The Official History of the Rusty Sessions

OK, so, well, erm, there are some, shall we say, how do I put this, discrepancies in the collective memories of the Clown Squad.  Below is a good guess.  There is no consensus, nor shall it ever be thusly.

2024 - Guilty on All Counts Sun Ninja Rusty - Fernandina Beach, FL.  Alceste was right.

2023 -  Le Rusty à Montréal - Je ne sais quoi, je ne sais pas porquoi. 

2022 -  Amelia Island, FL - Superspreader Rusty.   Quarantine schmuarantine.

2021 -  Mount Vernon, WI - Life Lessons Rusty. 800lbs of Ice yet Iceless, Canoe Dragging, Sore Ass Rusty.

2020-  Ogdensbumf^ck, NY - SARS Cov2 Can't Stop Rusty. Gilligan's Island Photoshoot.  Pontoon boat.  River Kayaks.

2019 - Reno, NV.  Convalescent napping Rusty.  Cinco de Reno. Gambling.  Legal-eyes it. 

2018 - Pound Ridge, NY.  Make Rusty Grate Again.

2017 - Ocean City, MD.  The Real Clowns of OC.

2016 -   New Milford, PA.  Endless Anti-Rusty.
 2016 - Boston, MA.  Markless Rusty.

2015 - Chicago, IL.  All-festivaled-out Rusty.

2014 - Pound Ridge, NY.  Portalet Rusty.

2013 - Thompson PA, right? 

2012 - Boulder, CO. Guilfoyle, Guilfoyle.

2011 - Philadelphia, PA.  Liberty Bell Rusty. DokBok gets a fan.

2010 - Boston, MA.  Boston Massacre Rusty.  Blood all over Boston.  Squad meets Steven Tyler, OneEar turns down offer to join Aerosmith.

2009 - Los Angeles, CA -  Dylan McKay Rusty starring DokBok's neighbors

2008 - Mount Vernon, Wisconsin. OneEar turns 40, DocBok closes the Yellow Bar forever. Amps don't work, fire won't light, Bundespanties leaves early.

2007- Baton Rouge/New Orleans

2006 -  Lake Zurich, IL Dogtrack Rusty

2005- Baton Rouge/New Orleans LA. Fais Do Do Rusty.

2004 - Rhode Island/Cape Cod.  You're gonna need a bigger boat Rusty.

2003 - Baton Rouge/New Orleans.  Cocoa loses his Camera.

2002 - Boston ($1500.00 Rusty)

2001 - Wisconsin.

2000 - Somewhere north of Chicago.

1999- Nags Head, North Carolina.  Sandy Rusty.

1998 - Mount Vernon, Wisconsin.  Break in the leg Rusty.

1998 - Williamsburg VA-Not-a-Rusty Rusty

1997 - ???

1996-Different Cabin in Ohio

1995-Rusty Never Sleeps - Cabin in Ohio - featuring Jammin Johnny B, Bo-Bonna, Aislinn, and the Grosse Jacket.

1994-Mount Vernon, Wisconsin.  Break in the house Rusty.

1993- Arlington, VA.  Bear-den Rusty.

1992- Chicago, Illinois.  The First Official Authorized and Universally Recognized Rusty Session.

1991 - Chicago, Illinois. Pre-Planning meeting -20 year plan for Rusty Sessions developed, Articles of ConfettiRusty adopted.

Point of Odor

The First Unichurck has experienced a surprising lack of momentum as a religion. We don't really know how all of the others have pulled it off, but the Scientologists, the Christians, the Heaven's Gate et al seem to have something that we are missing - worshippers. No matter how many Great Ideas (TM) I post, I'm still not getting rich from this blog. What is the point of religion if I can't profit from it?

So, I'm taking the FU in a new direction. What is the next most popular thing after eternal life? Food.

Henceforth and heretofore, this site shall be known as the First Unification Church of Kooking (First Unichurck).

TCS - The Real Clowns of OC

I am an experience in your life

May I Interest You In A Safety Razor?

ARE YOU READY TO RUUUUUUUUSTY?!?

Rusty, Rusty
Four-legged fool
you bathe yourself in a pool full of drool
Rusty

Rusty, Rusty
He's our man
If he can't record it,
Nobody can
That's Rusty

Where Have They Gone?

Abu Gogo

Date: Tue, 3 May 2005 11:35:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Dodo's song
Did anyone happen to catch Sunday’s 60 Minutes segment about the hobbit people? As you will recall, last year, a team of Australian archaeologists working on the Indonesian island of Flores uncovered the skeletons of a species of 3 foot tall humanoids who had bow legs, flat feet, nice teeth, and a little tiny brain. The skeletons were uncovered alongside the remains of gigantic rats and miniature elephants. Researchers deduce that the little people used stone tools, fire and cooperative hunting techniques. From the cooperative hunting techniques, it has been inferred that the little people used a rudimentary form of language known as “Loud Off-Key Singing.” The resemblance is starting to get spooky.
On a different matter, I am arranging for a pay-per-view match between that bride-to-be from Georgia who kidnapped herself to New Mexico and the silly UW Madison student who hid in the swamp for a week while pretending to be missing. It will be a timed game of hide and seek with teammates Tonya Harding and the recently rediscovered Jane Fonda, and it will take place in the Atchafalayaya Swamp near that Fais-do-do bar. If you are interested in investing in this project, please let me know.

Subject: RE: Dodo's song
I forgot to mention my original point - Flores islanders indicate that the little people have been around recently, and they call them "Abu Gogo" which translates into "DokBok Goatboy." DokBok Goatboys are very hairy and short, only about 3-feet high. One islander indicates "the women have very long breasts, which they used to throw over their shoulders. They also had very wide mouths." "If we think about them, they are not nice people at all. Abu Gogo means 'very greedy.' They used to eat everything." During holiday ritual celebrations, the "Abu Gogo" comes out of the bushes and scares the children.

Which brings me to my question - should I turn him in?


