Rustianist officials have announced that they will be conducting a test of the AWARE rupture warning system. People, (one), have been worried that the Rupture might have occurred unbeknownst to them (him). Fear not!
The AWARE broadcast system has been implemented to preclude just such an occurrence. Each subscriber will receive a specially coded email message indicating the following details: 1) Whether the Rupture is upon us, and 2) How many minutes until we all perish. From this information, subscribers can make an informed decision about whether to attempt one last sexual encounter or to simply opt for a quick visit to some porn sites for a masturbation session. In the worst case scenario, subscribers will simply receive the old chestnut of a sentiment, "bend over and kiss your ass goodbye."
The AWARE system will be tested beginning tomorrow at 6:45 am and running for the next 94 days. It is the sincere hope of everyone at Rusty Enterprises that the actual Rupture does not occur during testing, because that will screw everything up.
Testes, testes, is this thing working? Guilfoyle.
5 comments:
I received an "end is near" email today. I defecate you not.
The message went on to offer an unrefusable deal in obtaining an advance degree. But, I had to ask myself, will there be time?
Please advise
That's it, I'm removing anonymity privileges. You have spoiled it for everyone.
The AWARE system is a, uh, Godsend! For a while there, I thought I was the only asshole left behind.
I was really worried when, after four days and four nights, I noticed that my wife wasn't around. False alarm, as it turns out--she claims she was over in Nevada playing bingo.
One question: Will these "specially coded emails" be in Da Vinci or some other code?
We use the Code of Hammurabi -
Eg. "If a man has accused another of laying a kispu upon him, but has not proved it, the accused shall go to the sacred river, he shall plunge into the sacred river, and if the river shall conquer him, he that accused him shall take possession of his house. If the sacred river shall show his innocence and he is saved, his accuser shall be put to death. He that plunged into the sacred river shall appropriate the house of him that accused."
Loosely translated, this means, "learn how to swim."
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