Grand Comic Design

I really cannot get enough of this Exposing Satanism website.

For today's lesson, I would like to explore how J.K. Rowling, aka Satan, is tricking so-called Christians into something or other:

There are many books out about Witchcraft but none so cleverly packaged
like the latest. Satan is up to his old tricks again and the main focus is the children of the world. The latest craze is a series of books by author J. K. Rowling, known as Harry Potter.
The scramble to get the books is not just for children. Just as many adults are amused and are absorbing the content of these books. And what is sickening, Christians, or so-called Christians, are part of the fan club. I knew nothing of Harry Potter until mail started coming in asking if it was ok for teachers in Christian schools to be reading children books about mythology and witchcraft!!!! Did you read that correctly? In Christian schools!!!!!

Obviously children have no business reading books. Books are for weighing down things that you are gluing together. But even more egregious of a sin than teaching them to read is teaching children mythology!?!

Immediately preceding the above quotation, the Exposing Satan author cites as his authority the words of a spirit quoted by Timothy:

1st. Timothy 4:1-2 Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;

When you see comedic genius such as this, it makes you wonder whether there isn't some sort of grand, comic design to the whole universe.

Alright you f^ckers.

Well, it turns out that "OneEar's High School Memories - the Game Show" was not as big of a hit as anticipated. One would have thunk that Col would have backed me up on the toy noose story, but so be it. I didn't even go into the time that the cheerleader with the fake leg kicked it off during a homecoming assembly.

So, now I'm left with college memories. OK. You asked for it.

I have a vague, cloudy recollection of a time that I and 4 or 5 of my closest friends decided to jump the fence to get into the football stadium for some reason. This sounds like a relatively easy task except for the fact that I recently had experienced knee surgery and was hobbling around on crutches.

At the time, my disability apparently did not disable me (or, perhaps I had even greater disabilities) because I threw my crutches aside and followed the rest of the idiots over the wall. (Disclaimer: I may have been the lead idiot, I really don't remember).

So, what does a group of 20 somethings do when they scale the wall and break into a football stadium? They head for the press box. I, being less nimble than the rest due to my full leg brace, stumbled along across the football field whilst the other 3-4 idiots scampered up the bleachers to the press box. As luck would have it, one of the press box windows was unclasped, and the idiot brigade managed to infiltrate the enclosure. I, of course, was still on the field hobbling ever so courageously toward my comrades. One of the fellows, we'll call him Coco, began poking at the buttons on the PA system. You've heard about chimpanzees using typewriters? Same thing. And, by some coincidence of rudimentary intelligence and luck, this fellow, we'll call him Coco, managed to turn on the Public Address system for the football stadium.

You can probably predict what happened next. After several inappropriate announcements of increasing volume, the system began feeding back into a squeal amplifed by the speakers of a football stadium (= LOUD). The chimps had no idea as to how to shut it off, nor the inclination to figure it out, so they scampered back across the field, past your limping hero, to scale the wall and leave.

There comes a time in every man's life when he is limping across a football field he has unlawfully entered around bar time wearing a leg cast whilst a PA system is screaming to all law enforcement personnel to come detain him when he asks himself, "Is there any reason why I should not kill those F^ckers?"

He Is Wackened

Oh ye of little faith (and little bodily parts (the ones that are socially valued for their largeness)). OneEar is not, neh cannot, eair shall not die! For as long as there is one fanatic, there shall be One Ear.

WIP - RIP

As you know, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the impending Rupture. But how does one prepare for the end of time/space? I’ve been studying up on quotations from all of the major religions in preparation for “the final exam.” I’ve also begun memorizing the details of some of my favorite breasts in case I need to conjure up the appropriate image in the bodiless afterlife.

Then it occurred to me: If everyone is destroyed in the Rupture, who in the Hell is going to write my obituary?!? So, I set about working on it. Obviously, it is a work-in-progress, but I've still got some time.

A celebration of the life of P. Daugel Boone, IV will be held the day after the Rupture at the sunken gardens. Mr. Boone died as a result of the end of the universe, and he is survived by nobody. There will be an open bar from 2pm until closing with no drink limits. Appetizers will include sloppy bruschetta, deviled eggs, sloppy slop con Kay’s soul, sloppy slop con carnis, sloppy slop con lechers, meat balls, goat balls, cheese balls, cheese dip, cheese logs, cheese nuggets, cheese puffs, cheesy bacon bites, cheesy potato poppers, cheesy jalapeno poppers, cheese curds, and gelatin.

Mr. Boone was born an infant suited to this world, and, in many ways, he remained that way. He was educated both in school and out and later learned lots of things otherwise. He spent numerous years in the study of difficult concepts, many of which previously were unstudied.

