Awkward Paws

I've become accustomed to the fact that nobody likes to correspond with me for very long. Not long into a dialogue, there is often an awkward pause which typically seems to occur after I have taken my turn. Then, watches will be examined, pens will be placed back into pockets, papers will be stacked and placed into portfolios, and hasty retreats will be beaten. I find this strange for two reasons: 1) I would think that I'd be no less interesting to communicate with than anyone else. In fact, I find myself very intriguing. 2) You might think I would be a better communicationist, particularly since my livelihood involves communicating (or attempting to communicate) with people. Some might think my propensity for alienation would be debilitating. However, it is hard to argue with successfulness.

Opponent: "So, for reasons x, y, and especially z, your client is not entitled to your unrealistic, unwarranted, and frankly ridiculous demands."

Me: " I really enjoy discussing this with you. But, I'm feeling that this would work much better by moonlight."

Opponent: "Er, to reiterate, we are awaiting a more reasonable counteroffer."

Me: "They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Some time ago, we got a baby goat named "Azalea" as a companion for our first goat, but then I accidentally killed the baby while vaccinating it. You might say I loved it to death, only my love was incompetent."

Opponent: "What does this have to do with anything. Please focus on the negotiations."

Me: "I cherish these moments together. Do you think our families would enjoy meeting?"

Opponent: "What? No!"

Me: "Azalea is buried in the back yard next to my dog Zeke. My neighbor still reminds me about this. It is near the property line."

Opponent: "Where should we send the check?"

Disclaimer: The above is not literally true, except for the part about me winning negotiations and accidentally killing our baby goat and burying it in the yard next to my dog Zeke. And the part about my neighbor. And the part about alienation.

Immaculate Deception

This so-called magic bull just doesn't add up. How could a person like Paris Hilton possibly capture the attention of the American news media? She is an heiress. Who isn't? She is a drunk. Who isn't? Her blow-job video has been spread all over the internet. Whose hasn't?

She couldn't possibly do it alone. There must be an accomplice. But who?

Peach Bush

As I was driving in to work this morning, I noticed that the VW Passat in front of me had a hand-made poster that read, "Impeach Bush Now!" covering the entire back window. I couldn't help but stop and really think hard about the fact that, "That car must be a son-bitch to parallel park with that big poster blocking the back window."

The thought also crossed my mind that this particular protester, whom I could not see due to, you know, the sign, was somewhat geographically challenged even if well intentioned. The folks in charge of impeachment are at least a thousand miles from my commuting route. At most, 2 or 3 of them visit here a few times a year. I don't think this VW Passat is going to change the political direction of this country unless it goes to Washington D.C.

Further, if the Passat is really committed to its cause, there should be posters covering the front windshield and side windows as well. That would show them.

Blue Pyramid Book Quiz - A Portrait of OneEar

You're Ulysses!" by James Joyce

Most people are convinced that you don't make any sense, but compared to what else you could say, what you're saying now makes tons of sense. What people do understand about you is your vulgarity, which has convinced people that you are at once brilliant and repugnant. Meanwhile you are content to wander around aimlessly, taking in the sights and sounds of the city. What you see is vast, almost limitless, and brings you additional fame. When no one is looking, you dream of being a Greek folk hero.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Strangely, though I've tried twice, I've never been able to actually read this book!?!

Nappy Headed Hos

Rusty, the father of our children and the God of our universe, would like to sincerely apologize for some insensitive remarks made recently about the Rutgers girls' (womens'?) basketball team.

"Those are some nappy headed hos." We can see how some might have taken this as a derogatory commment. Granted, the Rutgers girls are some nappy headed hos. But, they are neither the nappiest nor the hoiest hos. A bad impression was made, and we are sincerely, sincerely apologizing on behalf of the impression maker.

He should have just left it with the ultimate insult, "They live in New Jersey."

----------

UPDATE!

Don Imus has been extinguished. Racism is dead.

Years from now, any of these young heroes will be proud to recall, "I was one of them nappy headed hos."

