (Affiliated with the community service organization The Underminers' Society of America). --THIS BLOG IS FOR RELIGIOUS, SCIENTIFIC AND EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY--(Not tested on animals)
14 comments:
Hi OneEar,
Your newest design for zero growth population is brilliant! The United States reached 300 million people in October, and it’s long overdue that someone put an end to the escalating birth rate. Does the GAHO have any idea how it’s going to attain their objective of zero human reproduction?
The First Unification Church of Knowledge could establish its own version of a Health Maintenance Organization (HMO) next door to the Chapel, staffed with the best physicians in the Country, where sterilization procedures would be carried out quickly and efficiently. The First Unichurck could guarantee to each member who underwent castration, (vasectomy or tubal ligation), that they would be amongst a multitude of virgins in the hereafter. That idea’s already in use and seems to be working quite well, so why not let The First Unichurck have a crack at it? And as a side note, The Churck’s HMO could exact a fee for each neutering job it performs, so its coffers would be overflowing.
One problem is who’ll be around to take care of all the dogs and cats when humans cease to exist? This must be addressed before the celebration of life without human reproduction proceeds.
I've never understood the virgin thing. Do you only get to use them once? Plus, there's always the mess to consider.
I think LBok may have some experience with self-castration techniques. Others of us just have it done by our spouses.
You needn't worry about the animals post-humanity. The dogs will eat the cats and then inbreed themselves into extinction. Only then will the sheep rule.
Oh, boy.
Hi OneEar,
Maybe you should take your concerns about the virgins awaiting you in the next world with the Muslims; they seem willing to commit almost any atrocity for that final reward. I wonder how they handle the mess…
Does Loud But Off Key wield a mighty sword when practicing his self-castration techniques? The spousal version you speak of is quite effective but at least it’s not final. The process can sometimes be reversed with a big bouquet of flowers, a little wine and an expensive piece of jewelry.
Aha, you do have an ulterior motive behind your “life with without human reproduction”! Sheep will rule supreme, but over what?
"Sheep" and "human reproduction" should never be used in the same paragraph. And yes, I weild a might sword, if you must know.
Hi Loud But Off Key,
I wasn’t getting personal when I inquired about your wielding a mighty sword. It was a metaphor, referring to your extraordinary bravery and tenacity in the face of danger.
I’ve heard a lot of “sheep” jokes, which I give absolutely no credence to whatsoever. However, I no longer purchase anything made of lamb’s wool, because you never can tell what the gregarious ruminant mammals have been doing….
Gregarious is right. Temptresses.
Hi Loud But Off Key,
Gregarious was a polite word for “randy”. Sheep have a reputation for being lecherous or lustful, as I’m sure you know. They’re very docile in appearance, but underneath all that wool, lurks the mind and body of a lascivious beast; ergo, a wolf in sheep’s clothing……
Have you two considered teaming up for a subscription-only site where voyeurs could eavesdrop on discussions about the sexual practices of sheep?
Voyeurs don't eavesdrop, you cretin.
Well, maybe by accident. Or at least that's what I told the judge.
Hi OneEar,
I can’t speak for Loud But Off Key but I was unaware that there’s a subscription-only site that broadcasts discussions about the sexual practices of sheep. Is it owned and operated by the National 4H Club or a group of bored farmers who’ve nothing better to do with their time? Do you think there might be some chat rooms dealing with the subject?
Loud But Off Key; do you want to be a voyeur or an eavesdropper? Maybe “craigslist” might have something along this line; they’ve got a lot of raunchy people on it.
Hi Loud But Off Key,
You were lucky the judge didn’t put you in jail and throw away the key. You should be careful who you eavesdrop on and make sure no one’s around when you’re being a voyeur. OneEar might not always be around to help you out…..
No, but perhaps the Baker Commission will recommend a solution to all of your problems. Is that a reasonable expectation?
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