Fear Not, Goat-Petters: There is a Problem with Hell

Goat-petters, you may be persuaded to "die in Hell" because of OneEar's persuasive persuasion, but there are a few things that should be considered. Well, perhaps only one.

Be that as it may, as a frequent recipient of said "petting" by "goat" "petters", I would like to dispel any fears any potential "petters" may have, and I would also stand in the way of any sort of campaign of fear, such as that of OneEar's latest intimating that goat petters may "die in Hell".

You see, even if goat petters wanted to "die in Hell", there is a problem. Evidently, logic is unable to locate Hell. How is one supposed to go there to die, if it can't be found? There are goats that need petting, and this can't likely be accomplished if one were to spend all of his time looking around the stacks of logic and reasoning to no avail.

And this raises a larger issue: If no one can find Hell in the wider arena of sensible thinking, what about religion? You just can't have religion with no Hell. Catholics caught on to that right from the beginning. Why do you think they paid Dante so much for his architectural designs? Religion with no Hell is worse than a chick-flick with no obligatory sex-scene: no one will be able to con their boyfriends/husbands into watching. It's simply a non-option to the intellectually honest.

The implications of this shine an unwanted spotlight on institutions such as our own "ChurcK", and one might think that OneEar may have chosen to think before posting, rather than during.

All of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon... in the middle... of the road.
And he said:

"Play the best song in the world, or I'll eat your soul."

Die In Hell Goat-Petters

I was at a zoo recently with my children, and you would not believe what I saw: people petting goats! Right out in the public! And children were doing it too, right in front of their parents! I couldn't believe my eyes. Multiculturalism is ruining this country.

Non-religion is just as much of a religion as religion. It is simple. If you don't believe in the supernatural, then you have a supernatural belief in the non-supernatural. Either way, you believe in the supernatural.

Let's come at it from another angle. Say you don't believe in angles. Well, then how could there be "another" angle. There has to be an angle in order to be another angle. Likewise, you can't have an evidence-based system unless you believe in the absence of evidence, ie faith.

When you push it far enough, any of the secular humanist "laws" of physics are only established as matters of faith. Gravity, after all, is just a theory. Just because you fell down before, that doesn't mean you will fall the next time you, well, fall. You must admit that it is entirely possible that you will fly off like Superman the next time you stumble. But no, you take it on faith that you will fall, so you put your hands out to protect your face. The same goes for religion.

God has dictated very clearly that goat-petting is wrong. Satan has the hooves of a goat. Goats are used in pagan sacrifices. I could go on and on.

Yet despite the clear and unambiguous word of God, some people cannot resist the temptation to pet goats. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I've never thought about petting goats myself. But I did not act on those desires because God told me not to and I knew that was the devil creeping into my thoughts to make me do evil.

Awkward Paws

I've become accustomed to the fact that nobody likes to correspond with me for very long. Not long into a dialogue, there is often an awkward pause which typically seems to occur after I have taken my turn. Then, watches will be examined, pens will be placed back into pockets, papers will be stacked and placed into portfolios, and hasty retreats will be beaten. I find this strange for two reasons: 1) I would think that I'd be no less interesting to communicate with than anyone else. In fact, I find myself very intriguing. 2) You might think I would be a better communicationist, particularly since my livelihood involves communicating (or attempting to communicate) with people. Some might think my propensity for alienation would be debilitating. However, it is hard to argue with successfulness.

Opponent: "So, for reasons x, y, and especially z, your client is not entitled to your unrealistic, unwarranted, and frankly ridiculous demands."

Me: " I really enjoy discussing this with you. But, I'm feeling that this would work much better by moonlight."

Opponent: "Er, to reiterate, we are awaiting a more reasonable counteroffer."

Me: "They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Some time ago, we got a baby goat named "Azalea" as a companion for our first goat, but then I accidentally killed the baby while vaccinating it. You might say I loved it to death, only my love was incompetent."

Opponent: "What does this have to do with anything. Please focus on the negotiations."

Me: "I cherish these moments together. Do you think our families would enjoy meeting?"

Opponent: "What? No!"

Me: "Azalea is buried in the back yard next to my dog Zeke. My neighbor still reminds me about this. It is near the property line."

Opponent: "Where should we send the check?"

Disclaimer: The above is not literally true, except for the part about me winning negotiations and accidentally killing our baby goat and burying it in the yard next to my dog Zeke. And the part about my neighbor. And the part about alienation.