Date: Tue, 3 May 2005 09:37:25 -0700 (PDT)
From: Coco_no_gogo
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
I think that we are misssing an opportunity for
merchandising. I remember in college I used to get mad and drink
alot. I used to think that we just needed an idea like
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that we could turn
into some sort of lucrative business. Salmon Boy and
the Monkey Platoon never quite caught on but these
"Abu Gogo" might just be the answer. Let's not "out" DokBok without the proper fanfare.
Everyone create one "Abu Gogo" character and we will
work out the story. We can even work in elements of Salmon Boy and the
Monkey Platoon and the feared but respected giant
hairy creature "Mookie(TM)".

They also need a theme song. If we time it right, we may even be able to take
advantage of the "Intelligent Design"/evolution debate
that's playing out in Kansas and make our characters
part of the Kansas Science Curriculum.
Who's with me?

Date: Tue, 3 May 2005 12:53:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
Done, Coco. My character is a pedophilic outlaw roller-derby player. His costume consists of licorice bikini, top hat, and feather boa, and his trademark saying is, "Here kiddy, kiddy, kiddy." I'm thinking his name will be DokBok GoatBoy.
I'll work on the theme song.

Date: Tue, 3 May 2005 11:51:25 -0700 (PDT)
From: Alceste
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
My proposed action figure is an overweight, eyeglass wearing school teacher with a hawaiian shirt. His secret weapon is a shit smudge. Also, he is constantly drunk, rude and slightly smelly. The action figure comes with an "action kit". The kit contains two spare livers, a tube of preparation H, adult wipes and a bong.

Date: Tue, 3 May 2005 14:59:09 -0400 (EDT)
From: OneEar
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
We're off to a good start:

Abu Gogo
Baboomba Ma Mojo
Da Hooha Da Dodo
Abu Gogo

Hey, you little, hairy, zany hominids!
I refuse to put my feet in any shoes but yours!!
I’d rather rather bleed from every orifice with Ebola or Marburg than to brush my teeth with anything but an Abu Gogo electric toothbrush,
And I love your cereal and your action figures!!

Abu DokBok
Da liddle scary goat-wok
Wit liddle liddle peecock
Abu DokBok

Abu Smello
Drungy Teechu Tello
Da pupu da beegto
Abu Smello

Hey, you little, fuzzy, stupid prehumans!
I really dig your sheets and bathroom sets!!!
I can’t bear the thought of life without a complete set of Abu Gogo trading cards!!!
And I can’t wait to get the implants and throw them over my shoulders

Date: Tue, 3 May 2005 15:03:49 -0400
From: Ono
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
My proposed action figure will be a overly polite young man of strict
upbringing with a bad habit of leaving fun events early and nervously
cupping his balls though his pantspockets. His secret power will be an
ability to fart and blame it on others. His costume will be shorts,
black socks and white tennis shoes and a utility fanny pack with maps,
sparre change in differen currencies, lip balm, xray/sunglasses that
cover up regular glasses (like Coco used to have), a club magzine and ky
for stress relief.

Date: Tue, 3 May 2005 15:09:28 -0400 (EDT)
From: OneEar
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
Abu Pupu
Paakit Pulpuul
Bybye PeeYu
Abu Pupu


Date: Tue, 3 May 2005 15:11:49 -0700 (PDT)
From: Coco
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
Now that is what I am talking about. Let's keep it
rolling!!
I spent the afternoon working on some drawings to help
bring the characters to life. I have access to some
animation technology and that really helped. I am no
artist but I think that I have at least given us a
good start. See attached.




Date: Tue, 03 May 2005 15:20:45 -0700
From: DokBok
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
Look, Counselor, I thought you said 'abu googoo' means 'DokBok Goatboy'. Then you said an islander said it means 'very greedy'. Well, which is it? Do you want that I freeze, or that I get down on the ground? 'Causin if'n I gets down on the ground, well, I'll likely be in motion.
I think your credibility is starting to waver.

do you think children would be more scared of someone their own size, or a big furry gin-soaked Wookie with not particularly fra fur? This story of yours is getting sketchier by the moment. The authorities will never buy it.

I'm sure the African American community will love the idea of a "Mookie (TM)".

Date: Tue, 3 May 2005 15:40:05 -0700 (PDT)
From: Coco
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
There is nothing offensive about Mookie(TM).
I have discovered a page dedicated to Mookie the Dog.
It turns out that Mookie leaks urine as a result of a
botched neutering.
www.golden-retriever.com/mookie-gric.htm
Needless to say I think our Mookie(TM) should be a
leaker as well. This story is really starting to write
itself.

Date: Tue, 3 May 2005 19:49:03 -0400
From: Ono
Subject: Re: Dodo's song
DokBok, your character will be called "Polacck" who believes that ever girl in the bar is in love with him. His special powers is a grasp of thousand of inane factoids and the ability to have multiple orgasms.


Date: Wed, 4 May 2005 12:19:38 -0400 (EDT)
From: OneEar
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
I am merely repeating the facts reported by 60 minutes. Abu Gogo translates literally into "very greedy but with a grapefruit sized brain." It is only when translating this into English for the Polish phrase "little man with insatiable appetite, small penis and smaller brain" that one arrives at the referenced translation.
The 60 Minutes piece also explicitly referenced scaring children. It did not explain exactly what the children feared, but I think we all know.

Date: Wed, 04 May 2005 09:25:16 -0700
From: DokBok
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
which one am I? the short one with hair? (read: 'short, hairy people')


Date: Wed, 04 May 2005 09:25:25 -0700
From: DokBok
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
Oh, he's a leaker, alright. Oh, they'll be hot, alright. Chief.

Date: Wed, 04 May 2005 09:28:42 -0700
From: DokBok
Subject: Re: Dodo's song
Ono,
Thanks for your generous character description. But, I noticed that Alceste and you both came up with your own characters/powers, yet I have been assigned one, foregoing the fact that this all STARTED with my original character, the aforementioned 'Abu googoo', who is either 'greedy, eating everything' or 'DokBok Goatboy', depending upon whom you believe. Try to keep up, Panties, your making the group look bad.

Date: Wed, 4 May 2005 09:50:30 -0400 (EDT)
From: OneEar
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
Correction noted, DokBok. I will use your proper name in my correspondence with the Board of Medical Examiners regarding your recent misdiagnosis. It turns out I have been walking around for a week on a fractured tibia, and though my leg may heal, I'm not sure my trust in society or the medical profession ever will.

