Braking News

King of Rock.

A woman in Colorado has had revealed to her a rock enshrined with the image of Elvis Aaron Presley. This is one of the most important findings since the Virgin Mary appeared in a burrito.

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Blow Job

A Virginia man who was making home-made fireworks, probably in preparation for Munitions Day, blew up his garage. Please remember: blowing up one's own home is one of the risks associated with making home-made fireworks at home.

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Paris and Nicole

Reowned blogger OneEar cannot tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. According to Ear, "They may both be Lindsey Lohan.

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Immaculate Deception

This so-called magic bull just doesn't add up. How could a person like Paris Hilton possibly capture the attention of the American news media? She is an heiress. Who isn't? She is a drunk. Who isn't? Her blow-job video has been spread all over the internet. Whose hasn't?

She couldn't possibly do it alone. There must be an accomplice. But who?

Free Paris

The Free Paris Petition shows the truly awesome power of the internet. Truly awesome.

Code Rut-Ro Runs Into a Zoinks!

You've got your upside and then you've got your downside. There's the rub.

The First Unichruck is trying to re-originate the Western black rhino (Codename Rut-Ro). As noted previously, in order to originate this sub-species of rhino, somebody needs to get f^cked by an Eastern black rhino. The problem arises because all of the suggested recipients of a good rhino-f^cking are people whose characteristics one would not want to reproduce in the rhino population.

Case in point - Ronald Dumsfeld. Granted, he could use a good rhino-f^cking. He'd probably enjoy it. "Give it to me, you big, horny liberator," he'd probably say. But, do we really want a species of rhinos that are as short-sighted, unsympathetic and fanatical as Dumsfeld?

Others have suggested that Paris Hilton might accomodate a good rhino-f^cking. Probably true, but there are two problems: 1) you can't impregnate via the mouth and 2) the rhino offspring would be unbearable. I'd probably shoot one myself just to keep it off of the airwaves.

We must find someone who could accomodate a good rhino-f^cking but who would not harm the disposition of the rhino species. Who?