Mr. Boone’s first brush with fame arose from his ground-breaking work performing under the stage name “Fluffy” with the nouveaux-art-folk-noise-rock band, the Clown Squad. Boone’s musical talents were not restricted to his unique ability to forget where he was or what he was doing. “Fluffy” did not subscribe to rudimentary concepts of musical theory or practice. His special style could challenge even the most accomplished players to scratch their heads and wonder, “Does he have any idea how to play any instrument?”

Boone later wrote many award-winning books including the now famous, award-winning "Gynecological Analysis of the Enron Collapse," the seminal "How to Give Yourself Awards for Your Writing," and the award-winning career guide, "What Color is Your Pair of Shoes - Career Advice for a New Millenium From an Award-Winning Award Winner."

Of course, Boone was best known as one of the founding members and chief spokesman of the revolutionary religious institution which sucessfully synthesized all former religions and rendered them unneccessary - the First Unichurck. He also was the Chosen One. Memorial donations may be made to: First Unichurck c/o oneear.blogspot.com

Don't Make Me Come Up There

OneEar wonders aloud, "What the f^ck is going on up there?"

First, asstronauts out on a spacewalk dropped some bolts. Ok, perhaps that is excusable. We've all done that kind of thing. Working on the lawnmower and then, "Crap!," and the nut is lost forever in the long grass which is very high because the lawnmower doesn't work. I guess that could happen in space too.

Then, crew members on the space station had to don gas masks after smelling a "noxious gas." I suspect that crewman Williams, who first detected the odor, is probably to blame. I base my supposition on the "He who smelt it, dealt it" postulate.

Today, NASA reports that there is more space sh!t floating around the space shuttle Atlantis. There are some pieces of foil and two rings that are just floating there. Although it seems to happen every time, I am always a little bit worried when I end up with spare parts lying around after "fixing" my lawnmower. It usually seems to work just fine, but one has to wonder, "Is this thing going to burn up in the atmosphere?"

NASA, please consider this your last warning. If there are any more shenanigans, I am withdrawing my support for this whole damn thing.

Cowardly Comment about the number Pi spurs premature concluding post from OneEar

Back off, sheepy! Just, back off!

People Keep Asking Me Questions

SMC Announces Dividend
http://oneear.blogspot.com/2006/09/rue-looks-to-cash-in-on-sudden.html

In an effort to bolster sluggish stock sales in Send Me Cash.com, which are lagging far behind expectations, Chief Chief OneEar has announced that the company will pay investors a 15% dividend this year. For each dollar invested, the company will send back 15 cents. “Come on, guys,” says Ear, “Where else are you going to get a 15% return?”

Ear hopes that the dividend will excite lazy, good-for-nothing dot.com investors who, thus far, have shunned the fledgling company. “Does Microsoft offer a 15% dividend,” queried OneEar, “No!” “We’ve got triple digit growth, a double digit dividend, we’re young, we’re hip, we’re a dot.com…. come on guys…. .please?”

SMC’s announcement brought mixed results from Wall Street. “Who did what now?” said one leading analyst.

OneEar maintains his optimism. “Look, we’re not a Wall Street company, we’re a Main Street company. We’re not casual Friday, we’re casual everyday. We’re not top down, we’re bottoms up. You ask WHY they should send me their cash, I ask, HOW they should send me their cash.”

Ear seemed defensive when asked whether SMC actually does anything. “Does anybody really DO anything?” “Look,” continued OneEar, “You give me $1,000.00 and I will send you $150.00. Then, you only need to work for another $850.00 in order to give me another $1,000.00, at which time I’ll give you $150.00. Now, you have made $300.00, I’ve made $1,700.00 and together we have made $2,000.00 total out of your $1,850 investment. This is what is called “creating wealth.” Now, SendMeCash. What more can I say?”

Steroid Use Denied

Renowned blogger OneEar, who persists in writing in the third person, today denied any use of writing-enhancing chemicals.

"I have three extremely large testicles," claimed Ear, "and my writing simply reflects that anatomical reality."

Ear's bodily fluids will be exposed to bleach and a washcloth in order to remove them from the counter-top. Commenting on performance enhancing chemicals, Ear indicated his support for smoking them out. "I do not support mandatory drug testing," indicated Ear. "Recreational drug testing works just fine."

Ear believes this scandal is a distraction from more important issues such as how much money is being spent to kill how many people and at whom Lindsey Lohan is mad.

"This is a sad day for my family and for the sport of writing," read Ear's prepared remarks, "and my only goal is to see how we can all move forward and put this unfortunate episode behind us. Please, for the sake of the children."

Buy With a Little Help From My Friends

I need a little help here. My latest "get rich quick scheme" is to write a biography about our next President. The logistical problem, which you have probably already diagnosed, is that I don't know who to write about.

I considered writing biographies about all of the likely contenders. That, however, seemed like a lot of writing, and I don't really like to write.

Next, I considered writing a generic biography using the name "NEXTPRESIDENT" which I could then find/replace with the appropriate name. That also seemed like too much work. Plus, I like to personalize my work.