Date: Wed, 4 May 2005 12:55:34 -0400
From: Ono
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
DokBok - OneEar is right about you being greedy - everybody else has only one character, but you of course have to have two. we don't like those apples at all mister

Date: Wed, 04 May 2005 10:19:16 -0700
From: DokBok
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
Look, the amount of misinformation flying around the clowns is disturbing: OneEar didn't say I'm greedy, a bunch of Islanders who don't know me and haven't even met me think I'm greedy. Please try to extricate yourself from the clown-rumor mill.

Date: Wed, 04 May 2005 10:36:18 -0700
From: DokBok
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
Coco, More animations, please. You're off to a roaring start and we need to take advantage of this momentum. This may be the break we've been looking for.

Date: Wed, 4 May 2005 13:52:18 -0400
From: IckyBooBoo
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
The animations have an interesting 3-Deffect that I have found is enhanced by large quantities of gin. Nice touch,Coco.

Date: Wed, 04 May 2005 11:28:22 -0700
From: DokBok
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
OneEar, gin?

Date: Fri, 6 May 2005 13:40:38 -0400 (EDT)
From: OneEar
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
But back to the point, given the 17,000 or so South Pacific islands with various inhabitants, it is awe-inspiring to ponder how many different derogatory phrases there must be for "DokBok Goatboy."
Oh, this mysterious and wonderful world in which we're living.

Date: Fri, 06 May 2005 11:05:38 -0700
From: DokBok
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
I hope you get a flat tire on your power scooter just at an inopportune moment.

Date: Tue, 10 May 2005 10:41:47 -0400 (EDT)
From: OneEar
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
DokBok; Our group would be much stronger and more cohesive if we all worked together. You should not spend all of your time tearing down when you could be building up. I'm sure that the degree of your greed is exaggerated by the South Pacific Islanders. See, isn't that nice?

Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 07:36:48 -0700
From: DokBok
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
Look, why is it that just because I am a little (no pun intended) "shorter" than average, and most people would agree that I am a different "species" and I may be a little "greedy" that you clowns are ganging up on me? You all act like there's something wrong with that. I mean, for God's sake, I'm sure Alceste has found a Homo Florensias porn site and masturbated to it's images. Imagine, Alceste, a 3 foot tall hairy woman with a flat head and big ears--who could ask for more?

Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 07:41:31 -0700 (PDT)
From: Alceste
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
Mmm Mmm. Flat heads are hot By the way, my boy is 1 today

Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 16:17:41 -0400 (EDT)
From: OneEar
Subject: RE: Dodo's song
Alceste, you are a wonderful person, and you should not feel the least bid ashamed about masturbating to head images, regardless of the flatness.
DokBok, do not worry about being so small. You still have a right to exist, just like normal people. Take pride in knowing that, perhaps, somewhere, someone is masturbating to an image of your flat head.
IckyBooBoo, do not be so sad. I am sure you have other friends who are not quite so stupid or childish.
AlcesteII, happy 1st birthday. It is all downhill from there.

A search for Number One

Rhythm Section

Skip to 4:19 and diagnose the disorder!

July 12, 2013

are you ready to Rusty?

Sweet Jesus, help us all.  I googled "rusty" on images, and the first four images were from this blog.  Lordy, lordy, lordy.  I ain't never seen such a thing.

Nil Is Nigh

OK, you have successfully taunted me out of retirement.

Here is the scoop.

#1 - The world is coming to an end.  I think that is self-explanatory.
#2 - The Presidential election is 6 days away.  Most importantly,
#3 -  The 20th Annual Rusty Sessions to be held in Boulder, CO is only 9 days away.

As for the special guest, would you consider it special if I pretended to be someone else for the entire visit?

Show-down in Boulder!

The Mini-guitar v. The 'Surprise' Guest.

I say 'Game On, MoFo'

But I guess time will be the ultimate arbiter.

Peace and safe travels, fellow voyagers.  The End is Nigh!

Don't pass me by, don't make me cry; don't make me blue

Anxiously awaiting to hear whether OneEar and Cocoa will allow me to violate their sanctity this weekend.  Oh, how they torture me.

not everyone here is weird, I guess

now at least I know how to help make some important decisions

Things I forgot to tell you

Willie Nelson was tragically killed by a hit-and-run driver in front of his suburban house last night. Apparently, Willie was playing on the road again.

I am very concerned about the rampant peanut allergies I keep hearing about. Last night, one of the moms from One Jr.'s basketball team told me that her son has a very dangerous peanut allergy. She showed me where to find his epi-pen. I was struck dumb.

First, why is everyone suddenly allergic to peanuts? When I was a kid, peanut butter was a universally accepted staple. Now it is a hazardous substance. This seems like an extraordinarily fast evolution in the defense mechanism of the peanut.

Second, what is the danger? Peanuts always give me gas. Is this what they are talking about? I learned about the hazards of eating legumes from Mel Brooks' "Blazing Saddles, " but I never let farting stop me from playing basketball. Why do you think they invented those long shorts that vent the gas down farther away from nose level?

Third, since when is some stranger who agrees to coach basketball qualified to give your son an injection? I considered telling her, "Oh thanks, here is my son's jock itch cream, but make sure none gets on his hands or it will make the ball slippery."

I tell ya, I do. Yep. Its something.

http://socialitelife.com/photos/30-photos-of-children-terrified-of-santa/santa-kids-12082010-28

Old Saint Carp Is In Da House

Twas the night before Munitions Day
N' all through ma crib
All ma peeps wuz down sleepin'
I was bonin' Adam's rib

Yah, ma peeps wuz down dreamin'
Bout the sh!t they be eatin'
But the Missuz and I wuz
A havin' a board meetin'

When down in da hole
They arose such a noize
I said, "Damn racket packet,
Dat must be ma boyzzzz."

So I pulled up ma trousers
Ta go check on ma homies
N' I cocked up ma uzi
Just in case of the gnomies

When what to my bloodshotted
Eyes should I see
But a big colored fish
N' he was looking at me.