Bodaciousa

Important Boudica discussion

Thuperman

Hope this complies with the gasbag, or whatever it's called, movie review regulations.

There were some real 2006 themes to this latest iteration of the classic WWII anti-Nazi (sorry Ono) DC Comics hero. Openly "happy" director Bryan Singer (X-Men) has put together a good, though long, long, long ("happy" people like it long, or so I'm told) movie with some intriguing subplots. Let's get right to it:

1. Superman is gay. Between Lex Luthor "stabbing him in the back" with his "blade of Kryptonite" and his completely gauche fashion sense, the viewer is constantly nudged toward this conclusion. The viewer is also asked to see Superman as a representative of the superbeing hidden away in the souls of all closeted homosexuals. 'If only he could be set free! Where is that closet key?' Feces. But there's one little problem with this conclusion. One little five-year-old problem, which leads us to subplot #2

2. Superman has a kid. Well, that certainly calls into question the conclusion of #1, but, everyone makes mistakes, right? If you drink too much tequila in Tijuana, you might get drunk enough to pork a donkey, right? I'm sure he didn't enjoy that slut, Lois Lane. Just because you lay on your back and open your legs doesn't make you attractive, does it? Maybe she left her shirt on and lay on her stomach. We may never know.
The trouble is, the kid is a snot-nosed, spastic asthmatic with every allergy known to man, a-la-daycare poster-child for 2006. Superman was raised on a farm and milked cows (cows, not brokeback cowboys) and his kid is a cellphone-toting, Gucci backpack-wearing helpless little twerp, which is mere subterfuge to get the viewer to logically conclude that the boy is the son of the wiener-faced boss's son. (This guy also played the wiener-faced cuckold in our "happy" director's other superhero movie, X-Men--do you think his Happiness is subtley mocking the futility of the traditional familial male role in society? Talk about type-casting for wiener-face--two superhero movies with the same director in the same season, and he's getting screwed over by his woman in both movies. Wow. Sorry Ono, but he DOES look a LOT like you.) Which brings us to the third, and final for now (wheeew!) subplot,

3. The Man of Steel is an evolutionary parasite, rather than the openly symbolic Christ-figure (His father gave his only son to save humanity, etc., blah-blah, you got it in the first few movies). Please refer to #2: Thuperman goes straight for a night, supersperm knock-up that drunken floozy reporter-lady, but he's just playing! Even when he finds out that the kid's his--the child's first super-act is to kill a man with a piano (nice fathering, Superfag)--he basically tells Lois, in his Peter-Pannist tone and tights,
'Good luck! Heeheee! Let wiener-face raise him and be his "dad". Heehee!'
I mean, I hate wiener-face as much as the next guy, but he doesn't deserve to have his DNA propagation ripped off by a sneaky, shitty slight-of-hand (voice of Lois Lane, harlot extraordinaire, 'Oh, of course he's your son, Richard. Did I ever love Superman? Everyone loved Superman. Especially during his Saturday night super orgies. Except me. I never did.' Sheeah. Right. Ho.) Wiener-face will never get another role in Hollywood; he'll always play the victim of Luke Longdick.

So, in summary, a very "modern" version of a WWII classic. Well-done, and the homosexual undercurrents certainly make it thought-provoking. Worth the ten bucks.

Let's get back to Marxism for a moment

(with all due respect to that clickety-clackety trooper, Mila)


WASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

Sen. Boxer pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to
guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The
legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more
difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory
interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or
"Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" "As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each
and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some
sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Look--how about some practical reviews?

Alright, these "gasbag" reviews of "books" are nice and everything, but who really needs practical advice about whether or not to read a book? I think we all know the answer to that question.

So, why not have a review of some recent movies? That way, you may save some money waiting for the DVD release.

Let's start with X-Men III, The Last Stand. Huge potential, miserable disappointment. The first two really were comic booky, this one is as gay as pink on parade. Save your money. The only potential saving grace was Dr. Jean Grey, who is exceptionally hot, but she seemed to have some sort of skin and eye problem in this episode.

Let's move next to, and wrap up with, Thank you for smoking . Worth the ten bucks just to see Tom Cruiseseses' wife faking sex with a non-Christian scientist. Great dark humor.

Next time: Girls Gone Wild, Co-ed Try-outs.