Mystery Solved

FU loyalists may recall an incident from August of 2006 when Alceste visited me in Madison, Wisconsin, and we ended up in the middle of a mystery. We spent the afternoon and night bar-hopping and then stayed at a hotel overnight. When we awoke in the morning, the hotel room had received an extreme make-over including relocation of the furniture, removal of the door mirror, and updating of the carpeting with a colorful pattern of diarrhea. The towels had all been removed, and both Alceste's and my feet had been slathered with feces. For details, please reference SOS a Mystery. Of course, this incident and a possibly related roadside incident involving Alceste later became the basis for the world renowned Funky Monkey Crap Rap.

However, until now, exactly what happened in the hotel room on that mysterious night has remained, well, a mystery. Who would break into a hotel room, trash the place, steal all of the towels, and then defecate on the floor and on the feet of the two guests? Mystery solved: Defecation Man arrested.

Fall Well, Jerry

Score one for Satan, Winkie-Dinkie, Larry Flynt, and the "First Class Nuts." Our comrade in arms in the battle to usher in the apocalypse is no more. Yes, brother Jerry Falwell is dead.

At 11:45am EST, the vacuum inside Falwell's head finally collapsed unto itself creating a pinhole sized approximation of a black hole (dubbed a pin-head). Due to the immense gravitational pull, neither light nor logic escaped the event, but Falwell's demise was verified by the sudden cessation in the stream of shit flowing out of his mouth. The official cause of death was initially reported as a "bowel obstruction," for which many suspected the aforementioned head. However, Doctors later confirmed that Falwell's death was caused by the lack of a functioning heart.

Jerry, you made the world a better place simply by leaving it, and for that we thank you. May you rest in peace (briefly, until Judgment Day).

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NOTE: For those who may consider it callous, cowardly, or conventionally crappy to dance upon the grave of another regardless of his bigotry or the degree to which he preyed upon the faith of others, you are generally correct. Sorry.

F^ck You Pluto

So, they've discovered a planet that may support life. Well, la ti da! Congratulations Professor Galileo!

I've been living on a planet that supports life for most of my existence, and did anyone give me the Noble Piece Prize? (No.) Why don't you find a planet that destroys life? Then you would have something.

I read about the Ice Cube project in Antarctica where they have created an array of sensors a mile deep in the ice in an effort to measure particles shot out of the collision between other particles and neutrinos. I had to ask myself, "Why did they ask Rich Little to host the Washington Press Corp. conference this year?"

Do I have to do everything?

Funky Monkey Crap Rap

I bought me a rhymin' dictionary
Now my rappin' is scrappin' & scary
Bustin' out rhymes
Rhymin' sometimes
Fill my cup up pup with sherry

Got my hoe in the minivan drivin'
And my peeps in the cheap seats thrivin'
Rollin' through my town
Holdin' brown down
Got to potty hope soon we're arrivin'

Great - too late
What a whack attack
In a blink it stink
Got black in my crack

Got to pull over quick be stoppin'
Wicked quick slick pants be droppin'
Must assess
Wipin' up the mess
With shirts, spurts and squirts I'm moppin'

I bought me a rhymin' dictionary
Now my rappin is scrappin & scary
Bustin' out rhymes
Rhymin' sometimes
Clean the mean green off of my hairy.

Kids These Days

What is wrong with these kids these days? I was out doing some FU recruiting last night, and when I was explaining how we worship a one-eared, lazy, and slightly incompetent sheep with an apocalyptic vision of tomorrow, these kids looked at me like I was crazy?!?

Likewise, many of our youth-targeted sales initiatives have been disappointments. Despite our focus on urine and feces (two things that every youth needs), we have been unsuccessful in tapping into the critical "disposable income/no discretion" demographic.

Coco made the first effort with the catchy tune "Her Wookie's A Leaker" which I cleverly adapted to "Her Nookie's a Leaker." (Speaking of leakers, what happened to Thursday, Coco?)

Next, we launched the attractive "Monkey Thoroughing Poo" series of apparel. This was much less successful than anticipated.

What do these kids want?

Royal Flush

So, I says to God, I says, "Alright already, Rusty, I'll do it. Jesus Christ, give me a break!" He had been threatening to pipe in Celine Dion music during my stay in hell. I doubt that a good and loving deity could really be so cruel, but I'm not going to chance it.

So, I hereby launch my campaign to be your next Second District Sewerage District Commissioner.

What makes me qualified, you might ask.

1) My opponent believes in strangling kittens, punching old ladies, and raping penguins. I don't.

2) My opponent wants to "cut and run." I want to "patch and lie."

3) My opponent shat his pants during the first two years of his life. I can honestly say that I never shat his pants.

So, when you ask yourself, "Which candidate is best for my feces and urine?" I ask you to think of me.

OneEar - For a Better Sh1tter.

FU Weekly - Paperless Voting Machines

On Weeee Updated - Congratulations

Our friend Alceste has just completed his PhD! Sincere congratulations to you, sir. You are now, without a doubt, the most highly educated drummer in the Clown Squad.