He was giant N' ugly
N' smelled somethin' terrible
N' he laffed when he saw me
N' his breaf was unbearable

Had to choke back da vomit
Creepin' up in ma troat
When he suddenly gave birth
To a large candied goat

The goat was encased
In a gelatin sack
And it squirmed and it jiggled
Like ma neighbor on crack.

Then the fish layed some sacks
Of munitions and bombs,
Gelatiny dynamite
N' bags of napalm.

Well, I'd had me enough
Soon my uzi was purrin'
But da carp, he just laffed
N' pissed gasoline urine.

Then out of the cellar
Like giant earth worms
Came a slimy skateboard
Pulled by mini-pachyderms

The carp he called out
To that elephant show
"Get your assess in gear,
Cuz' dis place gonna blow."

Dem' elephants started burrowin',
he called them by name:
"On Stumpy, On Gimpy,
On Limpy and Lame;

Now Burny and Other Limpy
Now Crippled and Smelly;
On Crawler, On Mauler,
On Napalmy Gelly."

The carp stopped and dropped
One more bomb, and he laffed
Then he flushed his whole team
Down the dark, dirty shaft."

And I heard him exclaim,
As they sloshed down the pit,
"Get the Hell out of here
Before it all blows to sh!t."

In One Ear

Don't you kids make me pull this car over...

Moments before the rubberband snapped!

The World Seems to be Catching On

Look what I found--ON THE INTERNET!!! Seems like someone really likes our music, or religion, or is making a play at a hostile takeover. To Arms, Clowns! To Arms!

Did You Say Hipster Bar or Hamster Bar?

You may recall that, during the build-up to the most recent Rusty Sessions held last summer in Phlipadelphia, my good friend and apostle Coco requested, some would say demanded, that we include in our itinerary a "hipster" bar. At the time, I did not give his suggestion much thought, as is my wont. I didn't know what the term "hipster" meant, but I knew that I'd regret putting in the effort to find out.

It reminds one of reading Shakespeare as a high school student. I remember my AP English teacher flipping out one day when nobody had the slightest fucking idea what a particular passage meant. My normal practice in high school was to read the Cliff's Notes as I drove in to school. This made more interesting both exploring the bard and dodging pedestrians. On this particular morning, my old nemesis the broken fuel gauge had delayed my arrival to school. My friend who rode in to school with me and I had to push the car a few blocks to a gas station and then to wait until we saw someone who would lend us a few bucks. I arrived slightly later and less literate than usual.

There was the teacher yelling at the class for failing to understand some segment of As You Like It. I'm not sure what everyone else's excuse was. Most of them had cars with working fuel gauges, so it is hard to guess why they hadn't read their Cliff's notes. Anyway, while the teacher was berating us, I had time to take out the actual book and read the passage he was screaming about. I still had no clue. (One didn't dare bring out the Cliff's notes in class). Supposedly the best author in the English language and I can't even guess at what he is trying to tell me. Why? Because it was obscure, and I didn't give a shit.

If something is obvious, then one doesn't need to give a shit. Kim Kardashian is a skanky whore. I understand that even though I don't care. If one gives a shit, then obscurity only causes mild delay in understanding. If you are interested in a measure of the global economy, check out the Baltic Dry Index. However, in situations with a high degree of non-shit-givedness, even the slightest amount of obscurity causes a complete failure of understanding. This is known as OneEar's Seventh Law of Shetyerass.

In the case of Coco and his longing for a hipster bar - I'd have to figure out what a hipster bar is, then I'd have to figure out why Coco was interested, then I'd have to predict whether I'd give a shit. Given the twice removed obscurity, I quickly concluded that it would be extremely unlikely that I would give enough of a counterbalancing shit. I think this may mean that I am a hipster.

Four-Legged Fool's Eve's Eve

There are serious concerns that this year's Rusty will be cut short mid-stroke

Leave it to Doomsday to ruin everything. I guess we can have a five-month party afterward, though.

Are YOU ready to Rusty?

Anticipation

Anticipation

Anticipation

By Popular Demand, Happy St. Patrick's Day

As I've been telling you all for years

http://www.theonion.com/articles/anthropologists-trace-human-origins-back-to-one-la,19191/

This Little Piggy

I've been trying to figure out how to capitalize on the fact that our fiscal irresponsibility is driving us directly and inevitably into bankruptcy. There must be a way to cash in on this, but, short of turning Chinese, I can't figure out what it is.

Munitions may be a wise investment. There is a decent chance that we'll need to shoot our way out of this mess.

However, because we have a "democracy," and because our enterprises are publicly owned, those that hold our debt also hold a decent amount of our equity and also own a decent number of our representatives.

So, what is the proper bet?

I've decided to look for the solution in the only logical place: I'm having my toes read.
http://www.letsasklinda.com/Toe-Reading.html

Sleeves Are For Pussies

I decided to break out the Rusty Sleeveless Tee today.

Trust me, nothing garners respect and admiration quite like a Rusty Sessions sleeveless T, (supplies limited). Wear it when the temperature is below 0 degrees, and your nipples will be good and hard, as will the nipples on your goose-bumps.

I strut into Walmart like I just won the scratch off. The ladies eye me like hungry goats eyeing some sort of goat feed container filled with goat food.

"Confident, proud, sleeveless," I imagine the checkout girls saying to each other as I stride into the store.

As I approach, they see the portrait of a one-eared sheep on my chest. Obviously a principled man, certainly great, but humble. As I pass, they catch the first glimpse of the rooster on the back. "The Cock."

"Where has he gone?" all of the checkout girls wonder anxiously as I disappear into the labyrinth of clothing aisles.

When I reappear with a pair of sweat pants obtained from the clearance rack, and I approach the checkout area, there is a swoon so distinct as to be audible.

"Did you find everything you need," asks the girl lucky enough to check me out.

"I did now," I say with a wink.

She blushes and shyly places the change into the palm of my hand. I smile and slowly turn. She strikes a coy pose and watches longingly as the Cock gently splits the sliding glass doors and thrusts into the bright afternoon sunlight to disappear.

That is one good fucking shirt.

What Do You Propose?

