Velma Loses Her Glasses (Cinco)

To continue, the time is winter of 1990, the place is Europe. Alceste and I had been in Spain for a few months. This is after Colyp arrived but before Coco and LBok showed up. Alceste, Colyp and I were on vacation from our jobs teaching English in Spain. We had grabbed a train from Madrid to Lisbon in our continuing adventures living the life of a smelly American, getting drunk, falling down, and acting stupid. Continuing on Day 2 of our train excursion to Portugal, my notes are italicized, my current comments parenthetical.

-Morn, woke at 10, shower, snack & got on train to Sintra. Train ride uneventful - walked up hill following directions in "Let's Go," but couldn't find turn off - took the "long unscenic route." ended up hiking up the impenetrable face of the fortress. We penetrated. Brigg y yo scouted for about 30 minutes and finally found a route. The ascent was beneficial if only for the fact that it demonstrated how out of shape we are. Colyp's knee functioned adequately though he had to think about bending it - met nobody interesting - drank flask of gin - ate sandwiches -> trains leave promptly.

-Notable: 1) Colyp's knee pain (excrutiating) 2)sobriety and its painful consequences. (This castle I remember. The Castle of the Moors, is, like many castles, difficult to enter. Difficulty entering is one of the features that made it a good, you know, castle. We couldn't find the right road or path, but we could clearly see the castle up on top of the hill. We'll just hike up, we figured, until we can't go up any more, and then we'll be at the castle. We hadn't appreciated the fact that this is, you know, a castle. As you can see, there is a fairly steep cliff covered with boulders and overgrowth which one must traverse before then encountering the tall rock wall. To add to our problems, Switch was wearing loafers and Colyp had severely injured his knee somehow and could not bend it. We spent several hours trying to figure out how to get in and finally did make it into the place. By this time, we were extremely tired, hungry and out of booze.)

(UPDATE: Alceste reminds me of another part of this tale. After we had stormed the castle, we were, as stated previously, very tired. We hadn't seen another soul in the entire castle area, and the 4 of us were sitting in some type of tower area with a great view overlooking the city. We were retracing our footsteps leading to the idiotic decision to hike "up." Needless to say, there was a lot of second-guessing. Given the lack of other people and commenting on the beautiful view, Alceste stated very matter-of-factly, "This would be a great place to bring a bitch." Just at that inopportune moment, a pair of American tourists, a man and a woman, entered from behind us into our tower (they had taken the easy way up). The woman gave Alceste a look of disgust, looked suspiciously at her escort, turned her nose skyward at a sharp, 45 degree angle, and the two of them exited as promptly as they had entered. Apparently not, Alceste.)

X-mas Eve - Dinner at the Comida & Bebida = cabbage soup and fat raw steak on dirty tablecloth. Waiter 1) reuses dishes without washing & 2)reuses bread. (This I also remember. We were back in Lisbon after the day-trip storming the castle, and we were treated to the worst meal eaten by human beings in recorded history. We hadn't realized that few restaurants would be open on Christmas Eve and that those that were open would be completely reserved. Alceste, Colyp and I walked around for much of the evening and into the night looking for a restaurant. I don't recall what Brigg & Switch did, but they weren't with us. We finally found a dive back by the train station and sat down to order. The "waiter" took the table cloth from the next table, shook it, and put it on our table. He grabbed some plates out of a stack in a tub, gave them a wipe and then set them before us. Same with the bread.

None of us speak Portugese, and, though Spanish is very similar, we couldn't communicate with this guy. Apparently we must have ordered cabbage soup cooked with dirty sweat socks because that is what we were served. Cabbage soup is never good, but this was stuff was bad even for cabbage soup. Then came the "meat." If anyone has seen a three-legged horse running around Portugal, I think I know what happened to its other leg. You've heard the saying, "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse." I guess none of us was really that hungry. We ate what we could, but the fact that the meat wasn't even really cooked made it difficult to stomach.


-Got up Xmas - at Bfast, sandwiches to go, took ferry to other side of Tagus. Played war & drank - Colyp lost. On train - finished drinking Xmas presents. Alceste almost died of fever. Met Mozambique Anna and her dog Spot -> Colyp got some tongue from the dog & talked to Anna. (I don't specifically rememer any of this, but it all sounds familiar. I hadn't realized until now that Alceste's fever dated back this far.)