So, I am left with the only remaining solution - accurately predict the future. This too seems like too much work, so I would prefer that you do this part and I will do the rest. (I reserve the right to ask you to do some of the rest later).

Virtual Friends Nice - Real Friends Bunch of Assholes

I have tried to be nice to The Clowns. I really have tried. But I can't help but notice the difference between the warm comfort and support received from my virtual friends and the cold ridicule and criticism received from my live friends. I guess real people are, by nature, dickheads.

Book Tops Amazon 1,268,022 Seller's List

Many bibliophiles log on in the early hours of dawn to find out which book is Amazon's 1,268,022 best seller. This morning, the surprise winner of the honor went to What Color is My Pair of Shoes? Vol I Career Advice for a New Millenium from an Award Winning Award Winner!

Squeaking ahead of such formidable contenders as FATS (Food Facts) and Contrast-Enhanced Ultrasound in Clinical Practice : Liver, Prostate, Pancreas, Kidney and Lymph Nodes (Paperback), Shoes built upon its growing cult following among foot fungus fetishists to creep into the coveted 1,268,022 position.

Reviews have been glowing. One reviewer, obviously starved for more, commented only "too short." Another commentationerist could barely contain his excitement when writing, "What Color is My Pair of Shoes? Vol I is one of those very few books." Well, said.


To order your copy, see link below:
ORDER What Color is My Pair of Shoes Vol I from Amazon.com

Smell Ya Later

I'm quitting the band. Last night I went to the jam, you know, the one across the street. As usual, I ended up playing the bass because, as usual, I was the worst guitar player in the room.

Nonetheless, I have a good time when I go, and they always give me free beer which is one of my favorite brands. They have a "table tapper" which holds 110 oz and includes a frozen dildo-looking thing that keeps it cold. But, I digress.

I'm quitting the band. Last night, there was a female singer who showed up, and I am going to make her a *Star*. Her name was something, she is in her 20s, and she has an exotic accent. When I asked her from where she is, she said several words which led me to conclude that she is probably from Poland or East Germany. After concluding that it really doesn't matter, I elected not to pursue the subject.

Forget about her nationality, you've got to hear her chops. When she got up on stage, she asked the guys if they could play several songs. I think I understood the words she was saying, but none of them sounded like songs of which I had heard. Eventually, consensus arrived at "Highway to Hell." I probably haven't listed to AC/DC since 10th grade, but I have to say that the song does rock. And the eastern girl TORE IT UP! She proceeded to sing 3 or 4 songs that nobody knew, but somehow she carried it. It sounded - -- good.

This is when the lightbulb shattered in my brain. Epiphany. A band should have a singer.

Do NOT Join The New Unification Church of OneEar's Good and Holy Disciples of God

"The one true church" is The New Unification Church of Oneear's Gloriful Occity of God's Oneness (NUCO-GOGO) Do NOT be fooled into joining the New Unification Church of Oneear's Good and Holy Disciples of God (NUCO-GAHDOG). They are a bunch of phonies and heathens!

The one true church, NUCO-GOGO, holds to the core truths and does not get sidetracked in superstition and personal vendetta. Witness: There is one eternal God, a bearded carpenter, who had 3 distinct simultaneous identities: A father, a son and a ghost.

Witness: it was said that the son's mother never had sex with his dad leaving the only remaining possibility that the baby was conceived of God's sperm. And so, we drink his blood and eat his flesh and other essentials that are clarified in the Scriptures.

If the "church" you attend does not hold to these essential beliefs, you are in a cult! There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. No matter what name they use, they are not a church! This is not my opinion; it is a fact clearly explained by the writings of some of the carpenter's friends.

I wouldn't trust The New Unification Church of OneEar's Good and Holy Disciples of God as far as I could throw them. Booo to NUCO-GAHDAG!!!!!!! They are impostors.

Please, save yourself the inconvenience of damnation for all eternity - join the one true church (NUCO-GOGO not NUCO-GAHDAG).

Prerapture

Many have recognized that the rapture is upon us.
See http://www.raptureready.com/rap2.html the Rapture index

But they are misguided. What is forthcoming is not the true rapture but rather a rapturefeit. The rapture has been correctly predicted but at the wrong time. When the false rapture occurs, many will not understand that it is a fake, and they will think that rapture is upon us. When the rapture does not truly occur, they will become angry and will be ridiculed, and this will split people into two tribes, the last precursor of the true Rupture which will follow shortly thereafter. It is pretty basic.


"These are they which follow the One Eared Lamb whithersoever He goeth. These were redeemed from among men, being the first fruits unto God and to the One Eared Lamb" (Revelations 14:4).



Sign up for my "Rupture Notification" if you would like for me to let you know when the true final rapture is upon us. I will circulate a mass email to let everyone know. (Make sure you adjust your email filter settings).