#1 - Legalize it.
#2 - End the Fed. This cancer has turned malignant.
#3 - Downsize defense. Every foreign crisis which causes US investor loss does not implicate the "common defense."
#3 - Outlaw public unions. They are oxymoronic.
#4 -Flat tax (or possibly Fair tax).
#5 -Make Dept of Ed simply a funding mechanism that enforces simple workable criteria - eg. Year around school, 8 hour school day including rec/sports and extracurriculars, 80% graduation rate = $5k/student.
#6 - Phase out all Ag subsidies. If you want to support corn growers, buy corn.
#7 - Reform Medicare. Vouchers used in conjunction with co-pay can encourage competition and remove central planning and wasteful fraud-ridden bureaucracy. Ditto with Medicaid.
#8 - Permit private gambling enterprises. Why has this revenue been diverted offshores and to tribes?
#9 - Remove federal business subsidies and/or simply abolish the Department of Commerce. This political pork breeds corruption and stymies legitimate business.
#10 - Modify the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. More of each.

Say Again

A question has been posed hypothetically many times to explore compassion, and charitability: "If your Uncle Jack was cleaning the gutters and his ladder fell down leaving him stranded on the roof, would you help your Uncle Jack off?"

In today's "Bible school without all of the mess" lesson, I would like to explore a different topic. We just completed another bout of Christmas where an entire society celebrates, with straight faces, the "virgin birth."

You see this young lass named Mary was pregnant, but she and her main man Joseph were said to be "not fuckingeth." The only logical explanation was that Mary's baby was the son of God. An invisible angel confirmed this.

Yes, history's first recorded "Holy Fuck" would explain the situation. There being no other contenders, we had a winner. But wait. Aren't there other explanations for the unexpected pregnancy of an unwed woman 2000 years ago?

Perhaps she was visited by an alien species using some type of cloaking device. He could have entered her tent while she was sleeping for a little "Uncle Ear's special hug." I'm kidding. Jesus Christ don't get so concerned.

He could have impersonated an angel when she awoke. "If you get pregnant, don't bother trying to find me. Your baby-daddy is an omnipotent, omniscient, but cranky God who created the entire vast universe but needed your uterus for this little project."

Or, maybe Mary was a fully-functional hermaphrodite. The text is conspicuously silent on this subject. I'm sure this relevation would cause concern to those who worship Mother Mary but would likewise turn on its head the import of the phrase, "Go fuck yourself!"

Or, perhaps Mary was actually twins, one of whom engaged in sexual intercourse just like the rest of us mammals. The mammalian Terry might have gotten stuck living the life of Mary when she pretended to be Mary while Mary went to see a concert. Hilarity ensued when Mary, pretending to be Terry, was called up on stage and had to pretend that she was the one who was not a virgin. You know, Madonna.

Good times. So, I hope you've learned something while I've gotten this off of my mind. You know, you really have helped your old Uncle jack off.

Where Is My Calendar?

Like many people, I have gotten older over the past few years. It seems as though my age increases with each passing day.

And with age comes wisdom. And with wisdom comes wisdom teeth. And with teeth come chickens.

Which brings us to the response to a reader inquiry: "Please apply your incompatible wisdom, unparallel knowledge, and unique incisors to elucidate how one might expand the concept of a turducken ." (Or words to that effect).

If I am not mistaken, and how not mistaken could I be, it is now 2011. Yet here we are eating the same old turducken as we were eating 20 years ago. As everyone knows, the turducken is a de-boned chicken stuffed inside of a de-boned duck stuffed inside of a de-boned turkey. We have all considered stuffing that thing inside of a de-boned hog stuffed inside of a de-boned cow. So 20th century.

Let's get postmillenial. Why don't we resurrect some of the larger extinct species to continue this out to a bigger and therefore better conclusion. Recreating a mastodon should be no problem. I seem to recall, although I don't feel like spending 45 seconds on Google to confirm, that a frozen mastodon complete with viable DNA was found in the ice somewhere (probably somewhere cold).

OK, so grow one of those in a buffalo mama or whatever, and we will stuff the beef, pork, turkey, duck chicken thing into a de-boned mastodon. Now let's get creative. If them damn scientists can stop dicking around with chicken's teeth and watching us masturbate long enough to get some work done, they should be able to reverse engineer some other species like the T-Rex and the Apatosauraus.

What I am proposing, my culinary colleagues, is nothing short of the Apatyranomastobeebacoturducken (drizzled with reduction of dodo).

I WIll Take The Drumstick

Dinosaur Rebirth
Can scientists turn a chicken into a dinosaur?

...
In other words, it is as if birds still have the molecular capability to grow teeth, but just aren't doing so anymore. Even though it hadn't been switched on in 150 million years, Chuong wanted to identify and reconnect that molecular pathway in order to re-active teeth-building processes.
By studying the genes, molecules and chemicals responsible for the growth of mouth and teeth structures in other organisms, Chuong was able to stir together a mix of molecules that might trigger the "dormant" circuitry into action. He then placed tiny beads of this concoction in the mouths of the chicken embryos. It worked. Through the microscope, he and his colleagues watched the embryos growing, as if the chickens had, all along, the genetic instructions to grow the beak. They may have had the ancient circuits to do so, but they needed just the right ingredients to be properly switched on.

Can your damn science do something worthwhile or not?
I don't want chickens with teeth, I want broiled T-Rex drizzled with reduction of Dodo. Or maybe extend the turducken concept out a few levels. Remember the big rack of ribs foretold by the Flintstones. You know, something useful.

If I didn't want to eat previously extinct animals, then I would have lived in the not-too-distant past.

Wiser Than Randall G. Leighton

I received an email with the following quotation at the end:

Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, and live like it's heaven on Earth.

It was attributed to "anon." A quick search reveals that this quote has been attributed to Randall G. Leighton, Mark Twain and Satchel Paige (three of America's greatest Presidents).