-Got to Faro - raining - stayed at the Pinto - wandered - ate dinner -> Sin Pao = "no bread for Americans." I had fish. Music -> fountain -> dog attack -> cool architecture. Colyp can't run but had a knife -> came back and went to bar -> saw some legs & stole a "reserved" sign. ->sleep (Faro is a port in the Algarve region on the Southern tip of Portugal. I think the dog attack happened on the boardwalk when Colyp and I stopped to take a leak and a German Shepherd ferociously chased us back up onto the boardwalk and down the street. Colyp, with this bad leg, couldn't run, but he pulled out a pocket knife to threaten the dog. The dog was not threatened).

-Bfast = egg, dogs, beans, bacon, lettuce, tomato $5.00. (I don't think I really meant dogs.) Market, met Death again -> got groceries and bottle of Aldo Nova (possibly the worst liquor ever) & some terrible mixer along with the worst bottle of Port we've had here. -> Nap 20 lbs of blankets for nut X-rays. (One would think that I would recall meeting Death a second time or that I would have mentioned the first meeting, but yet I don't recall meeting Death at all. I also doubt that any of us had his nuts X-rayed in Faro, Portugal, but there it is right in my notes. Alceste, any recollection of this?)


Went to museum - it was closed. Went to catch bus - couldn't find it. Ended up drinking beer at an outdoor cafe. Nap -> beers, dinner at Fin del Mundo. Great chicken, back to room to drink worst drink ever after visiting completely empty bar. Called home. (I'm glad to see that I called home)


Went to Empty Bar - no bartender, noone. Went to Hotel Eva & considered crashing a wedding party, hung out on the roof.


Back to Empty Bar (Dali) but there were people this time - had a few, went to look for more action, found a poster of street club, good reggae band - teach the bass-player the tune type. Had a few - moved on to another bar where guitarist jammed accompanied by rythm machine - met a chick and some English dudes - Colyp getting down, Disco African Dude, Spent $100 and went home drunk- met American chick who followed us home. (Nope, don't remember any of this).

Caught bus -> heat, rough roads, Aldera Nova hangover - pushed to the edge of vomiting. (This sounds familiar).


Conductor on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere - punched tickets & got back off bus. (I remember this because it seemed so bizarre. We got on the bus and noted the fact that we hadn't been asked to show our tickets. The bus took off and we made sat dumbly nursing our hangovers and fighting the waves of nausea. After about an hour on the bus, there was a guy standing on the side of the road in a conductor outfit. The bus pulled over, picked him up and began driving again. The conductor then came through the bus and punched everyone's tickets. When he had finished, he made his way back to the front and the driver pulled over and left him again out in the middle of nowhere. I guess he is the lonesome conductor who lives on the side of the roadways).

-Got to Evora -> raining, found hostel at $35/night, went to Capela dos Ossos ie the bone church = macabre - no smell or at least not as bad as us. True Believer interrogated Alceste -"Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" Alceste took easy way out to save us a lot of time. Went to train station and back to hostel. (The bone church is something one doesn't forget. The walls are mostly constructed out of human bones such as femurs stacked on top of each other (like logs, the long way). There are corpses hanging around and skulls everywhere. The guy who accosted Alceste correctly guessed that Alceste spoke English and stood uncomfortably close, stared into his eyes, and held his shoulders when asking "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" Alceste paused for a minute, looked over at me, and then said, "Yes, yes I do.)"

UPDATE: Portugal's tourism site for Evora does not include the Capela Dos Ossos among the sites to see. Very curious.


-Ate at restaurant below hostel ->pork fried in clam sauce = good

-Went for beers -> no open bars, went to Mr. Snobs & then home.

-Morn- cathedral in main square with collection of relics, museum of Evora, Roman Temple of Diana - went by other palace, went for lunch of cheap sandwiches & beer. more cathedrals. Dinner = whole roasted chicken @$7.50, not quite as good as the other but a better deal. Back to hostel to nap & drink remainder of Aldera Nova & bad port. Out for beer, got tip, found pub with small "bar" sign, had a few beers surrounded by 15 year olds, went home. (We're still days away from the moment when Alceste lost his glasses, and the tension is building like a night spent drinking the world's worst liquor while surrounded by 15 year old Portugese).