Poor Me Another

Say No to the Auto Bailout
by Daniel J. Mitchell

This article appeared on CNN.com on November 13, 2008.

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Getting access to taxpayer money would be akin to giving an alcoholic the key to a liquor cabinet. It also would be bad for American taxpayers and the American economy. For instance:

A bailout will hurt the overall economy by misallocating resources. When politicians grant special favors to a certain industry or a particular union, such decisions necessarily mean that market forces are being replaced by special-interest deal-making. This type of interference with free markets is why nations such as France, Germany and Japan tend to grow more slowly and enjoy less prosperity.

But if America goes down this same path of government intervention, it is inevitable that we will suffer the same fate of stagnation and higher unemployment.

A bailout will encourage other industries to seek taxpayer handouts. The Wall Street bailout was a disaster in many ways, most notably as measured by the weak stock market and economic volatility. But another negative aspect of the bailout is that other industries have now decided that it is OK to stick their snouts in the public trough, as well.

First Wall Street's high fliers get a bailout. Now the inefficient management and union at the Big Three want a handout. Who will be next in line to pillage taxpayers? Giving handouts in exchange for political support is akin to getting high. Once politicians decide they like the buzz of campaign contributions, they'll turn into junkies with ordinary Americans footing the bill.

A bailout is a perverse transfer from poor taxpayers to rich taxpayers. America's Founding Fathers surely never envisaged that the federal government would take money from one group of Americans and give it to another group. Yet much of the federal budget is devoted to redistribution programs.
Bailouts are a particularly bizarre form of redistribution, however, because the corporate bureaucrats at the Big Three are among the very richest Americans. The UAW bosses make extravagant salaries, as well, and even regular union workers make an average of approximately $70 per hour, far higher than the average American.

The government should not be in the business of giving unearned wealth to any group of citizens, but surely liberals and conservatives both can agree that politicians should not be taking money from middle class taxpayers and giving it to upper-middle class and rich taxpayers.
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How is it going in Louisiana, Chief

RUE Enters Into Subprime Lending

I have another one of my patented "Great Ideas(TM)." RUE will invest heavily in tulip futures. Two irrefutable facts: 1) History repeats itself; and 2) there was a price bubble in tulips in the 1630's.

As to point #1, I'm not sure what evidence there is that history repeats itself, but everyone says it so it must be true. As to point #2, we all recall living through the tulip bubble of the 1630s. There were times when a particular bulb or seed or whatever they grow from would increase in value 600% in a given day. Now, I'm no horticationist, but I do know simple math. If something increases in value 600% per day, pretty soon it will buy me a new boat.

I watch enough late night television to know two things: 1) there is no way to lose money investing in real estate and 2) girls love to show their boobs. So, I am encouraging the RUE board of directors to invest heavily in the boob market. Crap, I think I lost my train of thought when I started thinking about boobs.

UPDATE: RUE's wholly owned subsidiary ROODY'S gives tulips a AAA+++ rating!

Farther Up Date: Shares of Bear Stearns (BSC: 4.06, -25.94, -86.46%) plummeted on Monday after news broke that JPMorgan Chase (JPM: 40.53, +3.99, +10.91%) has agreed to purchase the beleaguered Wall Street icon for $236 million. That price values Bear’s shares at $2.
That is a massive discount to Bear’s closing price of $30 a share Friday, and brings a quick and painful end to the 85-year-old Wall Street investment bank.

Remainder of Nation Considers Returning Florida to Spain along with Angry, Unappreciative Note

As the State of Florida once again demonstrates its inability to participate in a competent fashion with United States elections, many have called for the State to be returned to its first European keepers, the Nation of Spain. An included nasty explanatory note has been recommended to be pinned to Florida's shirt. Barring this possibility, the descendants of Juan Ponce de Leon should be charged with responsibility of the blue-haired playground, according to proponents of what is being called the "Florida is Clearly Too Stupid to be Part of the United States--and That's Saying A Lot" movement.

Reasons put forth by supporters include:
1. Number of annual executions taking place in Florida exceeding annual birthrate, so it's going to be a wash soon anyhow
2. Number of "Chads" Hung in last election confused by residents with number 1, above
3. Whole stepford-wives creepiness of Disney/Orlando/Epcot phenomenon (have you ever visited the city for a meeting? Whoa.)
4. The abundance of iguanas, parrots and gators in neighborhoods refuse to work as household appliances like those seen on the Flintstone's.
5. "God's Waiting Room" now experiencing excessive wait times for celestial discharge due to ever-increasing advances in modern medicine, which in turn increases membership in AARP, forcing the rest of us to deal with Medicare and all of its problems.
6. Until recently, was Nation's number one source for malaria and cholera, which only served to strengthen the reputation of fruity states such as California that proudly boasted of "No Malaria Vacations"
7. Has some paranormal, voodoo-magnet for Haitians (some refer to this as "rule of law" or "stable economy where my whole family won't be killed on Tuesdays for no apparent reason")
8. Full of left-over, persnickety, fault-finding, finicky, fussy Cubans who have the gall to be upset that all of their worldly possessions were snatched away from them in a wink of an eye, and not one penny went toward the personal hygiene of the new dictator (That guy has worn the same freakin' outfit every day and hasn't shaved in like 50 years. Vomit. Eat THAT, Bill Clinton and your $200 Airforce 1 Haircut!), who then, randomly, turns around and gives the whole goddamned country to his brother Earl.
9. And the most compelling reason is the evident contagiousness of Florida's bumbling retardation as demonstrated by the State of Michigan's recent donning of a similar-colored Floridian dunce-cap.

Proponents plead to act fast before another state drops and we end up with a country that "looks like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone". So much for Manifest Destiny. Thanks a lot, you Michigan/Florida dopes.