Regardless of the identity of the wisdomer who imparted this wisdom, there are a few obvious omissions:

Dress like you don't have a mirror
Watch like the TV is interesting
Write like anyone gives a shit
Drive like you won't see tomorrow
Stalk like the restraining order has been lifted
Screw like your friends are all watching
Speak like no one understands you, and
Spend like no one is hungry

Another Year, Another Dollah

Here are my year end thoughts, in heretical order:

1) Why are there no simquaolas? Nobody has the initiative to invent them?
2) Have you ever noticed how perfectly the Christmas carol can be performed:
Fu uh uh uh uh
Uh Uh Uh
Kit.
3) Have you ever noticed that the guy who prefaces his question with "have you ever noticed that" doesn't really and truthfully want your answer?
4) Have you ever noticed that this is turning into a Seinfeld rant? Not that I'm in needed of gassing.
5) Have you ever noticed that we can never really escape the sins of our forefathers?
6) I suggest that we smelt the clouds (in order to extract and condense their silver).
7) My nieces are visiting, and I have now listened to the Justin Beaver album 4,648 times. Here is how his song(s) goes:
"Girl
I'm gonna tell ya one timeI'm gonna tell ya one timeI'm gonna tell ya one timeI'm gonna tell ya one timeI'm gonna tell ya one timeI'm gonna tell ya one timeI'm gonna tell ya one timeI'm gonna tell ya one timeI'm gonna tell ya one timeI'm gonna tell ya one timeI'm gonna tell ya one timeI'm gonna tell ya one timeI'm gonna tell ya one time
(Parenthetically, I think we should expend more resources on teaching mathematics including basic counting).
I'm gonna tell ya one time, You're the only one (although my counting skills are suspect) and I only want to be with the one ("one" in the scientific notation sense meaning that you are one of 10 or fewer, or lets just round to the nearest one hundred), and I say this to you baby, one more time, I'm gonna tell ya one time..."

Rupture Alert!!!

Heed this counsel. Prepare thineselves; for the brambles and the thickets are brambly and thickety. Doest whatsoever thou wouldst to doest whatsoever it is that thou doest, but doest it in a big hurry.

These signs thrice witnessed shall announce his coming:

First, the chosen One shall announce his coming.
Check. (See above).

Second, the internal combustion engine shall be further improved, from an air quality perspective anyway, by the addition of a catalytic converter mechanism in the exhaust system.
Check. (See 1974 or thereabouts).

Third, a commercially lucrative rock opera shall announce the final triumph of money over art. (See Rusty Sessions information below. Call now for tickets).

Hey, How Is It Going, California?

The State of California is bankrupt (and muddy) as is the State of Illinois.

Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that the solution to this problem will be to extract the money to pay for fiscal recklessness from the citizens of the more responsible States? (Granted, there are very few States that are truly fiscally sound). Sort of like taking money from responsible citizens to cover the downside risk of "too big to fail" financial firms.

I have been warning you for some time that we should expect my son's generation to proclaim a hearty "Fuck you" when asked to pay for the money we've borrowed. I'm considering delivering the same message myself. Is California too big to fail? How about this time we find out.

Quantitative Happy Ending

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Scientists and Possibly Aliens Are Watching You

A cloak of invisibility is now a technical possibility. See http://iopscience.iop.org/2040-8986/13/2/024003 in which them damn scientists "introduce a new type of electromagnetic cloak, the spacetime cloak (STC), which conceals events rather than objects."

There are two obvious and important ramifications of this technological development. First, those scientists now can sneak up on you to watch you masturbate. You're at a computer - let's say you're sitting in your office when you decide to "get to work." Or, you're at the coffee shop and you decide to "froth your grande latte with cream."Or, you're at the public library and you want to "Dewey your decimal." Or you are at school and want to "tutor the pupil," or at church to "club the bishop." You get the idea.

Anyway, you look around, and it appears that the coast is clear. You are free to "choke the chicken," or so you think. With this invisibility cloak, those scientists could be standing right behind you watching you "burp the worm."

Second, and even worse, extraterrestrial aliens hidden by invisibility cloaks might also be watching you "topping the banana with yogurt." It is bad enough to have some egg-head watching you "liberate the tadpoles," but now you have some green species watching you "jerkin the gherkin." It is just plain embarrassing.

Why can't they figure out a way to use these devices for good and just leave us alone?

Coco's Camera Not Found

http://www.physorg.com/news/2010-11-laser-based-camera-corners.html

Those nerds at MIT have finally discovered a way for my camera to shoot decent pictures around my finger.

He Is Re-Re-Arisen

Regarding your insistence that I comment on the TSA's full body screening controversy, I acquiesce. My comments are these:


I truly and wholeheartedly believe that citizens periodically should be subjected to a full-body pat down. Cavity searches would be even better. And, if the citizen wants a so-called "Happy Ending," that should not cost extra. I wouldn't even mind showing up an hour before my flight if that service were included.


But, let's be civilized about this. The passenger should get to choose his feeler-upper from a line-up of employees just like at any decent whore-house.

Some airports have a Hooters in them. Couldn't these functions be combined?


Also, I think passengers telephone numbers should be included in the image. I realize that the images are supposed to be destroyed immediately, but, in the event that they do make it onto the internet, why shouldn't we be able to call the person?

one note has his solo

Alceste?

Bunch a Mexicans

IT'S RUSTY-EVE!! YEEE-HAW!!

Like the hymn of Paul Revere, all Clowns will gather in Boston. Rusty!

well?

can you spot your hero and mine?

rusty, rusty

four-legged fool

you bathe yourself

in a pool-full

of drool

rusty, rusty

he's our man

if he can't do it

nobody can

Kenny Bloom

with his head in the womb

he beats it with a broom

as he's dancing on his tomb for

RUSTY

RUSTY

Sydney, Sydney

where are you?

We got somethin'

we'd like you to do for

RUSTY

RUSTY

Bean-pole Mike,

well, he's no dike

he knows how to play

what we like for

RUSTY

RUSTY

Jim Graham

with a sandwich

made of Spam

He knows just how to lay

that jam for

RUSTY

RUSTY

Colin Clark

He taught Mark to park

But he doesn't light a Spark

when he's smokin' in the dark

with

RUSTY

RUSTY

Less Interesting than Smut'n'Eggs

No matter what you think about healthcare, this is disturbing.

Remember This Place

Bennett's Smut and Eggs

Plan Rojo

So, the Canadians want to play rough. Well, if you're going to run with the big dogs, they may sniff your ass. The US has a plan for the invasion of Canada dating back to the 1930's. America’s Secret Plan to Invade Canada
The plan "includes special notice ... about the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and how they were not a force to be taken lightly in a military action."