You are hereby officially forgiven for and absolved of all sins to date including but not limited to your troubling absence from Churck services. However, now that you have disposed of your dissertation, we expect you to become more regular.
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My Toast to You

We are gathered here today to honor a real man – but not just any man. This man is a father, a son, a brother, and an uncle, and a brother-in-law, and a taxpayer. And he is a friend. He is all that a man can, nay should, no MUST be. He is a man’s man.

I will never forget the first time that I met {insert name} . I was immediately struck by his sincerity, his genuineness, his authenticity, and his realness. Over time, I came to know {insert name} not just as a real man, but also as a (make quotation marks in air) “real” man. Yes, he is both real and (make quotation marks in air) “real.”

And so, on this special occasion, we raise our glasses, both figuratively and metaphorically, and we give a toast, “This one’s for you {insert name}, for being one of the really real men.

(Cue: For He's a Jolly Good Fellow - to the tune of The Bear Went Over the Mountain)

RUE Looks to "Cash In" on Sudden Popularity

Mr. OneEar, High Priestest and Chosen One of the First Unichurck (a faith based initiative) and Chief Chief Chief of RUE, Ltd has announced an initial public offering of stock in the wholly owed subsidiary SendMeCash.com (SMC). Ear acknowledges that RUE’s IPO of stock in the rapidly growing SMC may come as a surprise to some analysts.

"Who did what now?" asked one leading Wall Street homeless man.

"RUE has enjoyed modest success as a private venture," says Ear, "much more modest than I had anticipated. "But the upside potential for this venture is enormous."

Despite the fact that nobody wanted to hear any more about this subject, Ear continued, "One year ago, nobody expected us to make a cent. RUE was not even on the radar screen of many analysts."

Ear begs comparison of the company's dismal past with its awesome prospects for growth. "We earned $2.16 this year as compared with $0.00 last year. If you do the math, that represents an infinite growth rate. Did Microsoft have infinite growth in the past year?" With numbers like these, Ear expects investors to flock to SMC. "I've already ordered my speedboat," says Ear, so I hope these angel investors hurry up.

According to Ear, SMC does not have any recognizeable business activity per se. "But look at the growth," says Ear. "Numbers do not lie. They just don't. Lie, that is. Numbers, I'm speaking about."

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The preceding represents a forward looking statement which consists of facts and opinions which may or may not be based within the realm of generally recognized reality (GRR). Any statement contained therein may be a delusional fiction made for purposes of defrauding investors and should therefore be taken lightly if at all. I mean, seriously!

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POO NEWS
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Alceste Ahead of Art

Award winning filmaker Martin Creed, having recently released his film involving 19 vignettes of people vomiting to camera, has indicated his work on the Shit Film.

the Shit Film. As the title suggests, this will involve footage of people defecating to camera. It will be shot on widescreen CinemaScope against the backdrop of an "infinity curve" - an apparently seamless background that gives the impression of there being no horizon line between the floor and the wall.

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Murderer Paints With Hair, M&Ms

Donny Johnson is a killer convicted of killing a friend to death over PCP laced cigarettes and then of stabbing a prison guard. Like most artists, his creative urge causes him to murder people. Thank you to the NY Times for featuring this misunderstood soul. If only he would paint with his own sh!t.

Doo Doo Series

The old saying says those who can, do, and those who doo-doo, doo-doo. In honor of them, we launch the doo-doo series of Rustywhear.

The distinctive design of the Monkey Thoroughing Poo Rimmed T says it all.

But for those who need to say more, the Monkey Thoroughing Poo Commemorative Stamp lets you send your US Postal Mail in style!!

Or, get the Monkey Thoroughing Poo Framed Tile!! for your office!

And, if you sponsor a children's baseball team, why not outfit them in the Monkey Thoroughing Poo Children's Baseball Jersey

Hypoothesis

There was this ape, a very large ape, that escaped from the zoo. It wandered into an upscale hotel, snuck past security, and, after eating some extremely spicy buffalo wings and, apparently, a cigar, it broke into room 519, shat on the floor, picked up both of the occupants, stamped their feet in its sh!t, reset one of their watches back 4 hours, knocked the mirror off of the wall and then took all of the towels and left.

SOS - A Mystery
A Clue

The Following May be a clue to the Mystery:

These strange entries were captured on police radio scanners:

Alceste:
And...there is no more smoking in bars. You need to file a suit on
conventioneers behalf. We just passed that law in BR as well. tsk
tsk. I am free as the wind, just trying to clean up the shit in my
bathroom before the maid is stuck with it. Call me when you are
available.

OneNoteSolo:
You clean up for the maid but not CocoaNoGoGo? The trail of shit stains you
left at his house was epic.... Be careful and do not tape dollar bills to your
fur as a trusting wookieI know once did....

