Velma Loses Her Glasses (Tres)

So, to recap, Alceste and myself were living the life of a smelly American, getting drunk, falling down and acting stupid in Espana, more specifically Madrid.

Despite the fact that Alceste and I were now both gainfully employed, we had each blown through our respective savings in the first couple of months, and our spend-thrift habits in combination with the fact that we had to give our landlord a security deposit/donation had left us eating far more potatos than either of us preferred. Our usual routine was, after an early (for the Spanish) dinner of potato tortillas and red wine, we would head out bar-hopping for the afternoon-evening-night carrying only the amount of money we expected to blow in that given night, and we did. Every time.

One evening I recall we were drinking pitchers of Sangria at an outdoor streetside patio when we invited some passing American tourist girls to join us. Unfortunately, we were running a tab and we had no idea how expensive the sangria was. After 5 or 6 pitchers, we thought it best to find out how much we'd spent. Unbeknownst to us, 3 pitchers had completely exhausted our remaining funds for the night. We had no credit nor any backup plan other than to say, "Thanks girls." Since they each had a few drinks, it really was only fair that they paid for half the tab, though it was not exactly what they were expecting.

Fortunately for our nourishment, the Spanish have the wonderful custom of serving tapas with drinks. With each round, one receives, at no extra charge, a little sampler of one of the items on the menu. If you have enough rounds, you actually get quite a varied meal. Olives, fish, pork, vegetables. It is an ingenious custom which kept us fed during most of our stay.

Since we only got paid once a month, and since our budgeting skills were severely compromised, we were just about out of money (again) when we received word that Colpliscol would be joining us in Madrid. I don't recall exactly how we received this word. Our telephone could only receive and could not initiate calls. (This was a handy excuse for why we never called back the various Marias and Nurias). I suspect that Alceste may have written a letter or something, but, anyway, Colyp would be joining us shortly.

For the next couple of weeks, during one meal after another of potatos and wine, Alceste and I shared our dreams about what we would do when Colyp arrived with all of the money he was sure to bring. We would splurge on steaks, cognac, fresh vegetables, whisky, ice cream, port, and maybe even a trip to a laundromat (if we could ever find one). Now that we had laid the groundwork with accomodations and employment connections, Colyp's savings would go a long way toward getting us through until the next payday. The only flaw in this plan was that Colyp neglected to bring any money with him along on his intercontinental excursion. Any!?!

"What the fuck do you mean you didn't bring any goddamn money?" Alceste inquired.

"You said there were jobs," Colyp reminded him.

"How are you going to live until you get a job?" we both asked, though, of course, we knew the answer.

"I'll just hang out with you guys."

This was the first time I remember seeing the large vein in front of Alceste's temple begin to visibly tremor. A red hue overcame his face, and his head began to contort as though his brain was trying to purposely implode. He could barely refrain himself from spitting the froth that appeared to be brewing inside his mouth. Alceste said not another word but just stormed out of the apartment.

I, on the other hand, tried to develop a better understanding of the rationale of a person who would fly to Europe without a dime to his name. "You seriously didn't bring any money?" I asked incredulously. "We are broke," I advised him, "and now we've got your stupid ass to feed as well." "Even if we can get you a job immediately, you won't get paid for another month."

Colyp was unperturbed by this news. He smirked and then began unpacking his few belongings in Alceste's room (as the better paid of the two of us, Alceste had the larger room and therefore got stuck with Colyp). Colyp had brought his watch, some clothing, his classring, and that was about it.

With another mouth to feed, Alceste and I went from "mildly disatisfied with our cuisine options" to "hungry." Although we did manage to get Colyp a job at the gay Frenchman's academy in the Michael Jackson enthralled suburb, indeed he would not get paid for a month. Alceste and I thought it best to feed Colyp occasionally because it seemed slightly more expedient than explaining his death to his family and the American consulate.

After a month of teaching, he received his first paycheck. In order to believe what happened next, you would have to actually know Colyp. Otherwise, this story is just too unbelievable. Yet it is true.

Colyp and I were earning about $1000 a month. I think Alceste was getting $1300 or so. Colyp had been "borrowing" money from Alceste for his entire stay on top of eating our food and drinking our drink. So, what do you suppose Colyp did when he received his first $1000 cash payday? Perhaps he repaid his debt? No. Perhaps he bought a feast for the two friends who had been supporting him? No.

Colyp's first expenditure was to have his classring re-sized because it no longer fit due to the weight loss caused by starvation. He actually had his ring re-sized rather than buying food. This was the second time I remember seeing the large vein over Alceste's temple appear ready to burst through his face. When Colyp came strolling in, his hand waving like some kind of model on the home shopping network, he couldn't have been prouder of himself for getting such a nice fit to his ring. We next learned that his second purchase was a new watch because, as he explained, "the old one was only waterproof to 1 atmosphere." Recall that we were in Madrid and therefore nowhere near an ocean. I was too dumbfounded to think clearly enough to strangle him.

to be continued