Pardon my arrogance, but I think the US military can handle a few guys on horses. Dragoons were formidable in, say, the eighteenth century. But since the advent of what are called in military parlance "big guns," soldiers are much less afraid of dandies prancing around on horses.

That is not to say that the Canadians do not pose a threat. They too have a plan.

"The department in Canada responsible for war planning had an annual budget of just $1,200. During the clandestine information-gathering for Defense Scheme Number One, staff members of the department actually entered the United States to take photographs and to procure free maps at gas stations."

Oh - my - God! They've been procuring our free maps! Will they stop at nothing?

That's Not Fair

Speaking of pregnant ladies, look how the Canadians are cheating this time:





One of their curlers is actually two of their curlers.

This is just the latest in Canada's $8-million Own the Podium project which was "hush-hush" until a month ago.


Apparently, those wily Canadians have been using laser guidance, an extra-special composite material, and other space age technologies in their effort to capture medals at the Olympics. Now, they're even using procreation.

"A speed skating sling-shot, curling sweeping technology, and a para-alpine sit-ski with extra stability are among the other developments that emerged from the Top Secret plan."




This doesn't sound very Canadian to me. This is the kind of cheating one might expect from the Al-Qaida olympic team, but I never thought we'd have to worry about this from the hosers.

Color Me Mysterious

So I’ve never quite understood this custom of buying drinks for women in bars. I mean where is the challenge in that? Plus it seems to add additional pressure to a situation that is already charged with too much pressure to begin with. Buy your own drink, Sugar; all I have to offer is interesting conversation – and lots of it.

But anyway, the other night I found myself alone seated at the bar of a fairly nice restaurant in the heart of suburbia ordering a plate of fish to act as a late dinner top-off to an afternoon of drinking with friends. I like this alone time. I bring the newspaper. I do the crossword. If the bartender happens to be a bartendress all the much better. On this particular evening, the bartendress (let’s call her Mindy mostly because I haven’t a clue what her real name is) and I were getting along quite well (and by quite well I mean Mindy talked to me about things other than the menu, she called me sweetheart, and while she was serving me my basket of bread, she brushed up against me lightly); the camaraderie between Mindy and me was fueled by the fact that Mindy was pregnant -- but only slightly pregnant. This immediately took the pressure off, and I felt like I could ask her anything. I discussed with her an article in the food section of the newspaper that claimed that in times of stress people turned to cheese for comfort. Mindy disagreed and said chocolate was her choice. Mindy and I laughed at this.

But Mindy and I were not alone. Seated five empty barstools down from me were two attractive cougars (let’s call them Laura and Meg) enjoying a glass of wine and chatting amicably between themselves – as is the custom with attractive cougars. “Oh, what to do?” I thought. I had finished my fish, I had drunk my last martini, I had solved the remaining clues of the crossword puzzle. “Mindy,” I said, “I need to go, but I want to buy those two ladies at the end of the bar a drink, and then I am going to get up and leave. Do you think that would be ‘dorky’ or ‘mysterious’?” Mindy replied with a tone that made me think she wasn’t being truthful. “Mysterious,” she said. Naturally I agreed, and so as Mindy refilled the wine glasses of Laura and Meg, I retreated into the dark night, a genuine man of mystery muttering to my myself, “Phew, I escaped from there just in time. Imagine the pressure.”

Welcum to FU

Now that they've counselled the gay right out of Ted Haggard, perhaps we should invite him to the First Unichurck.

Which Clown does this remind you of?

Close One

This was published December, 2008. Whew.

Benefits of Red Wine

Not only is red wine "heart healthy" but I have discovered that if you have a glass (extra large) right before bed, good things happen to you while you sleep. Last night, sometime between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m., I was appointed as the new United States Secretary of the Treasury. This morning I am a little nervous about my senate confirmation, but I am sure everything will work out. Expect big changes soon.

Other than that, plenty is happening with me. Expect future posts soon.

I have been meditating on the following Einstein quote for the last several months. Shall you meditate with me?

For the most part we humans live with the false impression of security and a feeling of being at home in a seemingly trustworthy physical and human environment. But when the expected course of everyday life is interrupted, we are like shipwrecked people on a miserable plank in the open sea, having forgotten where they came from and not knowing whither they are drifting. But once we fully accept this, life becomes easier and there is no longer any disappointment.

Right back atcha...

don't like government bailouts? How about healthcare? How'd you like that bumbling idiot lady and the dumber lady giving her whispered advice that she did not appear to be taking to be making all of your personal life or death decisions? I think that lady does an excellent job illustrating the efficiency and efficacy we can expect from our federal government when it comes to managing our citizens' healthcare. Thanks God for Harry Reid.

I know this is Wrong. But I...can't..stop...looking...

I recently returned from the Johnson Space Center in Houston, Texas, where I did some work with NASA. The picture is my view from the pilot's seat in the Space Shuttle. Those are my feet, though I am wearing shoes and pants different from what the astronauts typically wear on missions. It was a very cool experience.

While looking on the Internet, I came across this, and though I pick up on a lot of irrational negativity, I was actually able to get to the end of the article, I have to admit. I would use the train-wreck analogy to explain my inability to look away, but I'm not sure it's totally apt. I giggled guiltily once or twice, covering my mouth.

Am I the only one worried about this?

Another BIG SUCCESS for BIG GOVERNMENT!!

We definitely need to expand government in this country. For our own good, and the good of our kids. Don't worry; Uncle Sammy Stalin will take care of you. If you're good, he'll take care of your health care needs just as well.

What do I think about Healthcare, you mightn't ask?

OPINION
SEPTEMBER 3, 2009, 10:55 P.M. ET

A Doctor's Plan for Legal Industry Reform
My modest proposal to rearrange how lawyers do business.

By RICHARD B. RAFAL
Since we are moving toward socialism with ObamaCare, the time has come to do the same with other professions—especially lawyers. Physician committees can decide whether lawyers are necessary in any given situation.

At a town-hall meeting in Portsmouth, N.H., last month, our uninformed lawyer in chief suggested that we physicians would rather chop off a foot than manage diabetes since we would make more money doing surgery. Then President Obama compounded his attack by claiming a doctor's reimbursement is between "$30,000" and "$50,000" for such amputations! (Actually, such surgery costs only about $1,500.)