Alceste:
The sad thing is that I did clean up in Chicago--it is just that the job
was so immense. On a similar note,I shit myself last week on I55 in
Mississippi. I was between exits, and the guts were rumbling. I
squeezed and squeezed, and, luckily, made it to an exit. There was an
Exxon a mile down the road, but it was boarded shut. I began to panic, and
tried to go down the other way---bad mistake. My bowels exploded and the
runny brown liquid oozed out everywhere, soiling the seat of kristin's new
Altima with a brown paste. I drove to the back of a church and found an
fence-enclosed air conditioning area. The fence was short, but I had no
choice. I stripped down and attempted to clean myself with a new pack of
Hanes undershirts. It was simply too much poo. Then, a pickup truck
pulled into the lot, but it went to the front of the building. I put on
some other shorts, but the brown evil paste was still everywhere. I put
down one ofHunter's blankets over the shit in the car, and I made it to Taco
Bell and cleaned up in the bathroom, then returned to the church to retrieve my
shit coated clothing. I couldn't leave that for the ac repairman to
discover. I found a convenience store and bought a roll of paper towels
and some Orange Clean. It worked like a charm. Later that evening, I
rinsed the crap-laden clothing out in the hotel tub, but the drain was slow, and
I couldn't get things to flow south. I checked out in the morning, leaving
the stained undershirts in the trash of the hotel room. I felt bad for the
lady who would have to clean the shit up, and feel bad for this lady as well
here in Madison. However, I suppose that is the cost of doing business with a
pig like myself.

Alceste:
Everyone--in an unbelievable sequence of actions, I blasted mud in
the shower this morning, coating the walls and clogging, once again, the
drain. I have been traveling for two weeks, and the food is killing
me.

Now, what could have happened on that famed evening of Wookies and Grizzly bears sleeping in the poopy hotel? Which of the large, furry creatures crapped the floor in this scatological mystery? And left their respective paw prints in the doo? The fact that both had traipsed through the evidence, casually unaware, makes the mystery even more difficult to solve. And, to add insult to injury, Grizzly blames Wookie, and Wookie diplomatically states he can't imagine who could have broken into the room just to do that, force them both to stride through the mess, break the mirror, and steal the towels.

The image of a Grizzly squatting down behind an air-conditioning fence trying to clean liquid turd off his fur is suspicious, thought-provoking, nauseating, yet somehow hysterical. Who can crack the code? This case is sure to go cold.

SOS - A Mystery

It was a weekend like so many others, beautiful sunny weather in an idyllic midwestern city. But, during this weekend, something would go terribly wrong.

It began innocently enough when a middle-aged man, we'll call him Alceste, enrolled in some sort of conference. The conference happened to be venued at the home city of your hero and mine, OneEar.

Thursday evening ended without a splash. The following is excerpted verbatim from Alceste's report:

Just spent the evening in the company of the wookie. Here is my report. We went to the college where they have an immense terrace that serves beer. We heard a band warm up for an hour, play one song, then they put all their shit away. The wookie seemed sober. His back was straight, and he wasn't holding his stomach. He did not break anything, and he said "excuse me" when walking past another table. He did not leave any trails of fur. Is this a ruse? Am I being luled into a situation that could turn ugly? Please advise.

Friday, Alceste apparently reported to his conference and your hero and mine, OneEar aka "the wookie", reported for duty to the office. After spending the day tending to their respective professional obligations, the two reconvened Friday afternoon for the occassion of having OneEar drive one of Alceste's colleagues to a Harley Davidson store (read all over tarnation).

After a few pitchers of beer at a beer garden and a couple of beers at Rusty's tavern, OneEar and Alceste parked at Alceste's hotel, ditched the colleague and set out on foot for some drinking proper. The first stop involved, you guessed it, beer, as well as some extremely spicy buffalo wings. (Note: this clue may or may not be relevant later). The duo continued bar-hopping through the evening and into the night until they returned to Alceste's hotel.

Flash forward 8 hours. It is now 10am on Saturday. "Housekeeping!" is knocking at the door. OneEar awakes, checks his watch which reads 6:00am, and wonders aloud, "What the f&ck?" "Occupado," he yells.

Looking down, OneEar notices that he is still fully clothed except for his shoes, but there is what appears to be sh!t all over his feet and bedsheets. "What the f&ck?" He takes a second look around the room. Alceste is beginning to rustle in his bed. Good, he is still alive. The large hotel mirror has been knocked off the wall and the door to the adjacent room is open.

OneEar sits up and notices that Alceste too has what appears to be sh!t all over his feet and bedsheets and there is a large wiped up mess of what appears to be sh!t all over the carpeting at the foot of Alceste's bed.

"Alceste, What the f&ck?"

"I don't know," says Alceste.

"What happened here?" wonders OneEar.

"I don't know," says Alceste.

"Well clean that sh!t up."

Alceste returns from the bathroom with one wet washcloth and throws it on the pile of diarrhea. "We should go," he says.

OneEar goes into the bathroom to wash his feet in the tub. "Where are all of the towels," he asks when he is done.

"I don't know," says Alceste. "We should go."

So, after leaving their last $5 for housekeeping (Not nearly enough), Alceste went down to check out promptly and OneEar proceeded to the parking garage to pull the car around and they left the mystery behind them.

What could have happened?