Mano a Hombre

Because my son is going off to industro-socialization (kindergarten) this fall, I thought it was time that we had our first man to man talk. Incidentally, have you ever noticed how everyone says "mano a mano" when they really mean "man to man?" "Mano a mano" translates to "hand to hand", as in combat. Further, "hand to hand" really does not need a Spanish replacement in the English language, does it?

So, you can see how our pre-school discussion got off to a bad start. But, before my son went off to dip his wick in the big candle that is life, I wanted to explain to him a few ways that one can get burned.

1) "No" means "No" only in LOSERVILLE. Did Alexander the Great take "No" for an answer? Ok, perhaps a homosexual warrior megalomaniac is not the best role model for me to choose for my son. How about that guy that invented all of that stuff? When someone said, "Hey, why don't you go invent some stuff, did he say "No?" Or those other guys? Did they take "No" for an answer? I highly doubt it.

2) Whenever you get in a fight, if you don't want to get into trouble afterwards, you can give yourself a bloody nose by banging your face with your knee. Then, all of the teachers will be pretty busy dealing with that. Also, remember to always push it one step farther than anyone else. Eventually, people will recognize that you are insane and they will avoid you. This is how we won the cold war.

3) If you find a flask of booze or a bag of weed in your teacher's purse, don't pull it out to show off. This information should be carefully stored for later use. It is what is known as "political capital" and will become invaluable.

4) Crayons up your own nose = funny, crayons stuck up other people's noses = priceless. Other timeless classics; farting, farting noises, acting like someone farted, and acting like something smells like someone farted. However, a person should really save himself until he is older, more mature and really ready to commit before lighting his own fart.



5) If someone is bullying you, go tell the recess monitor that the bully has been trying to put his wee-wee up your bum-bum. You'll have to spend a few sessions in counseling, but there you'll be able to refine your storytelling skills. And, the bully will get the worst of it.

As for the birds and the bees, I told him that their jobs were to shit on and sting him, and then I referred him to the Love Engine.



Oh, in other news, they've found Jesus. The Holy Bastard has been holed up in a cave for 2,000 years, so apparently it wasn't his flesh that everyone has been munching on. But, then, whose flesh was it? Anyway, I think we can call off Easter. Maybe that Bunny would work out on MLKing Jr. day instead. It seems a shame to waste him.