Physicians have never been so insulted. Because of these affronts, I will gladly volunteer for the important duty of controlling and regulating lawyers. Since most of what lawyers do is repetitive boilerplate or pushing paper, physicians would have no problem dictating what is appropriate for attorneys. We physicians know much more about legal practice than lawyers do about medicine.

Following are highlights of a proposed bill authorizing the dismantling of the current framework of law practice and instituting socialized legal care:

• Contingency fees will be discouraged, and eventually outlawed, over a five-year period. This will put legal rewards back into the pockets of the deserving—the public and the aggrieved parties. Slick lawyers taking their "cut" smacks of a bookie operation. Attorneys will be permitted to keep up to 3% in contingency cases, the remainder going into a pool for poor people.

• Legal "DRGs." Each potential legal situation will be assigned a relative value, and charges limited to this amount. Program participation and acceptance of this amount is mandatory, regardless of the number of hours spent on the matter. Government schedules of flat fees for each service, analogous to medicine's Diagnosis Related Groups (DRGs), will be issued. For example, any divorce will have a set fee of, say, $1,000, regardless of its simplicity or complexity. This will eliminate shady hourly billing. Niggling fees such as $2 per page photocopied or faxed would disappear. Who else nickels-and-dimes you while at the same time charging hundreds of dollars per hour? I'm surprised lawyers don't tack shipping and handling onto their bills.

• Legal "death panels." Over 75? You will not be entitled to legal care for any matter. Why waste money on those who are only going to die soon? We can decrease utilization, save money and unclog the courts simultaneously. Grandma, you're on your own.

• Ration legal care. One may need to wait months to consult an attorney. Despite a perceived legal need, physician review panels or government bureaucrats may deem advice unnecessary. Possibly one may not get representation before court dates or deadlines. But that' s tough: What do you want for "free"?

• Physician controlled legal review. This is potentially the most exciting reform, with doctors leading committees for determining the necessity of all legal procedures and the fairness of attorney fees. What a wonderful way for doctors to get even with the sharks attempting to eviscerate the practice of medicine.

• Discourage/eliminate specialization. Legal specialists with extra training and experience charge more money, contributing to increased costs of legal care, making it unaffordable for many. This reform will guarantee a selection of mediocre, unmotivated attorneys but should help slow rising legal costs. Big shot under indictment? Classified National Archives documents down your pants? Sitting president defending against impeachment? Have FBI agents found $90,000 in your freezer? Too bad. Under reform you too may have to go to the government legal shop for advice.

• Electronic legal records. We should enter the digital age and computerize and centralize legal records nationwide. All files must be in a standard, preferably inconvenient, format and must be available to government agencies. A single database of judgments, court records, client files, etc. will decrease legal expenses. Anyone with Internet access will be able to search the database, eliminating unjustifiable fees charged by law firms for supposedly proprietary information, while fostering transparency. It will enable consumers to dump their clunker attorneys and transfer records easily.

• Ban legal advertisements. Catchy phone numbers such as 1-800-LAWYERS would be seized by the government and repurposed for reporting unscrupulous attorneys.

• New government oversight. Government overhead to manage the legal system will include a cabinet secretary, commissioners, ombudsmen, auditors, assistants, czars and departments.

• Collect data about the supply of and demand for attorneys.Create a commission to study the diversity and geographic distribution of attorneys, with power to stipulate and enforce corrective actions to right imbalances. The more bureaucracy the better. One can never have too many eyes watching these sleazy sneaks.

• Lawyer Reduction Act (H.R. -3200). A self-explanatory bill that not only decreases the number of law students, but also arbitrarily removes 3,200 attorneys from practice each year. Textbook addition by subtraction.

Enthusiastically embracing the above legal changes can serve as a "teachable moment" and will go a long way toward giving the lawyers who run Congress a taste of their own medicine.
Dr. Rafal is a radiologist in New York City.

One Note Solo Babysits

Goat-man Goes to the Game. In a Red Hat.

Cocoa Missing? No. He has been found. And his Binders.

Financial Bailout? well, at least we did "something".

To Whom it May Concern:

Earlier this evening, I canceled my credit card account with Chase secondary to outrageous disregard for customer satisfaction. When I contacted your customer service department, both the representative I spoke with, Richard Blazer, and his manager, paid no attention at all to my concerns of basic unprovoked abuse on the part of Chase (no wonder our country is in such miserable shape when the entire banking industry, with Chase out in front, is a conglomeration of professional thieves and liars who suck the life-blood out of the very hands that feed them--customers). Each of them was happy to cancel an account that I have had for years, though initially through Washington Mutual, rather than answer why my credit line was arbitrarily reduced--which hurts my overall credit score--despite the fact that I have never missed a payment or paid late, AND I actually have a credit balance of $464 THAT CHASE OWES ME. This sort of conduct will soon be illegal, as you know, because it is outrageously unethical. I guess you have so much of my fucking tax-dollar bailout money that you don't need my business anymore.

You disgust me. I have written to my Congressman about this incident, and I have reported Chase to the Better Business Bureau. You probably don't care, again, because you have so much of my tax money that you probably couldn't care less about your customers. I thought financial times were tight--but I guess not for Chase; you have money to burn. Thanks to people like me. You are welcome.

I am really not sure how the people working at your company are able to sleep at night, knowing what the company policies are. Just think: On your deathbed, after a career at a company like Chase, what will you have left behind? Teachers, doctors, judges change other lives for the better--whereas you will have nothing to show for your life's work but an accumulated bunch of fellow human beings who are absolutely irate and disgusted by you and your company.

Bravo. Way to steal, and get away with it legally. You must all be so proud of your work. I'm sure your parents are proud of you, and all the good you have brought in to the world, too.

Sincerely,

Half Goat-man, Half PMSing Little Bitch, Half Jack-ass, Half big, fat, time-waster. Half total dumb-ass for thinking anyone actually cares.

Raaaaar

Bunderwear Discovered in Underwear

Finally, The Sessions 2009: The Chosen One in Sin City

L.A. Hates Bryans Adam

2009 City of Angels: Round 2