Jeff's Pi Memorization Tips

Here are Jeff's Pi Memorization Tips:

3 . 14159265358979323 - I still remember this much from age 16.8 - I just ate.46264 - COOL mirror image number.33 - Rhyms with tree-tree? (This speeellin of 'rhym' doesn't look right be the spelling checker okayed it.)832 - This is a popular dialing prefix in my area.795 - My dad used to have a post office box with this number.0288 - I like numbers that start with zero.4 - How many digits are in the following year?1971 - I didn't like the 70's. (In general that is.)69 - Two years earlier. (First year of CV joints on Volkswagen Beetles.)3993 - A cool mirror image number.7510 - Last number in this section5820 - the first two digit are the 7 & 5 of the last section reversed + 1.974 - A Futuristic Porsche style?944 - A Present day Porsche style!!5923 - Kind of related to the number before the Porsches.0781 - First number I like in this section.640 - Popular computer graphic screen width.628 - What is the 40 above in hex? (28!)620 - What is the 40 above divided by 2? (20!)8998 - Cool mirror image number.628 - This is the middle 600 number above repeated.0348 - Other number I like in this section.2 - How many digits follow?53 - How many weeks in a year + 1 ?421 - Three digit descending (divide by 2) number.1 - "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do!" (Three Dog Night)706 - Almost a Boeing 707 airplane !!79 - Popular computer terminal column width - 1.

Two Balloons in the Wind

Jose Can You See

Now they've really gotten my dandruff up! These furriners are going around singing our national anthem, and they're singing it Spanish! If that's not a good enough reason to pull our old pointy hats and robes out of their commemorative trophy cases, then I'm afraid that I just don't I don't know what is. My people have lived here for a long time, and this means that I am right.

How dare those furriners honor this country! If they can't sing my praises in English, then they shouldn't praise me at all. Our national anthem is a remarkable tribute to the moon landing, and the rockets red glare wasn't accomplished by a bunch of furriners (other than a few Germans, but they don't count). The last thing we need is a bunch of non-englishers mucking up our educational system.

When Columbus discovered America, he planted the stars and stripes and declared English our official language. It has been that way ever since, so get over it. Nobody wants to hear you mariaching all over the place in your gobblety gook about this great land. "Jose can you see?" Stop singing about the Estar Espangled Bannero! Why don't you just swim back to Spain and make some tacos.

Those Were the Days

I remember back when I was employed, there was this time when my boss was lecturing me about some stupid thing or another, and he said unto me, and I quote, “think outside the box.”

“Think outside the box,” I thought to myself. “I didn’t even know there was a g0d@mned box.” “He dictates idiotic memos about every other piece of feces excreted by his brain, why didn’t he send me the f^ck!ng `box’ memo?”

Fearing the reception such comments might receive, I opted to mutter, “Yus, Mastah, outside the box, Mastah.” Apparently, this was not the response Mastah hoped to receive, either. And so we agreed that he would keep his company and I would keep mine.

I have heard “think outside the box” stated several times since, and I still have no idea what it means. Is there some box that I’m not aware of? Where is this f^ck!ng box?

Of course, now that I’m an employer, I’ve come full circle. When the staff is lined up for morning inspection, part of my daily diatribe includes a directive for them to “think outside the box.” Then, I watch their eyes in hopes that they will glance toward the box and reveal its location. When they don’t, I storm off in a huff muttering, “Don’t you dare call me Mastah, inside-the-box thinkers!”

Bush Declares War on Goat-boys, Pig People

In his state of the union address tonight, President Bush declared open season on our own beloved goat-boy and the pig people project overseen by Captain Allen.

• "A hopeful society has institutions of science and medicine that do not cut ethical corners, and that recognize the matchless value of every life. Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research — human cloning in all its forms ... creating or implanting embryos for experiments ... creating human-animal hybrids ... and buying, selling, or patenting human embryos. Human life is a gift from our Creator — and that gift should never be discarded, devalued, or put up for sale."

Obviously, the President faces a stiff uphill battle in Congress. He will face off against the powerful cross-breeders lobby and other dominant chimera-related special interests. It appears that the President is truly out of touch with the general will of the Amercian people on this one.

GET YOUR RUSTY AND THE PIG PEOPLE "SO SAD" T=SHIRT